Doomed2Die
Well-known member
Caution. Skip to last small two paragraphs if you don't want to read my life story .
Well, what can I say... I have been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome a while back and I am 100% sure I suffer from SP, even though I feel my asperger side is nigh non-existant, people seem to lable me as such if I tell them.
It seems I have no connections to anything, and am terrified of leaving the house, my room is my prison and this damned computer my only link to other people... and yet its not. I hate myself for everysingle thing I do, look like and think and cant think of a single good thing about myself, no really and ironicly enough its all I have to talk about.
My "life" has been crushed by myself (Social Phobia) and so far it seems my only disguinishing part of my personality is my self hate and shyness. People say im laid back though and relaxed, they are so wrong because in reality im crying on the inside and running rampant in my personal hell.
Anyway I attended mainstream secondary school as is usual but after the first two weeks of fun new experiences I totally and utterly broke down what with crying at home and the transformation of a new kid to robot guy, I eventually stopped attending school and with help of my mother (well, I was dead, she did everything) got into a special needs school, first week there I got attacked by some crazy psycho kid who was in the school for tearing some guys face off in mainstream...(it was a small fight where I did nothing mostly because of shock) oh yeah did that set me back it made me even more terrifyed of everything to the point of panicing when I thought I saw the kid, well after a long time (2yrs) attending I started to develope past the fear and what not, I felt wonderful and noticed how badly I did not fit in for such a school, I aced the work as expected for a "aspergers" and made friends mostly due to the very very small classes and friendly teachers. I still missed whole weeks off fairly reguarly and had bouts of sever apathetic depression but I was growing in personality.
When it came to the limited GCSE's for such a school I was hit by a wave of depression and missed alot of pratice sessions and completed the maths (got a D, maximum for the group) during what seemed a dream since I had little to no sleep for about a week, plain down failed at art (F) when I came out of the depression only to see I had no plans for the assignment and the teachers would not help, since they just thought I was lazy (a huge problem in my life, people mistaking my depression for lazyness). Oh and get this, a small group was helped with a teacher to try for a GCSE I.T.C, because we had no teacher specialist for it we tried an online method... well simply put my 'friend' ADHD guy deleted all my work from the unprotected system and broke my cd that backup was burned onto... I gave up after that.
So... after school it felt incredible to be gone from that horrid place where crazy children run rampant swearing and acting not-too-smart and generally causing childish problems. I had lots of therapy including hypnotism (major thanks to my mother for the help). Under much encouragement I signed up for a foundation style college course and while it was a breakthrough for me, it didnt go any further than 'depressed robotic state HIGHLY focused on oneself' I failed work there BIGTIME since I was very unfocused due to depression and such, made no friends but no enemies either, people saw me as a emotional and personality void which they promptly pilled their own visions of me so they could cope with it, many times someone would laugh and compare me with something in a joke (as people do) only for them to miss way of the mark on what I am, I have been classed as a stoner, alternative, rocker, skater, loner. Like what the hell? :S.
Missed a bunch of weeks, I got a pass 'JUST' and now im doing nothing but 'surviving' in my room... with no one but my family (who I kinda dont get along with and have majorly different views and pastimes) and this bloody computer in which all it seems I do is play video games 'hiding from the world'. I read warhammer novels (had no willpower for the real thing), fantasy novels, play many video games both on console and pc, listen to metal / progressive rock / Korn / System of a down / epic orchestal and video game music, and lately touching on the bible and Jehovah's Witnesses (who as a whole are really really nice people by the way, seriously they do everything out of love and really do care about random people AND not crazy :S how odd for todays world).
Majority of my time is spent in 'depressive, lonely, nothing to do or dont want to do anything' states. I simply cannot go outside on my own without nearly breaking down and losing all backbone ( sometimes I almost fall over :| ) I become so self centred I cannot think about my goals and anyone else, this last thing is currently my pet hate since I WANT to meet new people BUT when it comes down to the crunch I fall apart like newspaper in a hurricane.
Uh, sorry for the life story but I needed to type this for one reason or another, simply by typing this I feel a little better since its a kind of outlet and yet hate the fact im yet again speaking about myself... Also the Doomed2Die alias is depressing but its a handle I have held onto for a long time and would rather keep it. Also I aplogize for my poor grammar and the like.
Oh and, Hi all... almost forgot that... Glad to be here I'll read a bunch tomorrow...
[EDIT] I understand this is possibly in the wrong place but this could very well be the only post I would make. If someone could point me in the right direction if it is wrong I will try to amend things.
