I can't enjoy success. Can anyone relate ?

[Anonymous]

It's a little surreal for me toactually be writing this, but here's my story.

People tell me constantly that I'm a successful person. I go to a great college, play sports, have girlfriends, get good grades, belong to a popular fraternity. I'm not looking for pats on the back here. This is what people see when they look at me.

The truth of the matter is that I have trouble enjoying what other people call success.. I'm bitterly afraid of failing to uphold the image that surrounds me. I worry about the challenges that I have to face in a way that might be unhealthy. I'll dread a soccer game, for example, until the minute before it starts. Then I'll finally make the monumental effort of pushing everyone else's expectations out of my head for just long enough to relax over the course of the game. Once the game's over, I go right back to worrying. I can't celebrate with my teammates if we win. I can't just enjoy an accomplishment. I go back and anaylze every detail, wondering how it looked.

This phonomenon extends to social circumstances as well. I constantly feel like I need to push people away in order to relax. Otherwise I worry about what they think. Sometimes I can overcome the anxiety, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I feel supremely confident and relaxed, and other times I feel worried and almost feeble. During the "down" times, I know that I'm acting irrationally, but I can't stop it.

I don't know if I have social phobia or not. I've asked people about this, but they don't take it seriously coming from a person like me. Do I worry unhealthily, or is this complex just part of my personality that I need to deal with ? Anyone have any thoughts ?

 

[Anonymous]

Dude, I'm no expert but I would say the fact that you are posting here suggests that you are worrying more than you are comfortable with, that it is preventing you from being happy, and as such, it is more than simply a part of your personality that you should just deal with.

It certainly sounds like social phobia in some respects - the fear of negative evaluation by others. Also, I think many SA people tend to be perfectionists so even when things go well, they tend to focus on any little detail that went wrong and dwell on it.

Perhaps someone with more knowledge than myself will post shortly but I would suggest that if you feel it's a problem, then perhaps you should go see your doctor and run it by them.

 

[Chilling_Echo]

i agree, when your worrying gets to the point that it affects your daily life, you can a problem of some sort, whether it be SP or not. seeing a doctor wouldn't hurt.

also, chances are if people already view you as successful and great and all, you really are that person they see so don't worry so much that you might let them down, you seem to be doing a good job, and anyways, they should be there for support should you do fall short one day. if they're there behind you when you succeed, they're probably good family/friends.

one last thing, kudos to you, it also sounds like you're doing all these things for YOURSELF and not for others (correct me if i'm wrong). that's really important, so just remember what you're doing it all for and it might be easier to enjoy success when it does come your way

 

[Anonymous]

I'm the very same way. I've been very successful at everything I've done, but I have an intense fear of failure and feel as if I have failed. I think that the remedy for this is to actually experience some failure.

I've talked to friends about this issue, and one thing that I think about is that I should have "practiced" failing in my life. Get a few major screw ups under your belt. Fail a calculus exam, get dumped by a girlfriend, drop out of school for a semester, fail out of school, do some drugs, get caught making out with a girl not your SO.

I think one of the reasons I fear failure so much is because I have never experienced it and have never had to call upon my emotional reserves. We can handle shit that flies, but we don't know we can because we have never seen it.

My undergrad GPA was 3.96 in two majors (Physics and English Literature) at a very rigorous top American school. I never missed a class my entire four years there. My parents should have pulled me aside and asked: "What the FUCK is your problem?" I would have answered: "I'm insecure, I fear failure, I'm not sure I have value apart from successful achievements." Then they could have counseled me: "You have been successful -- now it's time to learn how to fail with style!"

 

[Anonymous]

Also...

1. Learn how to celebrate achievements -- round up your friends and get a beer when you get a job offer, or when you get laid for the first time, or when you get a good grade.

2. Admit your mistakes -- learn to be perfectly forthcoming and honest about ALL your faults, every last one, including this social anxiety bullshit. Self disclosure is the best remedy for social anxiety. Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide
them.

 

[Anonymous]

Also...

Accept compliments from others. I have a hard time doing this, but I'm working on it.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

On a daily basis, think about things you are thankful for. Write a list every morning. God is good to ALL of us.

 

[Anonymous]

Seems I've never been successful at anything except making mistakes... and I certainly don't enjoy making them...

 

[Anonymous]

IMO i think you'r suffering from low self esteem.-- Feeling inadequate to
uphold your 'image'; feeling inadequate to meet expectations, and to
gain others' approval.

being unable to enjoy success also means lack of self-respect which means lack of self esteem. Its quite a sure sign of low self esteem.

you can find more information on self-esteem(as i have) from Nathaniel
Branden's books:

six pillars of self esteem
honoring the self

hes brilliant, really brilliant. You must have a read.
(he writes more books than that though)
i am extremely convinced you will find your answers there.

you can uh.. thank me later

 

[felix]

yeah i get really scared that I'm going to mess up , of thats what your saying. Also i got pretty good results in my GCSEs but for some reason when i got home i cryed. Still have no idea why really.

 

[Anonymous]

oh yuk sorry didnt get past the first sentence. good luck though whatver your problem is.

 

[Fredscars]

Also, I think many SA people tend to be perfectionists so even when things go well, they tend to focus on any little detail that went wrong and dwell on it

you just described my life.


lol.

yeh, perfectionism, probably because the idea of getting somehting wrong horrifies us because people will 'look down on us' for it