GF seeks advice on socially phobic BF

[flopsy]

hi all

i'm not even sure my BF has social phobia as he doesn't, to my knowledge, have any of the symptoms on the list on the left. However, he does...

* hate social outings, parties etc
* meeting new people
* worry obsessively about his clothes, hair etc
* worry obsessively before the event - like days or weeks
* get to the stage where he will get ready to go, but can't get out the door at the last minute

this has affected us. I'm quite social but although we've been together for nearly four years, he doesn't know many of my friends that well. I insisted he get to know my family and now he's great with them - we socialise a lot with my sister and her husband. But new friends, or friends i've had for years, he won't do. He's OK if they come over, but usually won't agree to go to their house for dinner or anything else. which is hard to explain as most people just don't get it. Especially those who have no problem socialising and pack their weeks in with outings, dinners, etc.

he loves our flat and i think would be quite happy to stay here for most or all of his spare time, although he also enjoys travelling with me and dinners out etc (he never used to enjoy the dinners but over time has seemed to come around and now suggests going out). he seems to enjoy just hanging out with me and just one or two of his long-time friends. he used to drink and go out more when he did drink, but he no longer drinks and i think it has really exacerbated the problem as he used it as a social lubricant and now feels very self-conscious when we're out. we have a small flat and i don't invite people over a great deal because of this, but we're looking to buy a house and i'm hoping if we entertained more it would help 'expose' him to other people and become more comfortable. but then i'm not sure if even that will work or if he'll ever be comfortable with other people and if it's just something i need to accept.

he is also struggling with what he wants to do with his life and says he hates people asking him about what he does for a living etc etc, whereas the people we know, most have established careers and all bought property, got married and had babies while we were travelling and living it up in our 20s.

although it affects our social life, i feel that it also affects our future too - we have talked marriage but he always freaks out about it and says he couldn't stand the ceremony and he'd only be keen to do it if we eloped with no family members present whatsoever (his family live o/s). Which is pretty sad for me - i want my mum to see me get married. Also i wouldn't mind eloping but i'd love a big party when i came back. I think these fears hold him back from moving forward.

however i have noticed changes... he is good with people he's exposed to but it really has taken YEARS to get to this stage. he also seems to really have a good time when we actually do go to a party or the pub to meet people or whatever, on those rare occasions, but on the way home he always tells me it was 'torture' for him, even though he appeared to be very capable chatting and making jokes and seemed to my eyes to be having a good time. Other times though, he has come along and just sat there all night without saying a single word, so i get jumpy and anxious now on the rare times we do go out, wanting to know he's OK and ready to go if he wants to bail.

i am so confused and don't really know where to turn or how to handle it. Sometimes i get mad and sometimes i have a meltdown over it but i always feel bad and wish i just knew how to handle it. I love him dearly and wish i could help him. I just don't know how. Does anyone have any advice for me??? Anythign would be much appreciated, thank you so much.

Flopsy

 

[RoboLobster]

Tell him what you just told us, if he agrees and wants to get better perhaps consider seeing a therapist, or just working on it. For me a big part of keeping my SA at bay is constant exposure to people. Not to a point where its super stressful, but enough to say "in shape" or something.

 

[AlliGoLighlty]

I too am the GF of a SP, we've been together 3 years. My boyfriend hangs out in this forum often and he asked me to read your post. I felt, as I read your post that you were telling my story. EVERY word rang true. When I reached the end I felt a rush that brought tears to my eyes that someone else knows how I feel.

All your situations with family, old friends, new friends, travelling in our 20's, marriage, trips to restaurants everything (I am going to make a copy of your post as you have put into words my feelings far more eloquently than I ever could). However I am fortunate (unfortunate?) that my BF knows about this, he realised there was something going on. He is taking medication and he goes and talks to professionals every now and then.

We have recently made the decision to go our separate ways. Its a very difficult conclusion for both of us. I feel that if relationships are 100%, I have 95%, However the 5% I dont have, socialising, my family,marriage, a social circle, is very important to me and unfortunately very difficult for him. Like you I love my boyfriend with my whole heart and wish it could be different.

I know that this forum has helped him to understand and to realise that there are other people who feel this way, (its a relatively new field and a lot of the doctors dont really know whats what yet).. Andhelped him to not feel guilty about the way he feels, with knowledge comes understanding, nothing can happen overnight.

I know its really hard to stay patient when you get to the door of a party/restaurant/house and have to turn around, I've lost it before, but in the end my losing it just makes it that much harder for him the next time, not only is it the usuals fears but also the fear of me getting cross The never ending vicious circle... So I also recommend patience....

Stay strong of heart and true to your self and that its your 'CHOICE' to live how you want to live...Its all about sacrifices...

(the guys on this forum are gonna tear me to shreds)

I am also an Australian.

I'm here if you want to talk...

 

[FruitLooPs]

I dont think the guys will rip you to shreds, thats your opinion and I cant see why people would fault you for it.

In a kind of stupid way its because of this im glad i've never had a GF, I feel as if I would've become a burden to them and 'cramp their style' so to speak.

