(sorry for the long text, it's hopefully fast to read! )
I`ve been and still am quite socially anxious all my life..slowly getting better and getting some close friends.
I have this one friend who is generally a really good friend as we have a lot in common and we do a lot of stuff together. We also live together. She is way more sociable than me and way more talkative and often she talks at me and I don't really say much about myself. I maybe comment on what she says instead, because it seems she's more interested in sharing her thoughts rather than listening to mine. Often when I have tried to say things she isn't really listening. Although sometimes she is and there are good days when I feel like things are balanced and okay and often she does say "oh I've been talking for a while tell me if you want me to shut up" but I feel I don't want to do that cause it seems mean. And also often she will ask questions that kind of help me talk a bit more which is nice. That seems to be the most easy way for me to say things to her cause if she doesnt specifically ask questions I am afraid she will not listen or that she doesn't actually care about what I want to say. Also I guess it just puts my self confidence down when I try to say something and it takes a lot of effort out of me to open up and the other person isn't listening.
The other day we were with a group of friends getting ready to go to the park and my friend was rushing to get out of the house but just waiting for everyone else to be ready. I wanted to go somewhere else and not the park because I don't really like that park but that's what peoples' plan was. I then asked the group if they want to just go outside to be out or want to specifically go to the park. After that, if the answer would be "I just wanna go to the park" I would accept it..otherwise I would suggest something else like going for a walk along the beach etc. I didn't get to that point because after I asked the question, my rushed/stressed friend said "I don't care" (like saying I don't care about what you are saying I just want to get out of the house) in a way that was really dismissive/exhasperated and for me because of my self confidence and anxiety and because all other friends were around witnessing that, it really affected me, made me feel quite **** and unimportant. It's not the first time she answers in this way when I am trying to ask something.
I was upset for a few days thinking about it that I hate being talked to like that especially since my self confidence is so fragile and got pretty convinced that it's not a nice thing that my friend did and that I don't want this kind of friend in my life that talks to me like that. After some days of not talking to her and thinking about things I finally tried telling her what the problem was. I said that it wasn't very nice of her to do that and that she could have just said "I want to go to the park." and that would be that but that to me saying "I dont care" is dismissive and not very nice. and that it has happened before and that I am afraid it will become a pattern. Which I don't want.
Her answer was that she was sorry that I felt like that and that she can not promise that when she feels rushed/stressed she won't ever do that again. That it was because she was rushing to go out and wanting to be out of the house bla bla. Also she said that I should have told her earlier what was wrong instead of not talking to her for 3 days cause that made her feel like she did something really seriously bad. Which implied that she did not think that what she did was that bad. Then I explained that to me this was a really big deal. But yeah then I felt kind of bad for not talking to her for so long and said that next time I will try to communicate more in advance but that it takes me time to understand what is happening and to sort out my feelings etc.
Ever since then I have been feeling like I don't trust this person to be a good friend. I think she should care more about how she talks to me and think it is a bigger deal. At the same time I am aware that I am concentrating on the bad things and there are many nice things about this person, experiences where she has been a good friend etc. But I am reluctant to be friends with someone that talks to me like that. I`m not sure if this makes sense though, or if it's exagerated and like she says that it's not something that bad to be upset about.
Do my thoughts make sense?? Am I exagerating? Or should I talk to her again and make it clear again? I am afraid she will say that I shouldnt be affected by this so much and that it is just a problem with my self confidence and that it really isnt such a big deal and also I am afraid of losing her as a friend if I insist on this issue. But at the same time I really feel it affects me a lot when people treat me like this, especially because of my social anxiety, and how important it is for me to have friends that are genuine. Also if it keeps happening I guess I will stop being friends with her sooner or later. It just makes me really sad because I care a lot about my friends..
Thanks for reading!
I`ve been and still am quite socially anxious all my life..slowly getting better and getting some close friends.
I have this one friend who is generally a really good friend as we have a lot in common and we do a lot of stuff together. We also live together. She is way more sociable than me and way more talkative and often she talks at me and I don't really say much about myself. I maybe comment on what she says instead, because it seems she's more interested in sharing her thoughts rather than listening to mine. Often when I have tried to say things she isn't really listening. Although sometimes she is and there are good days when I feel like things are balanced and okay and often she does say "oh I've been talking for a while tell me if you want me to shut up" but I feel I don't want to do that cause it seems mean. And also often she will ask questions that kind of help me talk a bit more which is nice. That seems to be the most easy way for me to say things to her cause if she doesnt specifically ask questions I am afraid she will not listen or that she doesn't actually care about what I want to say. Also I guess it just puts my self confidence down when I try to say something and it takes a lot of effort out of me to open up and the other person isn't listening.
The other day we were with a group of friends getting ready to go to the park and my friend was rushing to get out of the house but just waiting for everyone else to be ready. I wanted to go somewhere else and not the park because I don't really like that park but that's what peoples' plan was. I then asked the group if they want to just go outside to be out or want to specifically go to the park. After that, if the answer would be "I just wanna go to the park" I would accept it..otherwise I would suggest something else like going for a walk along the beach etc. I didn't get to that point because after I asked the question, my rushed/stressed friend said "I don't care" (like saying I don't care about what you are saying I just want to get out of the house) in a way that was really dismissive/exhasperated and for me because of my self confidence and anxiety and because all other friends were around witnessing that, it really affected me, made me feel quite **** and unimportant. It's not the first time she answers in this way when I am trying to ask something.
I was upset for a few days thinking about it that I hate being talked to like that especially since my self confidence is so fragile and got pretty convinced that it's not a nice thing that my friend did and that I don't want this kind of friend in my life that talks to me like that. After some days of not talking to her and thinking about things I finally tried telling her what the problem was. I said that it wasn't very nice of her to do that and that she could have just said "I want to go to the park." and that would be that but that to me saying "I dont care" is dismissive and not very nice. and that it has happened before and that I am afraid it will become a pattern. Which I don't want.
Her answer was that she was sorry that I felt like that and that she can not promise that when she feels rushed/stressed she won't ever do that again. That it was because she was rushing to go out and wanting to be out of the house bla bla. Also she said that I should have told her earlier what was wrong instead of not talking to her for 3 days cause that made her feel like she did something really seriously bad. Which implied that she did not think that what she did was that bad. Then I explained that to me this was a really big deal. But yeah then I felt kind of bad for not talking to her for so long and said that next time I will try to communicate more in advance but that it takes me time to understand what is happening and to sort out my feelings etc.
Ever since then I have been feeling like I don't trust this person to be a good friend. I think she should care more about how she talks to me and think it is a bigger deal. At the same time I am aware that I am concentrating on the bad things and there are many nice things about this person, experiences where she has been a good friend etc. But I am reluctant to be friends with someone that talks to me like that. I`m not sure if this makes sense though, or if it's exagerated and like she says that it's not something that bad to be upset about.
Do my thoughts make sense?? Am I exagerating? Or should I talk to her again and make it clear again? I am afraid she will say that I shouldnt be affected by this so much and that it is just a problem with my self confidence and that it really isnt such a big deal and also I am afraid of losing her as a friend if I insist on this issue. But at the same time I really feel it affects me a lot when people treat me like this, especially because of my social anxiety, and how important it is for me to have friends that are genuine. Also if it keeps happening I guess I will stop being friends with her sooner or later. It just makes me really sad because I care a lot about my friends..
Thanks for reading!