Some of you on SPW got to meet Lenny the Cockatiel my best mate. Maybe she touched you with her soul, like she did with me, and I loved her so, so much. Lenny died in surgery on Friday.
It was one of the worst weeks of my life to watch her get sick, then wait for her to survive the Xray, and then wait for news of surgery. Her heart gave way after 40 minutes of surgery. She had been ingesting fibres from my shoes, she'd chew absolutely anything, they were in the crop and stomach. She was a naughty bird at times.
The pain, grief, lack of sleep and guilt I have felt this week has been uminagineable. Losing my best friend is the worst thing I have ever experienced.
Some of you only heard her whistle, and watched her dismantle my keyboard. And maybe she touched your heart, like she captured my love?
So I thought I share this.
What I wrote on my blog:
Thank you my little friend, fly free now.
I let you down, I will miss you forever. I wish I’d taken better care of her, taken her to the vet more often. You deserved a better owner than me Lenny, I’m sorry mate.
The grief I am feeling is an acknowledgement of the love I had for my friend, and it hurts so bad, but I want to feel it, because I loved Lenny so, so much.
Right now the memories are everywhere I go, and they are hard, but I hope in time they will become special memories of a unique being, a huge personality, that will join that special place in my heart of all those I have loved and will never forget.
Dreams
As I was falling asleep last night, I saw Lenny walk along her perch towards me in her cage, and she looked at me with that look of unconditional love in her eyes. It was a comforting dream in the landslide of dreadful experiences and thoughts and I have had this week.
I went for a run this morning, as I left and closed the door, I looked towards Lenny’s cage, and said “See ya mate, won’t be long.”
And I walked down the hill to Pacific Vet Care where she was admitted on Tuesday, and I looked up at the perfect blue sky, and I opened my arms like wings and said. “Fly free little friend.”
It is times like these I wish there was a heaven, and one day if I am lucky Lenny will stop flying free for a moment, and come down and sit on my shoulder, or on my chest and look for a back of the head rub.
When I came back from my run, I opened the door, and said “Lenny, yay.” It was so hard to not hear her whistle for me
I miss my friend, I have lost the one thing I feared losing most in the world, my world is such an emptier place.
Lenny’s company softened the hard edges of the world for me.
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So what have I done to remember my friend?
I opened her cage, opened my arms like wings and said fly free my friend.
I have sat on my couch, where she would land on my chest and imagined holding her close to my chest where she came for a head rub.
I created a memorial post for her on my blog, facebook and here on SPW. My cousins and niece left lovely comments.
I spoke to my sister who was helpful, having suffered similar losses of family pets. And she also met Lenny and everyone that met her loved her instantly.
I have kept some of her beautiful feathers.
She will be cremated, and her ashes will kept in an urn, with the inscription "Thank you my friend, Lenny, fly free now."
My neighbour has also been helpful.
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The loss I feel is immense, I can't sleep, the memories are everywhere. My motivation to go on has been so greatly diminished, I have very little enthusiasm. But I am getting out there, I went for a run but I had no energy, I think I have lost weight. I see a doctor on Monday.
