Danfalc said:
sadly i dont actualy feel that love towards her, its like i use logic in place of emotion. That probaly sounds really weird to some people, and to be honest it does to me seeing it here in writing,as i dont undestand it.
OK, does this make sense? Last year I was at my brother's wedding (dreaded it for months beforehand as you might imagine). Now I know that he loves the woman he married and that they are well suited, but seeing them up there declaring their love - I just felt empty. I so wanted to feel happy for them, but all I could do was think "how could they possibly know they want to be with this person for the rest of their life?" and "I just can't imagine ever actually believing that of someone" and other unhelpful and rather selfish thoughts.
I gave them a really special present and I faked happy, but that was all I could do. Logically, I was positive about the wedding, but I couldn't make myself feel an emotion that wasn't there.
The way I understood it at the time was that I have never experienced that type of relationship, and I feel like I don't really understand it, so I can't empathise very well. When I was younger I could never understand why parents loved their children and why they seemed to get such joy from their achievements and successes. I knew that they did, but I couldn't comprehend the emotion. It was only through spending time with some much younger relatives and later my godson that it suddenly seemed to make sense.
But Danfalc, from what you say, I wonder if it also has to do with the overriding power of fear and the trying to switch off emotion to get away from that fear?
Tupac, I'm sorry I've got sidetracked on your thread. I was just wondering though - is there any chance that you have started to get that feeling of missing out because you are improving? It is just that my sense of loneliness from not having a boyfriend in some ways became worse when I started being less negative as a person. It started creeping into my consciousness that I really was missing something worth having, and not just something that would make me miserable.
Although a lot of what you describe sounds more like my experience of depression. Particularly when I was well drugged up on the pills that stopped my killing myself, but probably only becuse they sapped any motivation to do anything. That is another thing you should consider.