Aiyieeeee
Well-known member
So I'm a 22 year old college student. I've finally gotten to the point where I want medical help for my Social Anxiety, but no health insurance (Come on Obama.....), so I'm out of luck and left to suffer.
When I was very young and in Kindergarten experiencing social situations like that for the first time on my own, I realized that I was different, but I thought in a special way. All of the other boys were loud, ruckusy, obnoxious and gross, so naturally whenever we had to get in groups with the opposite sex, all of the girls ran to me. I felt good about myself.
I got to the 4th grade in Middle School and realized I was different but in a bad way. One of the worst, if not the worst year of public schooling I've ever had. I'd rather not go into detail, but let's just say no one was stampeding toward me anymore to be my partner. I hated myself.
I was diagnosed at 16 in High School with Social Anxiety and Depression, although I was persistent in letting her know that I wasn't depressed, just pissed off at my mother. You know how the teenage years are. I had been depressed before and knew how it felt. But anyways, so I went on Paxil and the dosage must have been too small because I felt no different at all until I eventually went off of it.
After years of just accepting my fate and feeling like this would be my normal forever, I've finally decided I'd actually like to go on medication for my condition because as I'm getting older, some things are just getting unbearable.
I have no friends, no social life, never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, and keep to myself.
I've never had a panic attack, but I have had these pulsating debilitating lightening strikes along the sides of my abdomen after public exposure. It's only happened 2 and a half times and it last about a minute. But it's extremely painful and you really can't move or do anything and it takes everything out of you to keep a stoic straight face and not betray the pain coursing within you.
I always think people are talking or laughing at me, but I think the paranoia is warranted because I'm usually right. I'm convinced of this. I don't like to eat in front of people and I treat family members like strangers. Sometimes I fee like my lips are the size of a grapefruit and that everybody is staring at them. When I have something to say and am trying to get the nerve to say it, my hearts start attacking itself just by the thought of publicly speaking and I feel like everybody can see it beating through my shirt.
After public situations, whether I speak or not, I'm thinking and stressing over it and over analyzing everything that I did and what I did wrong, what I could have done differently and how I embarrassed myself.
Somehow I ended up in this Theater Class and tomorrow I have to ACT in front of the class and because the scene from the play has a little RAP number in there, my group decided it'd be fun to do a little music video-esque thing and RAP in front of the class as well.
I'm physically ill and dying. Quitting college over this sounds so good to me. Or at least dropping the class.
And I researched up on Social Anxiety and I found out that it's in the group of Mental Illnesses that tend to get WORSE as you get older and I can tell. When I was young I thought I was just naturally shy and would grow out of it. I know differently now and it's rather depressing, because I'm leaving childhood and entering adulthood and I'm just not ready. I haven't caught up mentally to where I'm supposed to be.
When I was younger I'd always ask myself, "When am I going to come across somebody exactly like me?"
22 years and I have not met ONE PERSON like me and I've stopped expecting it to happen. Especially now that I know I'm not normal.
I've accepted how I am and how it's going to be. I don't mind being alone anymore and the prospect being single forever is something I've accepted as well. As if I had a choice. This is all I know and all I ever expect to know.
When I was very young and in Kindergarten experiencing social situations like that for the first time on my own, I realized that I was different, but I thought in a special way. All of the other boys were loud, ruckusy, obnoxious and gross, so naturally whenever we had to get in groups with the opposite sex, all of the girls ran to me. I felt good about myself.
I got to the 4th grade in Middle School and realized I was different but in a bad way. One of the worst, if not the worst year of public schooling I've ever had. I'd rather not go into detail, but let's just say no one was stampeding toward me anymore to be my partner. I hated myself.
I was diagnosed at 16 in High School with Social Anxiety and Depression, although I was persistent in letting her know that I wasn't depressed, just pissed off at my mother. You know how the teenage years are. I had been depressed before and knew how it felt. But anyways, so I went on Paxil and the dosage must have been too small because I felt no different at all until I eventually went off of it.
After years of just accepting my fate and feeling like this would be my normal forever, I've finally decided I'd actually like to go on medication for my condition because as I'm getting older, some things are just getting unbearable.
I have no friends, no social life, never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, and keep to myself.
I've never had a panic attack, but I have had these pulsating debilitating lightening strikes along the sides of my abdomen after public exposure. It's only happened 2 and a half times and it last about a minute. But it's extremely painful and you really can't move or do anything and it takes everything out of you to keep a stoic straight face and not betray the pain coursing within you.
I always think people are talking or laughing at me, but I think the paranoia is warranted because I'm usually right. I'm convinced of this. I don't like to eat in front of people and I treat family members like strangers. Sometimes I fee like my lips are the size of a grapefruit and that everybody is staring at them. When I have something to say and am trying to get the nerve to say it, my hearts start attacking itself just by the thought of publicly speaking and I feel like everybody can see it beating through my shirt.
After public situations, whether I speak or not, I'm thinking and stressing over it and over analyzing everything that I did and what I did wrong, what I could have done differently and how I embarrassed myself.
Somehow I ended up in this Theater Class and tomorrow I have to ACT in front of the class and because the scene from the play has a little RAP number in there, my group decided it'd be fun to do a little music video-esque thing and RAP in front of the class as well.
I'm physically ill and dying. Quitting college over this sounds so good to me. Or at least dropping the class.
And I researched up on Social Anxiety and I found out that it's in the group of Mental Illnesses that tend to get WORSE as you get older and I can tell. When I was young I thought I was just naturally shy and would grow out of it. I know differently now and it's rather depressing, because I'm leaving childhood and entering adulthood and I'm just not ready. I haven't caught up mentally to where I'm supposed to be.
When I was younger I'd always ask myself, "When am I going to come across somebody exactly like me?"
22 years and I have not met ONE PERSON like me and I've stopped expecting it to happen. Especially now that I know I'm not normal.
I've accepted how I am and how it's going to be. I don't mind being alone anymore and the prospect being single forever is something I've accepted as well. As if I had a choice. This is all I know and all I ever expect to know.
