Help! I am a fairly assertive, confident woman in my 40's. Yet I am like a 12 yr old girl around men I am interested in or show interest in me. So I do understand shyness. My problem is with my best friend of 5 years. He is 44 and has been single for about 20 yrs. Since his dad died & he ran the farm along with a full time job. We are together all the time, over the years he has relaxed more around me. People we work with have asked him outright if he is gay, so last year he started saying he is asexual. I believe he is love-shy, has very low body image & thinks that a woman would only want him for his money. I am so in love with him, he is in fact the best man I have ever known. The one I have been waiting for my entire life. He does let me touch him without flinching anymore. He points out every time we go out men that are looking at me like "that". Men have lusted for me my entire adult life, I know the look the want only to possess & consume me. When he looks at me he sees "me". We share morals, values, goals, interests & many laughs. I too lived a celibate life for 11 years, my "can't touch me, can't hurt me" theory. The problem was I was lonely for an intimate connection. When we talk of such things he laughs & says "you? You could have any man you want! How do you not see that?". Ugh ~ how is it that he cannot see he is the man I want? I tease & flirt with him & he blushes. If I don't just say the words I fear I will regret it until my dying day. Yet, if I do & he freaks, I loose my dear friend forever. We are going away for 1 week & need to decide one way or another. Please help me out. Lost in the madness.
Help with a love-shy guy
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BlueDays
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It kind of seems like he feels he is not good enough for you. If he has a low body image as you say, and he has said "You can have any man you want" maybe he feels you would be happier with someone other then him.
He won't know that you only want him and no other man unless you let him know in certain terms.
You may have to choose between living as you are with a best friend you love and want to be with, putting up with the frustration forever, OR gently telling him exactly how you feel about him and be prepared to live with the consequences if he is unable to go any further with you then friendship.
He won't know that you only want him and no other man unless you let him know in certain terms.
You may have to choose between living as you are with a best friend you love and want to be with, putting up with the frustration forever, OR gently telling him exactly how you feel about him and be prepared to live with the consequences if he is unable to go any further with you then friendship.
I think it might just take a little while for him to accept this reality. I'm 41, single for 18 years and when I think about my one love, it's like 'did that really happen?' (And even then it was she who hit on me
When shyness has pretty much ruined every potential along the way, it's easy to have sort of written off that part of life. He's probably just in shock.
When shyness has pretty much ruined every potential along the way, it's easy to have sort of written off that part of life. He's probably just in shock.I can deal with him saying we just have to remain friends. Yes I will be sad, then horrified & embarrassed that I said the words. Like I said I'm pretty shy when it comes to men. What would be my ruin is him freaking out, then shutting me out & no longer having this wonderful man in my life at all.
Part of it definately is his belief in what women want! I remind him he is not a woman & has no idea. Do not put us all in the same box & generalize please. Not all women are so vain & shallow! Are men? If I'm a beautiful woman, but a total bitch who treats you like crap is the pretty worth it? I think not & it works both ways. So for all you shy guys who believe the craziness, stop listening to that voice. Women want to be cherished, respected, loved & yes protected. It is born into us. By protected I don't mean we need some one to fight our battles, believe me most are more than capable of that I simply mean protected in the sense of weathering a storm, or strength of character to allow women to be softly feminine. Plenty women have had their tender hearts shattered many are very leery also. As for the much talked about "friend zone" well it can be a non threatening, no pressure place to actually just discover another, without the weirdness & pressure of the "date".
Sorry for the rant but it makes me sad, the whole situation. I also have a grown son who is much like my friend, very shy around women. I, being his mom want him to have a beautiful life!
T - 4 days to our trip & still nauseous about whether my friend can handle my words. I guess I need to have more faith in him.
Part of it definately is his belief in what women want! I remind him he is not a woman & has no idea. Do not put us all in the same box & generalize please. Not all women are so vain & shallow! Are men? If I'm a beautiful woman, but a total bitch who treats you like crap is the pretty worth it? I think not & it works both ways. So for all you shy guys who believe the craziness, stop listening to that voice. Women want to be cherished, respected, loved & yes protected. It is born into us. By protected I don't mean we need some one to fight our battles, believe me most are more than capable of that
I simply mean protected in the sense of weathering a storm, or strength of character to allow women to be softly feminine. Plenty women have had their tender hearts shattered many are very leery also. As for the much talked about "friend zone" well it can be a non threatening, no pressure place to actually just discover another, without the weirdness & pressure of the "date". Sorry for the rant but it makes me sad, the whole situation. I also have a grown son who is much like my friend, very shy around women. I, being his mom want him to have a beautiful life!
T - 4 days to our trip & still nauseous about whether my friend can handle my words. I guess I need to have more faith in him.
I sincerely doubt this would happen. He probably values your friendship too much, even if he doesn't want to take it further. But it seems to me that the two of you going on a trip together is already taking the next step. Saying the words might just be confirming what the two of you already know.
Well the trip was fantastic! I tried to talk to him, as a tongue tied fool. Any way plenty of short awkward conversations with us both trying to get the words in our minds out clearly. Nothing changed which is ok at least he knows, yet now he is tormenting himself. Saying "I need help, what the hell is wrong with me, when I'm with you I realize how screwed up I am". I didn't want him to do this, it is terrible to watch & realize I have caused him pain. That is the last thing I would ever want for him hoping as some time go by this too shall pass. Thanks for your help.
hoping as some time go by this too shall pass. Thanks for your help.