How should a woman deal with a shy-guy ignoring her or being withdrawn?

[Bronson99]

Okay, but for me personally--I would not put all this effort/time/concern into someone I will never meet.

If you only want friendship from him and nothing more, I would say your current means of communicating is okay, you might even be able to help him and vice versa.

But if you want a relationship, then IMO, you need to meet. This is the area where most internet deception occurs. Not saying he is deceiving you about anything, but you cannot truly know, 100%, until you meet.

Not to mention, a loving/sexual relationship *just* through the internet or phone, in my view, is not quite a relationship. Even as an introvert, this is what I believe.. I would say I can't see it any other way because that does not seem rational to me. I've "been around the block" a little bit with internet relationships, lol. I have been taught the hard way.

 

[greykitty]

we will meet soon. he's still gonna pull the disappearing acts though. that's not going to change. im pretty sure.

 

[Bronson99]

In the meantime, then, might as well have some fun, especially since you have vid-chat.

My attention perked up after hearing about the teacher's assistant at the University of Iowa. A picture of each one enjoying themselves, on Skype, side by side.. very interesting.

 

[hoddesdon]

Continue to send messages. I have done the withdrawal thing in recent times (with more than one person, and more than once with one person). I know it is a trial for her. In one case she persisted, and I really appreciate it. Now I regret it. Perhaps if you explain how you feel about the withdrawals that will prompt a response.

 

[greykitty]

I act like it doesn't bother me while he is gone. but when he comes back i would be a bit sad and he knows it. i try not to make an issue of it. when he's back it is rare. i don't like to waste my time nagging or griping about it. while we could be just enjoying the time spent instead.

 

[21NZ]

I act like it doesn't bother me while he is gone. but when he comes back i would be a bit sad and he knows it. i try not to make an issue of it. when he's back it is rare. i don't like to waste my time nagging or griping about it. while we could be just enjoying the time spent instead.

Wow you sound pretty amazing, he might keep his distance when he's in withdrawn as he thinks he might say or do something (not meaning physical or anything) that will hurt you... when your in a horrid mood its far to easy to get jealous, paranoid, angry, upset over nothing.. and say hurtful things you don't mean.. and he might just be trying to protect you?

 

[greykitty]

To tell you guys the truth, now that I know more about this condition I don't feel as bad about it. I knew that it really wasn't any bit my fault when it started occurring a few weeks into our first time messaging. Every time he withdrew it wasn't anything I did or did not do, it just happened. When he'd come back he would express the same interest in me or even more. So I trust him that he has feelings for me. I won't stop trusting that no matter how much he withdraws from me.

Thank you all for clarifying things for me. I sent him sweet messages two days in a row. I would stop now for a few days until I feel like messaging again. Even if he never comes back, I would eventually get the hint. But for now, I really have nothing to lose. Yes this is hard. Yes it would be so much easier if I gave up. Yes it would be easier to find someone new to date and someone who wouldn't withdraw. But what's the point of that. I'm fearless. The pain of his withdrawal has already happened many times over and it's just a feeling that I am getting used to at this point.

So this is what it is like to love or like someone who's AvPD huh. He's an amazing person, regardless of his condition.

 

[Bronson99]

I'm sure I have some variant of AvPd myself. A major feature of it is difficulty with criticism, I know I have that, at least.

I'm trying to think what is behind his frequent withdrawal from communication. It's a bit confusing for me even though I'm an introvert and understand that mindset.

One thing it could be is maybe you're being overbearing in some way, or putting him on the spot. You might be doing this without even being aware of it, given as you're a more social person anyway. Although it sounds like you're very careful with what you say--so I'm not sure if this is the problem.

The other possibility is he may be toying with your emotions a bit, because he likes feeling in control of things, and likes feeling wanted.

It seems like you can take the "pain" of being ignored for stretches of time. But if someone was doing that to me, I would eventually start to think they are not very interested and are just fooling around, and I would end it.

