happy being alone?

[jillkehler]

so yesterday i had an epiphany when i realized - and admitted - that i have a social anxiety problem. i was enjoying what i thought was going to be a nice small bbq with two friends, when suddenly three more people showed up unexpectedly (to me, anyways). my friends had apparently invited their friends, and basically immediately my demeanor changed. suddenly i became very self conscious, i was stuttering my words, and eventually i just stopped talking and making eye contact with anyone. i began to think that these people were judging me, thinking what an ugly, pathetic individual i am. and basically i endured this for about 40 minutes before getting up and making up some excuse and leaving. my head felt fuzzy far beyond the campground, and it didn't really 'clear up' until i got home.
i have ALWAYS felt awkward in certain social situations, especially if it's just one-on-one with somebody and i'm basically forced to engage in conversations. i start to think, what if i can't think of anything to say? what if i say something stupid? and i basically just shut down.
is there anyone else out there like me, who is literally happier when they are alone? there's nothing i enjoy more on a saturday night when everybody's out hitting the clubs, than getting cozy on my couch with my dog and watching a movie (and maybe smoking a bowl, side note). i constantly try to force myself into social situations and battle the anxiety up until the moment i have to leave my apartment, convincing myself i'm going to have a great time and people enjoy this kind of thing so so should i, etc etc. even when i had a boyfriend i had to mentally force myself to spend time at his place, but it seemed like the more time i spent with him around, the less i felt like myself.
other than this lack of socialization, i'm basically a normal person. a bit on the creative side, i like to paint (not artistically, i like to take old ugly things and paint them and make them look updated and beautiful), cook, decorate, walk my dog, go for bikerides, and shop, plus i work full time. i like going out for dinner with friends to a new restaurant.
but it seems that in certain social situations where i am EXPECTED to be talking and nonchalant like everyone else, i totally shut down and feel really really uncomfortable. if i had a choice, i would do something alone rather than with 3 or more people. some people are socially anxious and feel very alone and depressed because of it. i, on the other hand, excel when i have nobody around me. i'm just not a big fan of the human race.
anyone else out there like me? tell me what makes you nervous and awkward socially.
thanks for listening!

 

[zav943]

I can totally understand where you're coming from.

Everything you said is just errily familiar to me. From the sudden social 'shut-down' that you experienced at the party when more people showed up, to the feeling of being responsible for keeping a one-on-one conversation going, to the awkwardness of hanging out with my then-gf.

When I'm in a small social gathering, I can usually get some good conversations going at the start, but once everyone gets comfortable and the focus shifts away from me, I just lose momentum and, slowly, I just completely fall silent. I feel that anything I say will be judged harshly or ignored, and the more I remain silent, the tougher it is to emerge and say something interesting or funny (or anything at all!). My mind goes blank and I feel like I have nothing to add to the conversation...all I want at that point is to leave.

I remember not so long ago, I went skiing with three of my friends in the morning. We then went and had supper at a restaurant (all was well during that time), and finally we headed to someone's house to play Cranium. There were at least 4 new people now and none bothered to talk to me or ask me my name as we stood around the kitchen counter chit-chatting. I was expected to stand there with a beer and make clever remarks at whatever was being said...I obviously stood there silent.

As the night progressed, 4-5 people took over the place, talking, laughing joking, shouting, and the remaining people were either quiet or plain silent. I was, needless to say, in the last category...that is to say, for the 4 hours from when we started playing till the end, I said NOTHING (except, excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom).

While I do agree with you, then, that being alone liberates me from social stress, if I'm alone for too long, I get lonely really, really fast.

I go jogging almost every day and I see couples cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc... all the time, and it just hurts...I try to feel happy for them, but it always comes back and hits me hard...it's a stark reminder that I'm, in a way, socially incompetent. It's the same reason I feel unhappy when I drive by a bar district and wish I was like these 'normal' people who have fun all the time.

but life goes on...

Anyways, welcome to the forum jill