Argamemnon
Well-known member
Actually, I'm usually far too self conscious. I'm often so self conscious that I'm conscious that I'm self conscious. I hope you got it! 8O
Everyone with social anixety just has victim mentality
- Thread starter madeup
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krs7snow
Member
Hey Arg. I got it. Believe you me! (Btw, I didn't mean to point to you specifically w/my last post, I hope u know that). But, in regards to your last post. It's not about becoming "self" conscious. Being "self" conscious has a neg. connotation. It suggests judgemnet & rejection. It's about becoming Conscious. Aware. Observing. Accepting. Without judgement or value. That's when you'll see change. Not only in yourself but in your life. & what your life gives back to you.
terrified
Well-known member
Hi madeup,
You do have a point. It's true. I have a similar experience where I was not feeling anxious but the outcome of social interact was the same. I realize that my social skill sucks. I think SA is not just about anxiety at least for me. I'm avoiding the possibility of rejection, hurts, betrayal, and criticisms. It's also a great excuse to be self-absorbed all the time.
It took me a long time and over 10 years of therapy to admit that I'm getting a lot out of SA. That's the reason why I'm stuck and not getting better.
You do have a point. It's true. I have a similar experience where I was not feeling anxious but the outcome of social interact was the same. I realize that my social skill sucks. I think SA is not just about anxiety at least for me. I'm avoiding the possibility of rejection, hurts, betrayal, and criticisms. It's also a great excuse to be self-absorbed all the time.
It took me a long time and over 10 years of therapy to admit that I'm getting a lot out of SA. That's the reason why I'm stuck and not getting better.
Argamemnon
Well-known member
Ok, let me clarify dear krs7snow;krs7snow said:
When I become conscious, I automatically become anxious. In my case, I have to observe things less and be less conscious of my surroundings and other people's reactions etc. to feel calmer
madeup
Active member
Argamemnon said:Ok, let me clarify dear krs7snow;krs7snow said:
When I become conscious, I automatically become anxious. In my case, I have to observe things less and be less conscious of my surroundings and other people's reactions etc. to feel calmer
It sounds like your coping method for anxiety is to block everything out.
I don't have a problem with that as long as your also working on trying to rid yourself of anxiety all together.
The real question here is why do people's reactions cause you anxiety?
Are you trying to control how they feel about you? Why?
Does losing control of how they perceive you (someone looking like they disapprove of you) cause you anxiety?
Why why why why why is it so important to control people?
What would happen if I didn't control how people feel towards me?
Argamemnon
Well-known member
Yes, I think so.madeup said:
loner_forever
Member
I agree that anxiety is an automatic coping response whenever social stimuli comes around. I think we were programmed into thinking that this anxious shit is actually helping us in some way. But really it's just poisoning our personality and mind.
When you are anxious around a group of people - you are being "helped" by your anxiety in some way, or else it wouldn't happen... that feeling. We learned somewhere along the road of our programming that anxiety in social situations is necessary because there is danger in looking foolish. An irrational danger for sure... because when we are anxious to the max that is when we look foolish. So it's actually a twisted system we live by.
But I think somewhere we (or most of us) had some sort of bad, wrong, twisted social experiences in our EARLY life that has made our programming think that this is something to be feared.
Were you pushed to be social as a young kid? Were you encouraged to play sports with others, invite friends over, talk to the neighbors, the store clerk, etc? I bet you never were encouraged or did those things. I bet we all had social encounters early in life that set the stage of FEAR later in life. We were CONDITIONED to be this way! At least that is my opinion.
I have a nephew who practically lives with me and my parents cause his parents work all the time. He is sort of lacking social contacts, so whenever I take him to the store, I will let him pay for the items with the money. I let him bag the items. I let him talk to the store clerk. Whatever I can do to let him socialize and be independent minded, that I will do. I don't want him to be paralyzed with this shit as well.
When you are anxious around a group of people - you are being "helped" by your anxiety in some way, or else it wouldn't happen... that feeling. We learned somewhere along the road of our programming that anxiety in social situations is necessary because there is danger in looking foolish. An irrational danger for sure... because when we are anxious to the max that is when we look foolish. So it's actually a twisted system we live by.
But I think somewhere we (or most of us) had some sort of bad, wrong, twisted social experiences in our EARLY life that has made our programming think that this is something to be feared.
Were you pushed to be social as a young kid? Were you encouraged to play sports with others, invite friends over, talk to the neighbors, the store clerk, etc? I bet you never were encouraged or did those things. I bet we all had social encounters early in life that set the stage of FEAR later in life. We were CONDITIONED to be this way! At least that is my opinion.