Of course its obvious i'll never know unless I go and try, its a matter of weighing up the joys of a relationship with the downs and frustrations that go hand in hand with SA.

I dont want to screw over years of someones life just so I can see how I cope with relationships. Sure they might have a good time, but they probably would've had more fun with someone that wasn't afraid of socialising.

Thats how I kind of think about it. Threads like this only help enforce it i'm afraid (its not your fault though hehe).

Of course it can work out I spose.

But then again i'm probably waaay overanalyzing things, heck I bet none of that even enters the head of a normal person going into a relationship.

I need to take a step back

 

[Parttimer]

Fark. I always write a couple of paragraphs and then delete everything and never post. Eugh, i can't help myself get over this thing how can i help anyone else.

Although I was interested in and i'd wholeheartedly dispute one of the earlier posters saying family, friends social outings are worth only 5% of their lives. This is absurd. To a non SA woman those things are probably far outweigh a even a BF (there a many fish in the sea etc). Which is why i never approach women for a relationship cos i know i'd isolate her from these things and make her really unhappy. I don't wanna rubbish the earlier posters BF tho, he sounds alright cos he does make a fair bit of effort to hang with her family and a few friends so hes not that bad. Also, looks are decieving and although u might think he's having a good time theres a possibility theres a lot of turmoil going on underneath if he says there is.

 

[flopsy]

hi everyone

thanks so much for all your posts. I can't tell you how great it is to actually put a name for what he/i am going through - and to meet others in a similar position to me (hi AlliGoLightly!)

Unfortunately, he hasn't acknowledged that he has SP. we have talked about it in a roundabout way and sometimes we might descend into one of those uneasy conversations which end up with him falling back on his old defense mechanism, "they're YOUR friends. They're not my friends, so why do i have to be involved?" i know it's not about that, it's just a way he has of protecting himself so he doesn't have to confront the things he fears most: ie, going out. We don't actually discuss it as SP, he's not the kind of person who delves deep into those feelings. And as for therapy - well he comes from a culture where therapists are laughed at and anyone who ever suffered 'depression' or anything similar was simply given a 'good kick up the bum'. So i can't see myself being able to hustle him into therapy anytime soon! however i know he thinks about it because when we end up in situation where i end up going somewhere alone, he's always shamefaced when i get back and says he feels extremely bad he didn't make it. if i'm going out with friends, he always wants to know where we're going and who i'm going with, and seems a little wistful, as if he'd like to come along. it's weird - recently friends rang and left a message asking us to meet them at a restaurant for an early dinner around the corner, on the off-chance we were home (we weren't). i told him about it though, and he said, 'i would've been keen'. But if the same friends ask us to go to their place, he won't go. I am not sure what triggers it or what makes it OK... maybe not dwelling on it and doing things spontaneously works sometimes, but other times he needs to psych himself up.

sometimes when i see how many social things we go to, it seems to be getting better. if there are two he might say, pick one, i'll go to one (i'm talking once a month here). we've also talked about compromising on 3 social events a month - a dinner, bbq, night at the pub, whatever. he'll agree, but at the time it's all dependent on how he feels. we've talked about how meeting more people would be good for him and he agrees - so i know he knows something is going on. But i don't know if putting a name on it would make it worse, or if just dealing with the symptoms may help him improve naturally. he didn't have this problem when he was younger (he's now in his early 30s) so i think it's something that developed when he stopped drinking and combined with shyness it has developed into SP.

does anyone think constant exposure can cure SP? i'm hoping when we buy a house and entertain more, or have more friends just dropping round, will help things, as it seems to have helped him in the past.

thanks again
flopsy

PS: Alli - I'm so sorry to hear things didn't work out with your BF. Am sure it was a horrendous decision to make, especially if everything else in your relationship was good. Haven't reached that point as am still hoping my boy does improve with the social circle thing. But hope you're doing OK. i'm going away for a few days but maybe we can chat more next week?

 

[MrMr]

Hi Flopsy,

I agree with the other posters who said that u should show your post to your bf.I think this is a great idea,as it is so well put.

I know how your bf feels,some social occasions or situations are fine,but others can be a nightmare,if a certain person or group of people will be there,or he is uncomfortable with the setting.Full Exposure to the anxiety situation will not work,as it is usually too strong.Exposure needs to be done in small steps.

It is really hard for a person with SA to be open with their feelings.You have to do this in a way that he knows that you really care for him and want to help him in any way you can.

SA can include a lot of other related symtoms also,like avoidant personality and depression.

I know how he feel about seeking help.Most of us view going to therapy as "we must be crazy or mad".It has a real social stigma attached with it.I myself found it really difficult to ask for help,but I said to myself I have two choices,I could stay the way I was and spend most of my weekends at home and never meet new people or have a gf,or I could seek help and try to live my life as full as possible,so I decided to seek help.I searched the net and found that CBT had the best results for SA.I went to my Doc and told him my symtoms and without even asking for it,he suggested CBT.Now I will be starting this next week and I'm pretty nervous about it.The thing I like about it is it doesn't go over your past in any great deal,unlike other methods of therapy

Now in the meantime I decided to try Dr. Richards CBT audio series.This guy had really bad SA for over 20 years.It has been a huge help to me so far,I am only half way through and already I feel a lot better.There are also quite a few books on SA on his site and also on Amazon,these would also help you undertand what is going on.This could be a good start for you and your bf,as he wouldn't have to go to a therapist.It may even help him get to the stage where he will be able to gne thing to remember about CBT is that you need to do the exercises every day.The good thing about this is that you could help your boyfriend with it.

