hell is other people....my story

[jonny]

arite folks!, my names james im 25 fae edinburgh, iv been suffering from social anxiety since i was around 20 and moved away from home,b4 that i was fine, happy with myself if a little shy.. iv also smoked weed every day for the last 9 yrs also tried mushrooms a few times (had a gun held to head in dam while oot my face),acid,speed,eckys,coke,jellys and drink LOADS every wk end since i was 15....crazy i know.....my sp is so bad at the mo i can barly leave the flat, i do work but its hard man, really hard. so low just now i really cant b fukt wi life, the madest part is ma pals think im the soul of the party (waxky,funny,carazy guy).....used to b....the glow has defo gone.

i know people have started to notice, i went to t in the park this yr and sucked up alot of cociane, since then i can barly make eye contact with any1, if i do, i get things like (ur eyes look weird) even ma mums freaked oot by me, i tried to explain but i can c she cant relate..slowly i feel my freinds and life slipping away...in ther beginning i used to blush badly, but that was it, over the last 5 yrs it has gone from that to....cant walk on a bus wothout thinking people c my nerves, any form of transport actually, cant walk properly think im walkin funny...so i do, people hav sayd ha ha gotta laugh or id cry, ummm eye contacts a big problem , neva used to b at all!,...errr aint had a bird since i 2002...get nervous in shops,very nervous,nervous round my mates iv known for yrs, constantly worrying wot experession i hav on my face,have a CONSTANT twitching around my mouth and cheeks which gets alot worse wen around people,can hardly smile, well maybe big fake grin but never in between, go red alot, sweat buckets, anything involving people is a no

YET ha ha ul laugh at this, iv traveled oz,nz,america,thailand, etc always go oot at wk ends, festivals, gigs, BUT have to drink at least 15 drinks to relAX. THE LAST 2 WKS HAV BN HELL, I FOUND IT A STRUGGLE B4 TO HIDE IT BUT NOW FOR SUM REASON ITS 10 TIMES WORSE AND AM BEGINNING TO WONDER IF THIS IS REALLY IT, LOSE FREINDS, HAV TO ADMIT IM FUKT UP AND BECOME A RECLUSE!!! ...iv had a crazy life with loads of mates, plenty of mad storys and seen loads of the world but i knew it would eventually get to this point, iv alo tried hypnotherapy for ages 300 quis-zero results, bn to doc, therapist-zero results. got a docs appointment monday am gonna ask for meds....last resort or id hav to quit my job,kany take it anymore....mask is slipping. sorry to ramble on but i already feel betta gettin of my chest. like to hear if any1 has a similar story or ides on meds??

 

[engine]

u are not alone

hi ya james,read your story,sounds pretty crazy,i used to think the older you get the easier it would be,but it doesnt pan out that way.
I too suffer from the same symptoms you described,pretty crappy way to be,i travelled alot and had lots of friends,but sadly lost them one by one as they just didnt understand or i just didnt explain my situation to them.
i too work hard everyday,the one shitty side effect of this condition,i work all the time so i dont have to make small talk with other collegues or socialise with them,not that i dont like them,but that they will see a weakness in me,i.e nervousness,and i think that would make me vulnerable,to what i dont know,i just get paranoid about that.
i used to tak emeds when i was younger,zanax,but that was crap,it made me sleepy,i couldnt do my work well,i gave it up.
i struggled for years in work with this crazy condition,made no friends,turned into a workaholic,barley socialised and lost my old friends as i couldnt bear them to see me in this way.
i eventually said screw this after countless years,i started to accept the way that i am,i dont believe there is a cure for it,u just need to get on with it,everybody has problems in one way or an other.
my life is normal enough now,im happy to say i have a good job,people know there is something odd with me,but i dont care i just get on with it.
ive always been a fighter in my life,it doesnt matter what,if theres something i want ill fight for it,if been fighting this condition for years now,its a stalemate,but ill keep it that way and ill never give up.
what i will say is dont let your anger take control of you,use it in a good way and try to channel it in a different direction,i do believe if you could control the emotional energy associated with SA you could do great things with it.
I rambled on a bit there,i hope u dont mind,i dont know if this helped u,but a least ure not alone.
:wink:

 

[jonny]

cheers for the reply engine!!.....i dunno if theres a cure either...but then i c nervous people everywhere so i try to think it aint just me,.....i think iv become obseesed with the idea im completly fukt up...i know i am to an extent but then other times im fine.....this medication feels like im on speed or sumin...but in a nervous, paranoid way...hmmmmmmm

cheers mate, hope u get batter

 

[jonny]

hey

iv got a flat in meadowbank....u??.....aye i hate it more than anythin!! really gets u down eh

 

[jonny]

wow!!! ha ha pretty close then eh....well my hotmail address is [email protected] if u ever wanna chat, maybe meet up some time if u were up for it...i had a real shit day today....pretty "spooked"...aye im the same.....kany believe it, im the worst iv bn in yrs...how bad do u hav it??....u able to leave the house??.....im here if u need to talk...spk 2 u l8r

 

[jonny]

i was lucky to not hav it at school or college....poped up after me and my girlfriend split few yrs back....lucky me!!! ha ha aye iv got msn....just stick in ma email and ul b blessed wi a photo of urs truly ha ha l8r

 

[dominucci]

Yeah

I feel ya man, the condition is definetly freakin terrible. The eye thing I can really relate to, they say the eyes are the window to the soul. And although nobody has ever directly told me my eyes look weird, I can sometimes tell by their reaction to my eye contact. Or people may comment on other people's craziness around me, saying stuff like 'you can see it in their eyes' (I'm a social worker by the way so I come across many crazys like myself) But Jonny, I feel that the drugs are a big part of what brought this on for me. Ecstasy made me the man, gave me friends and confidence, latter I replaced this with alcohol, ridiculous amounts, and I'm still an addict today, always wanting to be on something....especially pot, yet pot makes me really really weird...and gives me the crazy eye thing like a mother. I was recently at a friend's family bbq, and although I thought I handled myself pretty well. People were put off by the way I was looking at them I guess, giving me weird looks, and my buddys father kept asking if I was alright...I was stoned. So I feel ya, I'm not judging you because I'm in the same boat, but I think the drugs have done a number on our brains and have awaken things that otherwise might have not been so bad

 

[jonny]

arite dominucci, holy shit man, u sound EXACTLY like me...well as in the syptoms way....the eye thing is crazy!!...iv neva really had an eye contact thing goin on b4....started hapnin after a mad nite on coke!! ha ha i shldnt laff but wot can u do....people look at me funny sumtimes to, coz im sure i look weird...i can feel it wen my eyes go weird...like im unhappy or paranoid....sux big time. sumtimes im ok tho....yeh i still drink alot and smoke weed but tryin like fuk to cut down, hard wen ALL ur mates do it aswell....u got msn man? where u from?....social worker...that must b hard wi sa!!...im in construction...dealin wi customers....aye i panic at direct eye contact..jst stare at em...ha ha nightmare!