I have a nephew who practically lives with me and my parents cause his parents work all the time. He is sort of lacking social contacts, so whenever I take him to the store, I will let him pay for the items with the money. I let him bag the items. I let him talk to the store clerk. Whatever I can do to let him socialize and be independent minded, that I will do. I don't want him to be paralyzed with this shit as well.
A-UK-Lovely
Active member
i 100% agree with your post madeup. 120% actualy! i also reckoned something along them lines myself.
that its an egotistical disorder at heart, just of low self esteem kind. 'everyone hates me' like everyone cares?
nice one mate.
that its an egotistical disorder at heart, just of low self esteem kind. 'everyone hates me' like everyone cares?
nice one mate.
CK23
Well-known member
I'd just like to add something more to this thread... I know it's a thing about our conditioning... the emotional scars we've had in the past have turned us into these extremly anxious people who have to think 5 times before saying a simple 'hello' to someone cos of the fear that they maybe perceived negatively... The thing i'd like to add is that there really doesnt seem to be a solution to this... i mean if a guy had been made to bleed in the past and everyone thre junk on his face could you really blame him for being exceedingly courteous if someone was kind to him.... and i just cant imagine the horrifying agony he would feel if that kind person ignored him after doing that good turn cos they were uncomfortable with his abnormal attitude towards them... how can someone get back on track from that kind of trauma... what i assume is that he may never be able to trust anybody again and might as well just get into a cocoon for the rest of his life...
Some_guy
Well-known member
If you thrive on being calm around people and rate your success based on that, you're gonna have a hard time getting better. Because as soon as you get anxious, you'll feel like a failure.
Better to rate your success on how much you expose yourself, rather than on the anxiety felt.
Better to rate your success on how much you expose yourself, rather than on the anxiety felt.
cicada1000
Member
Hi
I'm new to this forum and have just been lurking, but i think you have a good point, madeup. I've gotten over a lot of my SA in the past few years (certainly not all of it!) but still have trouble making real friends. The anxiety resurfaces especially whenever I start to get too close to someone. Defense against rejection maybe?
Anyway, you said you were making progress with making friends. I would appreciate if you had any tips to share on that also!
I'm new to this forum and have just been lurking, but i think you have a good point, madeup. I've gotten over a lot of my SA in the past few years (certainly not all of it!) but still have trouble making real friends. The anxiety resurfaces especially whenever I start to get too close to someone. Defense against rejection maybe?
Anyway, you said you were making progress with making friends. I would appreciate if you had any tips to share on that also!
seekeroftruth
Well-known member
...
If the OP is correct I would not find that to be a ground breaking revelation, in fact it is just as valid a theory as any other. Personally I think it is a part of it, not the sole cause.
The placebo effect is known to exist, it doesn't make the result any less real. SA exists and regardless of how it came about the effect it has on a person's life is no less real.
if the OP theory is meant to help people by causing us to re-evaluate how we approach curing ourselves, then fine...if it is meant as a way to say "get over it", then I do not see a purpose to the post.
If the OP is correct I would not find that to be a ground breaking revelation, in fact it is just as valid a theory as any other. Personally I think it is a part of it, not the sole cause.
The placebo effect is known to exist, it doesn't make the result any less real. SA exists and regardless of how it came about the effect it has on a person's life is no less real.
if the OP theory is meant to help people by causing us to re-evaluate how we approach curing ourselves, then fine...if it is meant as a way to say "get over it", then I do not see a purpose to the post.
BIG_FRINGE
Active member
I think you have misread the post. it doesnt suggest either, madeup is simply putting foward a theory for us to interprete how we like.
Personally i agree with a few points, that their is defanetly a link between frustration of social status and social anxiety, when we believe we are 'nothing' we are going to behave as if we are nothing eg not say a word, creep about hoping no one will see us, becvause....we are nothing!
If this wasnt the case then there wouldnt be a social anxiety, if it had nothing to do with people and how you feel you measure up to others, it would just be general anxiety. this is obvious. the fact is percific, means you ahve a starting point.
social anxiety is a illness due to many years of low self esteem and this is the anxiety is a physical manifestation of that. this is also obvious.
with social anxeity, you cant just tackle it head on, you have to do it in stages and taking care of different issues at different times.
for me, social anxeity occuered when i had a very high self esteem, but due to alot of let downs from people i was close to, this made me question my high self esteem, and question the very person i was. for example, yeh i think im a good person, but if no one else does, how can i justify that im a good person?
i pretty much over analysed everything that was going on around me till i made eevrything a negative reflection of myself for example, if someone didnt choose the empty seat next to me to sit on, and sat in the one behind me, i would think (stupid now lol) that i must look wierd or give out negative vibes, thats why they didnt choose my seat. its almost as if you are looking for ques in the enviournment to back up your negative believes about urself all the time!! with abit of age and abit of wising up, i just realised its a fucking seat...and if you think in the reverse, when looking for a seat on the bus, do u really have time to examine the people that much u can work out their personalitys by their body language? no.
its absalutly mental and extrodinary how many of your own social explainations you come up with for behaviour when your in a bad frame of mind, and your thinking as the introverted that this is literally what u think about all the time. its horriable, but also very real to the person who is going through it.
