For the past several weeks, tensions have been high around my place. Money is tight right now, and it's putting stress on my family. I'm taking a large majority of the ensuing anger because of the fact that I've been unemployed for the past 8 months, 6 of which I was attending classes both during the day and at night.
I've been dropping off resumes and scheduling follow ups for several weeks, and have only managed to procure a job that guarantees 9 hours per week. That is not even enough to cover the most basic expenses.
I'm also waiting for the verdict on a student loan, which I'm absolutely petrified about. If this loan is denied, then there is no feasible way that I will be able to attend school this fall. I'm not even sure what brought about the fear of being denied.
This financial situation has made me edgy. I have long suffered from anxiety and depression, but it seems that this financial stress is making it infinitely worse. I have been volatile, losing my cool at pretty much nothing.
Recently, things have been spiraling out of control around here. Violence is becoming a crutch to deal with the stress.
I had a meeting with my employer the other day which I had to attend with an unsuccessfully hidden bruise on my jaw. I tried to cover it up with foundation, but she noticed it and told me if I ever need to talk to her, her door is always open. I understand that she meant well but I was absolutely mortified. I hate the feeling of being some stupid charity case that is too dense to walk away from a bad situation.
I've been considering contacting the authorities, but there's too much risk. I would have to move, which would be extremely stressful on both my three-year-old and myself; I would have to reapply for social assistance, which is honestly more jumping through hoops than actually being assisted; and besides all that, I have contacted the authorities about this once before and it was determined that I was lying about the entire thing.
I have talked to my boyfriend about everything and he has been an inexpressible comfort, however, every time I vent to him he gets upset. It's understandable that he gets upset but it kills me, I always feel like it's my fault regardless of how many times he tells me it isn't. It's getting to the point where I catch myself about to snap at him, or I sit there and debate even answering his texts. I don't want to push him out, I really don't, but sometimes I feel like his life would be easier if I wasn't in it.
Basically I'm sinking lower every day, and I'm just waiting to crash into the bottom and lose everything, my home, my boyfriend, my son, and my mind. These days I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore, it's like staring into the eyes of a walking, breathing corpse. Some days it literally feels like the stress is tearing me apart from the inside out.
I just had to vent.
I've been dropping off resumes and scheduling follow ups for several weeks, and have only managed to procure a job that guarantees 9 hours per week. That is not even enough to cover the most basic expenses.
I'm also waiting for the verdict on a student loan, which I'm absolutely petrified about. If this loan is denied, then there is no feasible way that I will be able to attend school this fall. I'm not even sure what brought about the fear of being denied.
This financial situation has made me edgy. I have long suffered from anxiety and depression, but it seems that this financial stress is making it infinitely worse. I have been volatile, losing my cool at pretty much nothing.
Recently, things have been spiraling out of control around here. Violence is becoming a crutch to deal with the stress.
I had a meeting with my employer the other day which I had to attend with an unsuccessfully hidden bruise on my jaw. I tried to cover it up with foundation, but she noticed it and told me if I ever need to talk to her, her door is always open. I understand that she meant well but I was absolutely mortified. I hate the feeling of being some stupid charity case that is too dense to walk away from a bad situation.
I've been considering contacting the authorities, but there's too much risk. I would have to move, which would be extremely stressful on both my three-year-old and myself; I would have to reapply for social assistance, which is honestly more jumping through hoops than actually being assisted; and besides all that, I have contacted the authorities about this once before and it was determined that I was lying about the entire thing.
I have talked to my boyfriend about everything and he has been an inexpressible comfort, however, every time I vent to him he gets upset. It's understandable that he gets upset but it kills me, I always feel like it's my fault regardless of how many times he tells me it isn't. It's getting to the point where I catch myself about to snap at him, or I sit there and debate even answering his texts. I don't want to push him out, I really don't, but sometimes I feel like his life would be easier if I wasn't in it.
Basically I'm sinking lower every day, and I'm just waiting to crash into the bottom and lose everything, my home, my boyfriend, my son, and my mind. These days I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore, it's like staring into the eyes of a walking, breathing corpse. Some days it literally feels like the stress is tearing me apart from the inside out.
I just had to vent.