Here is the link to Dr. Richards page
http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

This site explains how CBT works
http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

I hope that this is of some help to you,good luck

 

[flopsy]

taking BF on social-heavy work trip

hi all...
thanks MrMr for that info - i think it could come in very handy if i ever get my boy to talk openly about his SP. Not sure if he's quite ready to do it.

i have another query for readers of this post - sorry if it sounds a bit weird but it's driving me a bit bananas and i'd really appreciate some help!

i'm going on a week-long work trip and my boy has been invited (me work, him holiday). After heavy negotiations he is coming and I think looking forward to it. However, there’s one catch – we have to eat dinner with around 12 people – six other workers like me and their partner or friend who’s been invited – each night. No one knows anyone, so it’ll be a bit awkward for everyone at first I think. My boy knows about it and isn’t happy about it… but I think he’s ok to do it. What he doesn’t know though is that we have to eat late, about 8 or 9pm, which is hours after our usual dinnertime of 5pm. For me, eating with strangers, eating late… well it’s just for a week and I’ll cope, hey, I may even have fun. For him, eating with strangers and eating late – it’s way out of his comfort zone and I know it sounds like a small thing but he really is into his rituals (eating early being one of them because of the hours he works).

I guess I just would love to hear from other SP sufferers who’ve been thrown into the deep end on something social like this. (Initially I thought we’d be on our own most of the time so the trip wasn’t such a scary proposition – I’ve only just found out we have the dinner thing every night). Normally I know exactly how to handle him, but when he gets into a ‘state’ over things I have no idea what to do. Do SP sufferers like to make their own decisions all of the time, or should I try and push the issue a little on the night? Also, if he does revolt and refuse to go to dinner, does anyone have suggestions on how to handle this? If it were you, would you prefer your partner was blasé about it and said you were just antisocial, or make up excuses like he’s tired, he’s had a busy month, he’s just keen on an early night? He’s usually in bed early so it’s not really an excuse, but the whole thing is causing me untold anxiety in case there is a problem once we’re on the trip – and because it’s a work thing for me, I am even more stressy than usual.

So, I’m just working on my game plan just in case anything goes awry – I’m hoping he’ll get on with some of the other punters and won’t mind the dinner every night, but experience has taught me otherwise…

Anyhow, any advice would be great – thanks so much and sorry if it sounds like a ridiculous situation. As you can see his anxiety levels are starting to rub off on me… argh!

Thanks guys.
Flopsy

 

[nickabcuk]

...

 

[snefitty1586]

sp can put so much stress on a relationship. I don't know how or why my boyfriend still puts up with me. I do know that your boyfriend is very lucky to have a girlfriend who is supportive and understanding.I just recently confessed to my bf that all of my "weird" behaviors aren't caused by typical shyness, that is bigger and more intense than that. He is proud of me for seeking treatment but I still don't think he fully grasps how hard it is for me to control. I'm sure that when your bf is ready to talk about it, he will consider himself very lucky to have you with him.

 

[flopsy]

thank you so much

hey guys
It's true we all have needs and my boy's SP does get me down at times. However it's good to know that when i need to, i can come and talk to people who get it (as opposed to people who try to get it and can't and leave me feeling even more bereft!!).
I think SP is a hard thing to handle because the more you make a big deal out of it the worst it gets. Playing SP down - in our case anyway - seems to have a better effect, but i guess i'm still learning every day.
Nick - you make a very good point about how he has to do it for himself, not for me as it disempowers him. Hadn't thought about it that way until you pointed it out... up to this point it didn't matter who he did it for, as long as i could sometimes feel that we were like any other 'normal' couple... i guess i have some work to do too about worrying what people think.
Feeling a lot more relaxed about the work trip now, so thanks again.
Cheers
Flopsy

 

[flopsy]

hi all,

i just wanted to post and say thanks to everyone who helped me out with advice a couple of months ago re my BF's SP. we went on the work trip and he was fantastic - a couple of nights he begged off but the rest of the time he really made an effort with the other people, which was great.

Now we're back i get a bit down in the dumps thinking about where we go from here - but i know it'll just be a long process. We had people round last week for a TV night and he enjoyed it the whole process. he just will rarely go to their place or meet new people. Sometimes i get so upset thinking, can i live this way forever. I know relationships are constantly shifting but it can get you down feeling you have to live a separate social life to the person you really love. But i'm just having a down week i think. For every week spent feeling like i live in a bubble, we have a great one with a bit of socialising together which gives me hope for the future.

Anyhow, hope you're all well and happy and i'm sure we'll chat again soon.

cheers,
flopsy