Vincent
Banned
Another burning question:
8O
By the way, thanku to all those that replied to my prior rants, I'm very impressed by the level of writing and the sophistication of ideas here, I think that we, with social anxiety, are probably more articulate and more self aware than otherwise, a gift of sorts.
Anyway, I'll try to get to the point...since I got diagonosed with social phobia three years back, I tried unsuccessfully to treat it as a phobia on my own. I tried to expose myself to my fear, tortured myself every weekend working in a bar as a glass hand, but that didn't help me. Then I came to Taiwan, (where I am now) to try and teach English to kids; phase two of the exposure, before aiming to take on teaching adults. It has been an unqualified failure. Well, not totally, cos its a personal achievement and all that, but it hasn't made socialising any easier, nor lessened my anxiety. I have much more anxiety now, every morning I wake up and start worrying about teaching. I consider it a huge responsibility. As I see it, if I have twelve students in my class (the average size), then one hour of my life equals twelves hours of others' plus I get paid for it. I take it too seriously perhaps, I don't know. I mean, lately I've become aware that being a perfectionist makes my expectations unrealistic, however, there has to be some middle ground. If I feel as though a class went badly, then perhaps its too easy to just say "its just my perfectionism that makes me feel bad about it". Something else is that, preparing for class, dramatically increases anticipatory anxiety. So I don't do it. Even if I get to my school early to prepare, then I feel rude if I don't make an effort to talk with Taiwanese teachers or foreign teachers right up until the time that the classes start, and even if I didn't I wouldn't be able to concentrate knowing that, my very presence is causing an impression. So then I think, if they can have an impression of me even if I am being neutral, then why worry? But I still do,...everytime.
I'm going off on a tangent again, something that I didn't want to do, but I don't want to go back and erase what I've written because perhaps someone will find it useful or interesting to read about what its like to be a ESL Teacher with SA. My point: teaching is exposure for me, but it hasnt cured or helped my SA much. I found out today why; because, as a teacher you have a role. There are general expectations and a job description that go with it. It's not totally comprehensive, but it is alot more than say if you go to a party, and you are just there to socialise, that is, there is no character or role to fill except that of being yourself. Who the hell is that? I still don't know, for me, I imagine everyone that knows me must think I'm bipolar or schizophrenic as I try to assume different personalities in an attempt to fit in or allieviate anxiety. Often I do this by trying to imitate socially successful friends that I am in close contact with. It never works. But anyway, as I say, it seems exposure doesn't work, and even if you can get comfortable with public speaking or a certain job, it is of little use in a purely social forum. You must have the right cognitions first Im guessing/researching.
Has anyone had similar experiences or insights from attempts to self help with exposure?
Is it true that results can be obtained with cognitive therapy and then exposure?
Many thanks to everyone on this site, the creators, contributors and members. Knowing you and your courage makes me see the strengths within myself.
Vincent
8O
By the way, thanku to all those that replied to my prior rants, I'm very impressed by the level of writing and the sophistication of ideas here, I think that we, with social anxiety, are probably more articulate and more self aware than otherwise, a gift of sorts.
Anyway, I'll try to get to the point...since I got diagonosed with social phobia three years back, I tried unsuccessfully to treat it as a phobia on my own. I tried to expose myself to my fear, tortured myself every weekend working in a bar as a glass hand, but that didn't help me. Then I came to Taiwan, (where I am now) to try and teach English to kids; phase two of the exposure, before aiming to take on teaching adults. It has been an unqualified failure. Well, not totally, cos its a personal achievement and all that, but it hasn't made socialising any easier, nor lessened my anxiety. I have much more anxiety now, every morning I wake up and start worrying about teaching. I consider it a huge responsibility. As I see it, if I have twelve students in my class (the average size), then one hour of my life equals twelves hours of others' plus I get paid for it. I take it too seriously perhaps, I don't know. I mean, lately I've become aware that being a perfectionist makes my expectations unrealistic, however, there has to be some middle ground. If I feel as though a class went badly, then perhaps its too easy to just say "its just my perfectionism that makes me feel bad about it". Something else is that, preparing for class, dramatically increases anticipatory anxiety. So I don't do it. Even if I get to my school early to prepare, then I feel rude if I don't make an effort to talk with Taiwanese teachers or foreign teachers right up until the time that the classes start, and even if I didn't I wouldn't be able to concentrate knowing that, my very presence is causing an impression. So then I think, if they can have an impression of me even if I am being neutral, then why worry? But I still do,...everytime.
I'm going off on a tangent again, something that I didn't want to do, but I don't want to go back and erase what I've written because perhaps someone will find it useful or interesting to read about what its like to be a ESL Teacher with SA. My point: teaching is exposure for me, but it hasnt cured or helped my SA much. I found out today why; because, as a teacher you have a role. There are general expectations and a job description that go with it. It's not totally comprehensive, but it is alot more than say if you go to a party, and you are just there to socialise, that is, there is no character or role to fill except that of being yourself. Who the hell is that? I still don't know, for me, I imagine everyone that knows me must think I'm bipolar or schizophrenic as I try to assume different personalities in an attempt to fit in or allieviate anxiety. Often I do this by trying to imitate socially successful friends that I am in close contact with. It never works. But anyway, as I say, it seems exposure doesn't work, and even if you can get comfortable with public speaking or a certain job, it is of little use in a purely social forum. You must have the right cognitions first Im guessing/researching.
Has anyone had similar experiences or insights from attempts to self help with exposure?
Is it true that results can be obtained with cognitive therapy and then exposure?
Many thanks to everyone on this site, the creators, contributors and members. Knowing you and your courage makes me see the strengths within myself.
Vincent