Also good advice, thank you. It's what I have done all these years and continue to do daily, and it's probably what keeps/has kept my head above water. I'm at a point now, however, where I want to live free from the struggle and do more, be better.
The most I've been able to accomplish is looking like I'm making eye contact with someone even though I'm really not. I swallow my fear and project outwardly and fake a gaze in the direction of the other person, but at that very moment, my mind floods with anxiety(?) and kind of goes blank. So at the same time that it appears that I'm making eye contact, I'm actually removed from the moment (fight or flight). This weird trick started in my 20s as some kind of survival mode - since I knew I'd have to make eye contact with people to be able to survive, I psyched myself out in order to feel less intimidated when looking at someone by becoming (in my mind) somewhat invisible. Knowing that was unhealthy, I began to try other self-help techniques, but nothing worked and I was getting desperate. So I kept training myself to "go blind when I look at people." Wasn't long before I developed what doctors called "hysterical blindness" where I was literally losing control over myself and going blind when I became anxious. This was terrifying. Twice, while I was crossing tall bridges, I lost eyesight. Had to stop at the top of one bridge and try to calm down because I truly couldn't see anything and couldn't tell if I was driving too close to the side railing. Remarkably, the typical reaction I got from doctors after sharing my experience was a doubtful or disinterested, "Hmm, is that so?"
Meanwhile, life was carrying on for most everyone else, so I did my best to hide my struggle and pretend to function normally with very limited, poor eye contact. I discovered self-destructive things about myself over the next 20 years, such as undiagnosed body dysmorphic disorder and a raging ego that would not let me love myself - basically a lot of shame-based issues. Even recently, I learned that have strong characteristics of an INFJ, which isn't a bad thing, but certainly contributed to my highly sensitive tendencies. With these understandings, I continue to work on my self-confidence and eye contact. But it's still very difficult and life is still very painful. Although I accept and actually appreciate that I'm awkward, I still feel socially rejected. And those feelings come from literal rejection - left out of group activities, always the unchosen one in social settings or professional opportunities, always the bridesmaid but never the bride. I want to be more outwardly focused, but I'm usually the only one around, so, I spend too much time in my head thinking about my problems.
I feel like this is the life of a loser, not "I am a loser." It takes ten times more effort and courage and grace to keep showing up to lose your battles with some dignity.
I just want to, finally, share my story in hopes that someone else with a similar problem comes across it and discovers they're not the only person in the world who struggles with this burden.