But thank of life is. which i think was madeups point is that. you can either sit and anaylse the fuck out of everything other people do, to explain your own behaviour eg they dont speak to me = they dont like me = i must be a bad person. or you can do what most of the population do, and make up your own mind about things not based on enviournmental ques all the time. eg if someone dont speak to you, your not bothered because you got your own shit to think about, your not so wrapped up in how they feel about you, to overlook how u feel about urself and you come to realise yeh, you may of said something last week that offended them, but if there not willing to talk to you about it to get it sorted, they obv dont care about u anyways, so why would u care what someone, who doesnt care about you think of you?. summed up. you decide how your going to feel today, not jo, dick and harry.
to tackle social anxiety, you need to learn and work out for urselfs the stuff i just been saying, think about why u do certain things, for example the seat on the bus scenario. to help you understand other peoples motives. because although were all different, stuff like that, were not that different. yeh some people wont sit next to you because they think you look skanky or soemthing lol but thats like 1% of people, and you wont know this anyways, so it wont even effect you.
so dont think right im not going to be shy today, because ull give urself a stress attack, just tackle one thing at a time, and let the rest fall into place.
Personally i agree with a few points, that their is defanetly a link between frustration of social status and social anxiety, when we believe we are 'nothing' we are going to behave as if we are nothing eg not say a word, creep about hoping no one will see us, becvause....we are nothing!
If this wasnt the case then there wouldnt be a social anxiety, if it had nothing to do with people and how you feel you measure up to others, it would just be general anxiety. this is obvious. the fact is percific, means you ahve a starting point.
social anxiety is a illness due to many years of low self esteem and this is the anxiety is a physical manifestation of that. this is also obvious.
with social anxeity, you cant just tackle it head on, you have to do it in stages and taking care of different issues at different times.
for me, social anxeity occuered when i had a very high self esteem, but due to alot of let downs from people i was close to, this made me question my high self esteem, and question the very person i was. for example, yeh i think im a good person, but if no one else does, how can i justify that im a good person?
i pretty much over analysed everything that was going on around me till i made eevrything a negative reflection of myself for example, if someone didnt choose the empty seat next to me to sit on, and sat in the one behind me, i would think (stupid now lol) that i must look wierd or give out negative vibes, thats why they didnt choose my seat. its almost as if you are looking for ques in the enviournment to back up your negative believes about urself all the time!! with abit of age and abit of wising up, i just realised its a fucking seat...and if you think in the reverse, when looking for a seat on the bus, do u really have time to examine the people that much u can work out their personalitys by their body language? no.
its absalutly mental and extrodinary how many of your own social explainations you come up with for behaviour when your in a bad frame of mind, and your thinking as the introverted that this is literally what u think about all the time. its horriable, but also very real to the person who is going through it.
But thank of life is. which i think was madeups point is that. you can either sit and anaylse the fuck out of everything other people do, to explain your own behaviour eg they dont speak to me = they dont like me = i must be a bad person. or you can do what most of the population do, and make up your own mind about things not based on enviournmental ques all the time. eg if someone dont speak to you, your not bothered because you got your own shit to think about, your not so wrapped up in how they feel about you, to overlook how u feel about urself and you come to realise yeh, you may of said something last week that offended them, but if there not willing to talk to you about it to get it sorted, they obv dont care about u anyways, so why would u care what someone, who doesnt care about you think of you?. summed up. you decide how your going to feel today, not jo, dick and harry.
to tackle social anxiety, you need to learn and work out for urselfs the stuff i just been saying, think about why u do certain things, for example the seat on the bus scenario. to help you understand other peoples motives. because although were all different, stuff like that, were not that different. yeh some people wont sit next to you because they think you look skanky or soemthing lol but thats like 1% of people, and you wont know this anyways, so it wont even effect you.
so dont think right im not going to be shy today, because ull give urself a stress attack, just tackle one thing at a time, and let the rest fall into place.