Getting desperate, worried, feeling hopeless

[Shutinshell]

I am in my early 20's and I have never dated. Never had a boyfriend, kissed, didnt go to my prom, etc. I had crushes. I had guys who seemed like they might like me back. There was even guys who did have a small crush on me. But nothing ever came of it. I'm shy. I cant flirt with a guy and smile at a guy because I am shy. I always get the same response. You are pretty but you dont smile. You look mad or upset all the time. Well..I'm shy. I cant just make myself unshy. If a guy looks my way I freeze up and look down straight away. I cant calm down.

I'm getting so desperate I'm considering dating sites and dating men old enough to be my father. I just dont want to be alone anymore. I feel myself getting more desperate as time goes on. I am so scared of hitting 30 and still being in this situation.

My mother's boyfriends kid annoyingly kept asking me if I ever had a bf or have one. I didnt want to answer because I felt ashamed. So I just gave vague non-answers. I dont want to tell some little kid w/ a girlfriend who probably has more experience than me (so ****ing ashamed of myself) that I never had one. This went on for a while. He kept pestering me about this. One day my mom heard and loudly in front of everyone said that I never had one and was a good girl. She told me I have virtues. I have virtues? What the hell does that even mean? I'm not this way by choice! When I try to discuss this with her it almost sounds like she's happy I'm still single. My sister gives me better advice in this area but I dont have the courage to go through with it.

I considered joining a dating site but I am afraid to put up a picture. I am afraid someone I know will see it. Another scenario is someone from the site seeing me and calling out to me and having people I know find out. At the same time I know that no pic likely means no responses. Why I am afraid I dont really know. I mean I'm an adult. Who cares if they know right? Somehow I still feel scared. Plus even if I met a guy who was interested I dont have anything to offer him except my body and company. For a long time I was a major shut in so I am behind in alot of things.

Btw please save me the you dont need a man to be happy bit. I want a man, dont have one, and I'm not happy. Its pretty simple. Anyway I just sort of wanted to rant. Its easier to do so to a bunch of strangers.

 

[Silatuyok]

I am not desperate, and I have used dating sites, and I have also dated men who were a lot older than I am. There is no shame in either of those things. I can understand if you would feel awkward that someone you know might find you on a dating site...but I hope you understand that there really isn't any shame to using them. It is becoming a very accepted (if not standard) way of meeting people these days. Beside, if someone sees you on a dating site, it just means they were on the dating site too, so how could they look down on you or mock you for it?
Personally, I advocate the use of dating sites, and I think it's a great way to get experience in the dating scene. It can be rough, yeah, but you will learn a lot as you go.

If you are afraid that you don't have much to offer to a potential date because you don't have many interests/hobbies or aren't current in popular culture, don't be. There is no better way to learn about these things and explore new interests than to share the things that other people are passionate about. Your dates will be thrilled to find someone who wants to learn about their interests.

Good luck in your endeavors!

 

[MikeyC]

There's nothing to lose by putting yourself on a dating site. If you're as shy as you say, it's about the best way you could get yourself out there and finding a guy.

I'm positive you could offer men more than your body and company. You're probably a better conversationalist than you think, but your shyness gets in the way of it.

Good luck.

 

[Thelema]

girls usually get a lot of interest on dating sites. Don't feel like you have to settle for anyone. be choosy.

There's nothing weird about using a dating site or going after something you want.

 

[O'Killian]

I haven't actually put much time into dating sites*, but I have used them. I worried over putting a picture out there for ages as well. In the end it's extraordinarily unlikely folks will recognize you, and even if they did, well, they're in no place to judge, right? I say do it. When I finally jumped in to try and help my anxiety issues, I was lucky enough to find a couple of girls who, while not all that romantically compatible, were easy to talk to and instrumental in puzzling through some of my own issues.

Also, you say you have nothing to offer except your body and your company. I'll just say you need to put some careful thought into offering the former; as for the latter, isn't enjoying (or at least sharing) each other's company what most relationships are about? At the very least, you should have some awkward/interesting e-mail/PM conversations about shared interests, and if you get lucky you might find someone. There'll be some trial and error getting there, but that's how it works.

*actually I've spent a lot of time reading about how they work, what people do on them, and examining how people try to present themselves. People are fascinating.

 

[Boby]

I considered joining a dating site but I am afraid to put up a picture. I am afraid someone I know will see it. Another scenario is someone from the site seeing me and calling out to me and having people I know find out. At the same time I know that no pic likely means no responses. Why I am afraid I dont really know. I mean I'm an adult. Who cares if they know right? Somehow I still feel scared. Plus even if I met a guy who was interested I dont have anything to offer him except my body and company. For a long time I was a major shut in so I am behind in alot of things.

Joining a forum like SPW it may be considered a taboo thing,that's why some people hide their identity here but dating site are not the same thing ,joining a dating site is considered an absolutely normal thing ,there is nothing to hide about it.
And I can relate to you on so many aspects,I have almost zero experience with girls and I may not be as old as you(I'm 22) but I'm a male and the social pressure to have/had a relationship is much higher and also as a male I need far more confidence than a women needs and I have sever lack of it.
Also I agree with you about people who say having a relationship is not important,well...I find it very important ,it consumes me every day,it makes me unhappy and it destroys my confidence.

