How do you become friends with someone who is shy just like you?

[ThatOneShyKid]

So here is the story. There is someone I know in my lunch that I believe is just like me. I shouldn't judge, but most of it's from observation. He doesn't talk at all just like me, and we both seem anxious to talk. It would be tough to connect with him at all because I feel we would both be scared to connect and it just wouldn't work. But I somehow feel it would be better then connecting with a socialable person. They probably wouldn't give me a chance to talk and I wouldn't be able to catch up with what they are saying either. I've tried to email him telling him to text me if he ever needed a friend, but those emails have gone un-replied. He probably think's I'm weird doing that then just talking to him on Facebook. It's kind of awkward to talk to someone just like that after not having done so once. I feel we could be good friends but I don't want to overthink it too much. All of the other people in the past I thought would be good friends ended up leaving me for someone they thought was better and more fun to be around. I wish people weren't so judgemental...

Thanks a bunch if you could help me figure out how to make this work. I haven't had a true, real friend since I was little and I'm not the best with starting conversation..

 

[MikeyC]

I think you've made a good start by contacting him through email. However, if he hasn't replied, that might mean he finds it awkward or he doesn't know how to reply. Try talking to him in person. You did say you're tough with conversations, but maybe he is, too. Nothing wrong with trying.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

I just started talking to him on Facebook tonight. So far I have learned alot. When he asked me who I was, I mentioned how people usually stop talking to me once I say who I am. But he didn't. And we talked for a good two hours too even when the conversation seemed like it was dying. I hope it will continue to happen everyday.

I'm really glad I decided to message him. I was really nervous, shaking and even sweating when I first talked to him, but calmed down more as time went by. I can't imagine how it would be like if those things happened in real life too when I talked to him

Does the same thing happen to you with friends? How you tell someone who doesn't know who you are maybe over Facebook or text and then they just ignore you? That happened with one of my other friends. I only made the effort because we used to be friends years ago, but I don't think he's worth my time anymore.

 

[MikeyC]

That's great that the conversation was flowing and progressing, even when it was possibly going to die. The ice has been broken and that should lead to at least a decent friendship later down the track.

I don't remember having anyone flat-out ignore me, although once a girl who was interested in me stopped being interested when she found out I was a virgin. She wanted experience and I couldn't provide that, so she found me instantly unattractive and our friendship kind of died after that (I didn't really care, to be honest).

Anyway, good work, mate! You pushed through your anxieties and made it happen. Well done.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

Thanks. I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep this up, though. I wanted to talk to him all day today but had no clue what to say to him. I saw him log off and on just after a couple minutes of checking the chat. And one time he did, I said hey to him, and he went off and three minutes later he liked a song. I hope I can make this work..

I'll probably be up all night thinking about it, too.

 

[MikeyC]

It's not an easy think to keep up, considering you're trying to befriend someone who's as shy or shyer than you, but you're doing well and I think he knows he can trust you.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

I've realized this, which is why I asked for advice. You have helped comfort me so far.

I'm not sure yet if he is willing to trust me or not. At the beginning of the conversation last night, we were talking about how much we used to talk. We both mentioned that we used to talk more in middle school and elementary, yet when I asked him if we could work on it together (talking more), he said he would be fine doing it alone. That he has done it in middle school and think he's capable of doing it in high school. I don't really believe that he can do this all on his own. I want to help him so we can both improve our shyness together. He probably said this because we just started talking, but do you think he'd be willing to do it if we talked more? He often says excuses for not talking such as "I had nothing to say." which is exactly what I would say but at least I tried to find something to reply.

I'm slowly starting to believe that my best chance at improving my shyness is to work with somebody whos shy like me. If I worked with someone socialable, well, they would probably talk too much, not give me a chance to talk, and wouldn't listen to what I have to say. I'm going to try my best to at least give him a smile, wave at lunch tomorrow or say hello. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, I would have noticed him. He also said that no one would notice him at lunch or not. I told him that I do so hopefully that made him feel like people do pay attention to him.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad I could help, mate.

I think maybe he's not used to the idea of anyone giving him a whole lot of attention, so he's trying to comprehend that. Don't force yourself to help him, either. If he says he wants to try and do something on his own, let him. Being a good friend to him is to just encourage him to chat more, not force him to.

You're doing well, mate.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

You're probably right on the "whole lot of attention" part.. I told him I was making a video with a song he likes for him and he said he would watch it. The day I'm finished he says maybe tomorrow and ends our 1 minute conversation because he said he was studying. But he stayed online hours later.. I feel like I'm being ignored now, but I also feel like he could have told the truth. We have exams this week, which is what he's probably "studying" for.. I'm going to try to wait it out until they are over (Friday) to talk to him. It's been a rough week :/

Would you be interested in watching it? I'll send you a link over PM if you want. It's a cartoon music video.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, if you have to study, that's probably what he did. Sure, send me a link. I'll watch it.

 

[9407]

o_o I was thinking of making this exact same topic. It's hard to talk to someone who is also shy. Very hard.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

It's been about 5 days until we talked. Last time we talked he said he was studying and said bye and I felt like he was ignoring me because he remained online hours later. I finally took a chance and talked to him again. I was going to wait until our exams were over because he said he was studying, but having no one to talk to was putting too much of a burden on me. I was suprised when he told me it doesn't bother him at all if I talked to him while he was studying, because all week I kept thinking it did. He said he left to listen to music that day I talked to him but I still don't understand why he didn't come to say he was back. We were talking about having friends and talking and I mentioned to him that I'd like to be friends with him but I don't know what's holding me back. He said that I shouldn't bother talking to a freshman like him, but I told him that I'd rather have one freshman friend then no friends. And I'm really glad I said that. I hope saying that made him feel like there was someone who cared about him to say that. I'm still waiting until the next time he comes on to mention my video because I feel that might bother him too. I hope after talking to him I'll be able to have at least a short conversation when we see each other at lunch Friday. All this time I thought he was shy but he said it wasn't that hard for him to talk to people and make friends. But all this time in lunch it seems like he's shy and hasn't took the chance to talk to people and make friends. I don't understand him quite yet but I hope I can find out more about him once we start talking more.

 

[Bo592]

I am wondering is there something going on in his family life that troubling him ?

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

I am wondering is there something going on in his family life that troubling him ?

I'm not sure, but it could always be possible. What made you think that?

I think he might actually take some sort of medication since he said he is tired all the time, but he goes to bed earlier then most people I know: 10PM. And he also says he's good at making friends, but in our lunch we have together he hasn't tried once to make friends with us and told me he even sat alone the first couple days. All of this doesn't really add up or make sense but I'd like to help him out somehow.

 

[ThatOneShyKid]

So, it's been a couple weeks or so since we talked on Facebook. I noticed he's been going on Facebook, but not the chat. Just NOW I realize there's a chat option that says "All friends see you except.." and I found out he put me on that list thanks to another friend who added him. I feel so angry right now because I don't even know what caused him to do this. I enjoyed talking to him and just like every other friend I've tried to make, they stop talking to me. I feel like a big failure right now..

 

[Golden Beam]

I think I could talk to someone who is shy, as long as there is a connection there. You know common interests.

 

[Roman Legion]

It took me almost 2 years to get comfortable around one guy in high school.. Now we don't talk or see eachother anymore, but he had social anxiety, whereas I am selectively mute.. He started working at a grocery store and has worked his way out of his problems.. And I was left in the dust by myself again.. ::