 

[greykitty]

Whatever I might be doing wrong, I cannot tell. There lies the whole issue isn't it? I really have no clue how to act or behave that is out of character and I have been extra careful. But I don't want to be with someone who I must walk on eggshells around.

I can take pain but why dish it out? But then again, I doubt he's doing this on purpose or with malicious intent. I have faith that it is something he cannot control. I don't believe he is someone who would play with my emotions. When he does check back in he has always been apologetic for hurting me and such.

It all comes down to my standards and boundaries. How much am I willing to put up with? The uncertainty of not knowing whether this person wants me gone or wants me to stay, is quite disconcerting. This is why I hate guessing games.

 

[skins]

has he responded since?

 

[greykitty]

nope. i think I give up. i can barely keep myself together and he just keeps on ignoring me for over a month. i think he even blocked me at certain places we we use to communicate on. so it's just been really hard to hold myself together and do my own thing and to thrive. i thought i was able to but this is proving to just be very hard to deal with. someone told me he might have AvPD. even if he does, what does it matter? i still feel like a truck hit me whenever i send him messages and get no response. so wait, be patient and then get crumbs? i don't know any more. maybe i'll feel differently but this is just today talking.

 

[skins]

nope. i think I give up. i can barely keep myself together and he just keeps on ignoring me for over a month. i think he even blocked me at certain places we we use to communicate on. so it's just been really hard to hold myself together and do my own thing and to thrive. i thought i was able to but this is proving to just be very hard to deal with. someone told me he might have AvPD. even if he does, what does it matter? i still feel like a truck hit me whenever i send him messages and get no response. so wait, be patient and then get crumbs? i don't know any more. maybe i'll feel differently but this is just today talking.

even if he had avpd, that wouldn't explain him completely cutting off certain avenues of communication...sure it might have been hard for him to communicate face to face or whatever but that shouldn't result in him shutting off completely for such long periods...if you want something bad enough, even with avpd, you will search for the easiest route to achieve the outcome....you would expect a favouring of one form of communication over another..but, he blocked you...Just sounds like he has gone cold on the whole idea.

 

[greykitty]

he's done this before and comes back all apologetic time and time again. He's done this to me like at least 3 times in 9 months. Gone cold. Well. I'm kinda done now..it's been a month. It sucks but I think I just gotta stick to it and not go back over and over again. It's not healthy. Sad...but it's gotta be done.

 

[Hellhound]

You have to be reaaaaaally patient with this guy. It's going to take some time until he feels like he can be fully open with you. He's probably not ignoring you, but he feels like you'd be better off without his presence.

What would I do? I'd become persistant. Some people with these characteristics need to be shown they are needed, all the time. I wouldn't back off unless he tells me to. Sounds annoying, but if he is what I think he is, he's most likely expecting persistance as proof that you need him.

 

[skins]

ok, i can't stress this enough...give up on him...like i said if he was keen but AVpd he would still leave all lines of communication open but just avoid using them...not cut them off so you cant attempt to use them either...don't waste your time with the guy.

 

[greykitty]

He's never told me to back off before. Ever. He's always told me he likes me a lot and is always very attracted to me when he is checked in. But once checked out, it's silence. That's it. So that's why it's just extremely confusing. He has never shown signs that he did not like me at all. I guess I haven't been persistent enough but being persistent and getting nothing back is like a blow to the gut every single time. I don't know how long I can take that for. The anxiety that comes from being ignored sucks. I have abandonment issues.

 

[Bronson99]

In this case you're forced into a corner, and have to give him an ultimatum. Ask whether he's going to take this seriously and cut the silent-treatment crap, or you are going to stop contacting him. If he doesn't reply to the ultimatum, you have your answer. After all this time, you just have to get to the point, IMO.

 

[greykitty]

The last time I gave him an ultimatum was months ago and he came back a few weeks late promising change and everything a girl could hope for. Then he started slipping again further and further away.

This time, I will lay low. I have my own stuff to deal with at the moment.

 

[greykitty]

To cope and survive, I'm living life as though he never existed. If I care too much and think about him all the time I would just go nuts. So in order to move on and do me, I just gotta completely detach.