I could tell that I'm a very special person. For starters, I consider myself to be a monster. Although I have a conscience the size of two universes, I have accepted that, sometime in the future, I will snap and become a sociopath. I will do things truly monstrous, and despicable. I have also accepted that, just before that point in my life, I have to be ready to kill myself. It's nothing serious, it's only death.
I constantly think. There's never a moment of peace. I think about how I have no social life, how evil and abhorrent I am, and how I can't show any of my true emotions, anywhere. I have completely brainwashed myself, so that every time I feel any positive emotion, a voice tells me "you don't deserve this". I constantly live in a sea of fake happiness. Sometimes, I think about how much I enjoy the pain that this never-ending chaos brings into my life. It feels good not to be bored.
Although my parents assure me that my past was bright, I'm completely unsure of it. My memory is hardly reliable enough to memorize what I've had for breakfast, anyway. Sometimes, I obsess about whether or not I really was a murderer, a child molester, or a truly scary child when I was younger. Sometimes, I wonder if I even was a child a couple of years ago. Who says I'm actually not older than I think I am? I could be 60 years old, considering that my memory has gone to dust!
I have now resigned myself to total isolation and torture, creating a makeshift prison out of my home. I never, ever leave my house, except for when I go to school, and when I go out to volunteer. (I am in the IB program, so I need to have 150 hours of volunteer service collected over grades 11 and 12. Busy!)
I get very jealous at how great other peoples' social lives are. But, I'm only doing all this for the good of everyone else. Like I said, I can't tell just how evil I was back then. But in the present, I know everything about my actions.
I constantly think. There's never a moment of peace. I think about how I have no social life, how evil and abhorrent I am, and how I can't show any of my true emotions, anywhere. I have completely brainwashed myself, so that every time I feel any positive emotion, a voice tells me "you don't deserve this". I constantly live in a sea of fake happiness. Sometimes, I think about how much I enjoy the pain that this never-ending chaos brings into my life. It feels good not to be bored.
Although my parents assure me that my past was bright, I'm completely unsure of it. My memory is hardly reliable enough to memorize what I've had for breakfast, anyway. Sometimes, I obsess about whether or not I really was a murderer, a child molester, or a truly scary child when I was younger. Sometimes, I wonder if I even was a child a couple of years ago. Who says I'm actually not older than I think I am? I could be 60 years old, considering that my memory has gone to dust!
I have now resigned myself to total isolation and torture, creating a makeshift prison out of my home. I never, ever leave my house, except for when I go to school, and when I go out to volunteer. (I am in the IB program, so I need to have 150 hours of volunteer service collected over grades 11 and 12. Busy!)
I get very jealous at how great other peoples' social lives are. But, I'm only doing all this for the good of everyone else. Like I said, I can't tell just how evil I was back then. But in the present, I know everything about my actions.