Well, what can I say... I have been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome a while back and I am 100% sure I suffer from SP, even though I feel my asperger side is nigh non-existant, people seem to lable me as such if I tell them.
It seems I have no connections to anything, and am terrified of leaving the house, my room is my prison and this damned computer my only link to other people... and yet its not. I hate myself for everysingle thing I do, look like and think and cant think of a single good thing about myself, no really and ironicly enough its all I have to talk about.
My "life" has been crushed by myself (Social Phobia) and so far it seems my only disguinishing part of my personality is my self hate and shyness. People say im laid back though and relaxed, they are so wrong because in reality im crying on the inside and running rampant in my personal hell.
Anyway I attended mainstream secondary school as is usual but after the first two weeks of fun new experiences I totally and utterly broke down what with crying at home and the transformation of a new kid to robot guy, I eventually stopped attending school and with help of my mother (well, I was dead, she did everything) got into a special needs school, first week there I got attacked by some crazy psycho kid who was in the school for tearing some guys face off in mainstream...(it was a small fight where I did nothing mostly because of shock) oh yeah did that set me back it made me even more terrifyed of everything to the point of panicing when I thought I saw the kid, well after a long time (2yrs) attending I started to develope past the fear and what not, I felt wonderful and noticed how badly I did not fit in for such a school, I aced the work as expected for a "aspergers" and made friends mostly due to the very very small classes and friendly teachers. I still missed whole weeks off fairly reguarly and had bouts of sever apathetic depression but I was growing in personality.
When it came to the limited GCSE's for such a school I was hit by a wave of depression and missed alot of pratice sessions and completed the maths (got a D, maximum for the group) during what seemed a dream since I had little to no sleep for about a week, plain down failed at art (F) when I came out of the depression only to see I had no plans for the assignment and the teachers would not help, since they just thought I was lazy (a huge problem in my life, people mistaking my depression for lazyness). Oh and get this, a small group was helped with a teacher to try for a GCSE I.T.C, because we had no teacher specialist for it we tried an online method... well simply put my 'friend' ADHD guy deleted all my work from the unprotected system and broke my cd that backup was burned onto... I gave up after that.
So... after school it felt incredible to be gone from that horrid place where crazy children run rampant swearing and acting not-too-smart and generally causing childish problems. I had lots of therapy including hypnotism (major thanks to my mother for the help). Under much encouragement I signed up for a foundation style college course and while it was a breakthrough for me, it didnt go any further than 'depressed robotic state HIGHLY focused on oneself' I failed work there BIGTIME since I was very unfocused due to depression and such, made no friends but no enemies either, people saw me as a emotional and personality void which they promptly pilled their own visions of me so they could cope with it, many times someone would laugh and compare me with something in a joke (as people do) only for them to miss way of the mark on what I am, I have been classed as a stoner, alternative, rocker, skater, loner. Like what the hell? :S.
Missed a bunch of weeks, I got a pass 'JUST' and now im doing nothing but 'surviving' in my room... with no one but my family (who I kinda dont get along with and have majorly different views and pastimes) and this bloody computer in which all it seems I do is play video games 'hiding from the world'. I read warhammer novels (had no willpower for the real thing), fantasy novels, play many video games both on console and pc, listen to metal / progressive rock / Korn / System of a down / epic orchestal and video game music, and lately touching on the bible and Jehovah's Witnesses (who as a whole are really really nice people by the way, seriously they do everything out of love and really do care about random people AND not crazy :S how odd for todays world).
Majority of my time is spent in 'depressive, lonely, nothing to do or dont want to do anything' states. I simply cannot go outside on my own without nearly breaking down and losing all backbone ( sometimes I almost fall over :| ) I become so self centred I cannot think about my goals and anyone else, this last thing is currently my pet hate since I WANT to meet new people BUT when it comes down to the crunch I fall apart like newspaper in a hurricane.
Uh, sorry for the life story but I needed to type this for one reason or another, simply by typing this I feel a little better since its a kind of outlet and yet hate the fact im yet again speaking about myself... Also the Doomed2Die alias is depressing but its a handle I have held onto for a long time and would rather keep it. Also I aplogize for my poor grammar and the like.
Oh and, Hi all... almost forgot that... Glad to be here I'll read a bunch tomorrow...
[EDIT] I understand this is possibly in the wrong place but this could very well be the only post I would make. If someone could point me in the right direction if it is wrong I will try to amend things.