Listen to me. Think about it like this. A party/celebration of life it is better to have more people wrocking the boat then to have none. Stop living in fear and stop being a slave and just learn to be upbeat no matter what the situation. Next your going to start sounding like a mother saying "can't win, can't win" while hiding under a rock planning your escape.
If you have a problem with people just stop having a problem with people. If it is a anti-non-heterosexual thing just remember. In Judaism it is okay for men to be near men and women to be near women but not okay for the opposites to be near. Why be a confused gentile who is upset about everything.
Learn not to care and realize touching does not matter. Touching only matters when it comes to STD's/VD's/HIV and that is it. Okay so learn to grow up. Your body is not going to age like wine and your going to have to keep yourself afloat one way or another.
So it is better to learn how to not care and just get along with people. I mean seriously I will admit if it was in public and you do not know the person you should learn to get along with people trying enjoy the world.
Like take the food server vs. the people at one table vs. people at another table. You have to understand that people come and go. One table might be touchy while another table might not be touchy. Then of course a group of X people with a group of X peoples families. It is like getting a video from the rental store. There is Rated-G ( cowards ), Rated-PG ( meh ), Rated-R ( most cases uncensored but censored for the region ), Rated-NR ( no rating at all ). Imagine if they were sitting at different tables. G might associate with PG and NR but R never associates with G. Simple as that.
The key is not caring or giving a darg about any of those things
Another issue is not associating people enough and living a shut-in life. When you associate with people it is a great feeling inside of you. You feel contempt. It is like when you take a vacation you start kissing and hugging all the family members you have issues with.
Another word of advise. Take a vacation. Go on one of those free tours where you can work for free or live inside somebodies place for free in another nation kind of thing. Or just drive to a destination like the Grand Canyon or even Vegas or something along those lines. You need to get out and live.
Some people are addicted to that kind of life style.
That is my two cents.
Thanks hun. I appreciate your advice. Though I think you and I have different ways of viewing things. I will say this, I don't think it's necessarily fear of being intimate with others, but I'm honest when I say that it really is in my nature that I'm just not an affectionate person. It's not to say that come up to people who are in good moods and rain their parade by making them feel bad about themselves because I'm not the one having a good time. Like I usually say, I live and let live.
But besides that, I think it's also due to me not being a flirtatious person and when I feel someone touch me or come up behind me out of nowhere by surprise, I'm either usually taken aback or just feeling awkward. I'll tell you, I wasn't blessed with the most happiest, perfect childhood I could've lived with throughout my life. I think due to all the amount of negative criticism, yelling and shouting, and drama I've been recieving from most people (my whole family especially) has actually led it harder for me to believe in myself. Being around overly critical people who do nothing but point out everything you do wrong or everything they see in you that they don't like, makes it harder just to force a smile on my face and pretend I'm okay.
I think for the most part of my life, I've been constantly forced to put on a front for people in order for them not to see me for who I truly am. I know you'd probably tell me to avoid people like these, but that's the problem. These are the types of people I have to deal with every single day on a regular basis. They're not people I just walked up to one day, introduced myself to, made small talk and that I'll never have to see them again afterwards. Not only that, I've also had to learn to deal with people who are either highly stubborn, hot tempered, impatient, and those who laugh at the sight of me grieving. I swear not even people like my own sister can take me seriously if I try to explain to her why I feel the way I've always felt like.
Believe me, I don't go out of my way to destroy people's moods if they're already happy with themselves. I'm more disappointed and quite upset by the lack amount of support or respect I've gotten from them over the years. Not everyone in this world has treated me cruelly, but there were enough to make me feel as weak and depressed about myself than I'd ever realize. I'm more surprised at how much negativity I've been feeding off from these people. I can't remember a time when anyone in my life could list anything positive about myself (that goes for my family as well too.) And even when they do have something positive to say about me, it's very rarely ever said. It's 95% of the time that there will always be something negative said about me, no matter what I say or do. There's always going to be that one flaw they pick on and make it seem worse than it really is. Because of their constant negative critcism, I feel I'm starting to doubt myself and my own decisions. Now, as I said in another thread before, now I'm grown to expect that everyone around me will treat me the same.
I guess of course, being me, I don't have too much luck when it comes to finding my own happiness. Well, that's pretty much what I think anyways. My intentions for writing this thread wasn't meant for me to sound like a debbie downer or anything. I just wanted to explain my own feelings in which I can't fully express them torwards my own family or other people honestly. I feel this is at least a much more safe environment for me to be able to vent any of my frustrations or sadness I have built in me. I know this was rather off the subject a bit from what this thread is supposed to represent. Maybe a time will come when I'll learn to accept these things have happened to me and the time for me to move on from it.... eventually.