 

[Srijita52]

I agree with everyone. There's nothing wrong with joining a dating site. Its a great way to reduce your shyness. Good luck!

 

[THeCARS1979]

I am in my early 20's and I have never dated. Never had a boyfriend, kissed, didnt go to my prom, etc. I had crushes. I had guys who seemed like they might like me back. There was even guys who did have a small crush on me. But nothing ever came of it. I'm shy. I cant flirt with a guy and smile at a guy because I am shy. I always get the same response. You are pretty but you dont smile. You look mad or upset all the time. Well..I'm shy. I cant just make myself unshy. If a guy looks my way I freeze up and look down straight away. I cant calm down.

I'm getting so desperate I'm considering dating sites and dating men old enough to be my father. I just dont want to be alone anymore. I feel myself getting more desperate as time goes on. I am so scared of hitting 30 and still being in this situation.

My mother's boyfriends kid annoyingly kept asking me if I ever had a bf or have one. I didnt want to answer because I felt ashamed. So I just gave vague non-answers. I dont want to tell some little kid w/ a girlfriend who probably has more experience than me (so ****ing ashamed of myself) that I never had one. This went on for a while. He kept pestering me about this. One day my mom heard and loudly in front of everyone said that I never had one and was a good girl. She told me I have virtues. I have virtues? What the hell does that even mean? I'm not this way by choice! When I try to discuss this with her it almost sounds like she's happy I'm still single. My sister gives me better advice in this area but I dont have the courage to go through with it.

I considered joining a dating site but I am afraid to put up a picture. I am afraid someone I know will see it. Another scenario is someone from the site seeing me and calling out to me and having people I know find out. At the same time I know that no pic likely means no responses. Why I am afraid I dont really know. I mean I'm an adult. Who cares if they know right? Somehow I still feel scared. Plus even if I met a guy who was interested I dont have anything to offer him except my body and company. For a long time I was a major shut in so I am behind in alot of things.

Btw please save me the you dont need a man to be happy bit. I want a man, dont have one, and I'm not happy. Its pretty simple. Anyway I just sort of wanted to rant. Its easier to do so to a bunch of strangers.

Hey how are you? Im looking for someone too , love to be your boyfriend or even date you but we re probably far apart. But here it goes, try to focus on other things as well, not only that. If you meet the wrong one , its going to be dreadful and disastrous for you and maybe only you. some guys are ruthless. And i hate to hear the stories about girls like that. It pisses me off. Just, try to be happier, and dont dwell on it to to much. I know I have the same problem. Dont worry about what other people think. I had a profile on pof but things just didnt work out there either. I worry about being alone too. I think alot of people do. If you want to talk hit me up with an email at least befriend me : )

 

[Hoppy]

I dont have anything to offer him except my body and company.

Please do not look at it like this, it is not a good recipe. You can offer him your company, if that isn't good enough for him, then he is not good enough/ right enough for you.

The correct order of things are, acquantice, friend, boyfriend, intimacy.

There is even a book : "Why do I think I am nothing without a man?" by Penelope Russianoff, maybe this will help a bit.

And a nice Dedication in front: "To my husband, who puts up with my insecurities and doubts, who discourages desperate dependancy, and who lovingly supports my undependance, curiosity, exploration, and the risk taking paths that my career of clinical psychology has continuously set before me."

On a positive side, I'm also looking for someone.....

 

[bcsr]

My only advice is, if you go the dating site route, be very picky. Don't jump into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. Don't feel like you have to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy.

Believe it or not, a lot of guys would prefer to date someone who was quiet and preferred staying home. I know I would, and I'm sure I'm not alone there. Don't sell yourself short.

 

[mikebird]

No girl ever spoke to me, or asked if I had a girlfriend; I've had some (7) but they don't last forever.

The worst, equivalent question I'm asked, about 100 times in a day, is:

"Do you have a job? When was you last job? What did you do there?"

I did play with dating sites. Relationships have started personally via my local friends and groups, and others have been in London and international! Don't be picky. Dating websites are meant to get people together, as are employers and jobhunters, via recruiters

I find work through any conduit because I'm lucky that my skills are in need of so many industries

 

[AsTimeBurns]

I'm on a few of them (dating sites), but find them mostly pointless because even if I do manage to strike up a conversation with a girl/woman, they soon lose interest because i have nothing of interest to keep their attention. That or I stop responding because I realise there's no point in it, i'm not going to meet them ever.

 

[hardy]

Okay , i was feeling hopeless . I was thinking suicide. Medication helped a bit but not good enough to live around people. Anxiety, panic gripped my life. I was doing okay last year...but i stopped meditating for some reason and i felt like really hopeless.

The only thing that keeps me going now is learning and doing Buddha's meditation daily. Please do it, this seems the only thing that has helped me survive in really hopeless situations. Its a technique to develop your mind. please google it...u might want to google vipassana.

I feel okay now compared to really hopeless.