Fantasy girlfriend

[Littlewilly]

I know this will sound crazy but I have never had a girlfriend or been married or anything but I have fantasized that I have been over the last 30 years on people that I have had crushes on or people that I think might have been interested in getting to know me in the past. Yes im shy & was bullied at school & i remember being bullied by a girl not long after i started school.I think i have face allsorts of trauma in my life on & off.As for the above (FANTASIES) i think i fantasized over having a girl or wife because i felt safer that way because when it comes to reality i just don't get the confidence to make it happen.
Im considering going back to my therapy group or doc & telling them or him the truth that that is my problem is never having a girlfriend etc.
Do you or anyone think i should have some sought of Pschotherapy.
I take anything anyone might suggest because i think this has gone on long enough or maybe too long enough or its too late to do anything now or maybe i've worried about it far too much over the years & pushed it all away.

 

[vj288]

First off I don't think it sounds crazy that you do that, I too have never had a girlfriend/been married and have fantasized about it too, usually crushes of sorts, a lot. I know what you mean by it being safer, everything in your fantasizes is in your control, it does feel very safe there.

I'm not sure if the problem is simply never having had a girlfriend, or that getting a girlfriend would solve all the problems. I think we fantasize what we wish for, what we long for, what we want. Getting what we want is a goal but not a solution though. Lack of experience leading to a lack of confidence, I see that connection, that's an endless cycle though. If this is what you want I think group or therapy sounds like a good idea, with the goal of increasing confidence as your goal. It sounds like that is the root maybe, there are ways to build confidence I believe, starting small and working your way up.

The confidence is what you need to make it a reality, that's where I would start if I was going to hope to start dating or anything. Or if that is not what you meant, confidence still is always something we need in life and it never hurts to work to improve it.

 

[BlueDays]

First off I don't think it sounds crazy that you do that, I too have never had a girlfriend/been married and have fantasized about it too, usually crushes of sorts, a lot. I know what you mean by it being safer, everything in your fantasizes is in your control, it does feel very safe there.

I'm not sure if the problem is simply never having had a girlfriend, or that getting a girlfriend would solve all the problems. I think we fantasize what we wish for, what we long for, what we want. Getting what we want is a goal but not a solution though. Lack of experience leading to a lack of confidence, I see that connection, that's an endless cycle though. If this is what you want I think group or therapy sounds like a good idea, with the goal of increasing confidence as your goal. It sounds like that is the root maybe, there are ways to build confidence I believe, starting small and working your way up.

The confidence is what you need to make it a reality, that's where I would start if I was going to hope to start dating or anything. Or if that is not what you meant, confidence still is always something we need in life and it never hurts to work to improve it.

^ Great advice!

I think that placing your hope in a future girlfriend fixing your problems is a recipe for disappointment. All humans are flawed, you will never find a girlfriend who is perfect enough to "heal" your problems. That's a big expectation to place on a girl, and may scare one away.
The only person who can fix or heal your problems is yourself, although a therapist can help to guide you with management tools and information.

 

[Littlewilly]

I think my problem was my anxiety. I was afraid to date incase something went wrong or there was something I wouldn't of liked so I shyed away from it & so I pretended to date & felt safer that way. Its like I was afraid to try things incase they went wrong or I was going to fail like at work 'I never really progressed at work' incase of failure now I'm not working as I should be like in a job with a steady income. Its like I haven't got the confidence to find another job, I just do a bit of gardening work during the season & maybe the odd warehouse job here & there but I don't really enjoy it very much. When I look back on my life it seems i've had to go through this trait for some reason or another it was the same at school I never really progressed at school,never went to any college,never went to university reason being it was never encouraged but that doesn't really bother me but sorry ive ranted again off the main problem of never having a girlfriend.(Shyness,anxiety,no confidence,low-self-esteem).Maybe i've worried about it too much or maybe I just feel sorry for myself.::

 

[Hoppy]

My fantasy girlfriend dumped me.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

My fantasy girlfriend dumped me.

Mine ran off with my fantasy best friend.

 

[Mokkat]

It must definitely be a consequence of living a permanently lonely life + the pressure of conformity to a society which dictates that having a partner is necessary for living a fulfilling and respectable life.

I have had this problem as well, but in the recent couple of years, some of my friends have gotten together with the crushes I have had, pushing my down the staircase emotion-wise - I have still never had a girlfriend at this point, but fantasizing about life with a crush is now too painful.
Look up "schizoid personality disorder"

 

[OvidiuDanut]

Guys just start online to approch girls. Under anonimity's cloak you dont take any risks. I started that way when i was 25, after sometime i actually started dating, and after few trials i got happily married. Let me tell you, i also thought that along with my first girlfriend my problems would go away. Trust me they wont. They will diminish but not significant.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

I once had a "fantasy" girlfriend... But in the end the whole thing crashed and burned worst that the Hindenburg.

Ever since then I try to get close to people, not fantasies.

 

[water4]

No its not crazy. But man get out and push yourself if your shy. I used to be really shy like whenever a girl talked to me I blushed, i could never maintain eye contact, i got warm and my voice started to shake. Then one day I got tired of being nervous so easily, so I started slow. Like go out on the streets and asking girls for time or direction, then i pushed myself more and I remember when saw this girl outside and i thought she was cute. So approached here and was really scared, my voice were shaking and I told her that she was cute, Guess what? She got really happy about it. And i thought i was going to be rejected, but dude, girls DONT WANT to reject guys. No girl actually WANTS to do it.

 

[drganon]

Usually when I do end up fantasizing about having a girlfriend, being in love,etc., I end up getting depressed because I end up feeling that I'll never have one in real life, so why bother.

 

[The Observer]

I always wanted a brown hair and brown eyed latina girlfriend and often thought about how good it would be to have one. Since I overcame my SA I've since made this fantasy a reailty

 

[Golden Beam]

I used to do the fantasy girlfriend thing, but I also managed to have a real girlfriend from time to time. Although I'm less shy than I used to be, I still tend to be reserved and on the quiet side.