I feel that I have failed

[Earthcircle]

I used to believe that I would have social skills and be comfortable people someday. That day is not here yet, and when I look in the mirror I can't believe how old I look. Even if I were to acquire social skills and comfort with people tomorrow, I would still look like an old person. I feel that I've lost it. It's too late, and I've failed. This really isn't fair. I went into psychotherapy when I was 15, and never got anything out of it. Now I'm 49. What happened? I can't believe it.

 

[medlam]

I'm sorry you feel like that, I'm not sure I can say anything to help but its seems like its 'sink or swim' time. I've been sinking for a long time and only just starting to swim its not easy but I promise it's better to try then give up.

Good luck !

 

[Earthcircle]

I feel like posting this music, because it keeps running through my mind. I also feel like saying something, but maybe I shouldn't. My father, who is dead, was really a criminal. I could have had him sent to prison, but I didn't because he scared me so much. I was afraid if I tried to get him in trouble it would backfire and he would hurt me or my mother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A-4VGfx5lU

 

[Sea Bass]

Don't give up Earthcircle, things will start turning up - you just need to do a little work. I think what you need is a good dose of happiness and I think you can acquire it. Happiness can come from a lot things, but nothings beats finding meaning in life. Once you find meaning in life, everything else just seems to fall into place. It sounds like your lost and you need to find a path and I think the answer is figuring out why are you are here on this earth. I haven't figured it all out yet, but I think that some of the major contributors to the meaning of life are friends, family, work, helping others, and reflecting on how we implement our reasoning to better our lives. You should take good note of the mentioning of "reflecting on how we implement our reasoning to better our lives". You see, life is like a never ending project and it is up to us to use our faculties to find the best way to live. In order for us to live a good life we not only need people, work and altruistic endeavors to embark upon, but we also need to use our brain power to figure it all out to the best of our abilities. The problem is that our abilities to think are limited, just like pretty much all of our other skills/abilities (which is actually not a problem but more of a good thing if you actually think about it). You see we can only see so much of the grander scheme of things and we can only do so much in other aspects of life so it makes it ok to fail or come up short. You are in a rut right now and have endured your fair share of downs in the ups and downs of life, but if you start to think about things differently and see things how I see them more or less, you will find peace in the realization of that you are mortal and not a God. You should start by making yourself more comfortable in your very human skin, take a breath, and embark on the journey of life and all along the way start thinking and finding good people, work, and altruistic endeavors to do.

The ideas I have written about are tied to stuff written in the book entitled "Answers for Aristotle" by Massimo Pigliucci. I suggest you read the book.

 

[Earthcircle]

The ideas I have written about are tied to stuff written in the book entitled "Answers for Aristotle" by Massimo Pigliucci. I suggest you read the book.

Perhaps I should read it, but I'm hesitating for a reason that almost makes me want to laugh. I have a PhD in philosophy, as well as a cognitive science background. It's unlikely that Pigliucci is saying anything I don't already know. Possible, but I doubt it.

 

[Earthcircle]

Don't give up Earthcircle, things will start turning up - you just need to do a little work. I think what you need is a good dose of happiness and I think you can acquire it. Happiness can come from a lot things, but nothings beats finding meaning in life. Once you find meaning in life, everything else just seems to fall into place. It sounds like your lost and you need to find a path and I think the answer is figuring out why are you are here on this earth. I haven't figured it all out yet, but I think that some of the major contributors to the meaning of life are friends, family, work, helping others, and reflecting on how we implement our reasoning to better our lives. You should take good note of the mentioning of "reflecting on how we implement our reasoning to better our lives". You see, life is like a never ending project and it is up to us to use our faculties to find the best way to live. In order for us to live a good life we not only need people, work and altruistic endeavors to embark upon, but we also need to use our brain power to figure it all out to the best of our abilities. The problem is that our abilities to think are limited, just like pretty much all of our other skills/abilities (which is actually not a problem but more of a good thing if you actually think about it). You see we can only see so much of the grander scheme of things and we can only do so much in other aspects of life so it makes it ok to fail or come up short. You are in a rut right now and have endured your fair share of downs in the ups and downs of life, but if you start to think about things differently and see things how I see them more or less, you will find peace in the realization of that you are mortal and not a God. You should start by making yourself more comfortable in your very human skin, take a breath, and embark on the journey of life and all along the way start thinking and finding good people, work, and altruistic endeavors to do.

The ideas I have written about are tied to stuff written in the book entitled "Answers for Aristotle" by Massimo Pigliucci. I suggest you read the book.

I've actually taught classes on eudaimonia and that sort of thing. So you think I need to cultivate the classic Greek virtues? The moral virtues tend to be social, e.g. friendship, justice, magnanimity. My problem is that my social phobia has prevented me from developing these virtues.

 

[Sea Bass]

I've actually taught classes on eudaimonia and that sort of thing. So you think I need to cultivate the classic Greek virtues? The moral virtues tend to be social, e.g. friendship, justice, magnanimity. My problem is that my social phobia has prevented me from developing these virtues.

I should have included the use of reason in my previous post. Pligliucci states in his book that the use of science is a great way to live a good life. Science in a broad sense is just a simple reasoning process. What I'm trying to get at here is that maybe you can use science to aid you in getting better (i.e., using psychology).

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as a smart @$$ and I think I may have "forced fed" what I was saying earlier instead of just simply suggesting things in a nicer manner.

Maybe I misinterpreted you question completely and have totally missed the point?

idk mg:

 

[Sea Bass]

Are you looking for psychological techniques to get over your condition?

 

[bsammy]

wait, do you have social skills now and still dont feel comfortable around people or you still do not have social skills?

 

[Earthcircle]

wait, do you have social skills now and still dont feel comfortable around people or you still do not have social skills?

I'm not sure if I have them or not. I hope that doesn't sound like a strange thing to say. I'm always alone, and somewhat at a loss to know how to meet people. I feel terribly inferior. I seem to offend people very easily, which can be a little strange.

 

[Earthcircle]

Are you looking for psychological techniques to get over your condition?

I don't know. I find hypnosis impressive, but it's really just a temporary high. The effect lasts a few days at best. Of course, one can keep repeating it.

 

[CharlesN]

I'm not sure if I have them or not. I hope that doesn't sound like a strange thing to say. I'm always alone, and somewhat at a loss to know how to meet people. I feel terribly inferior. I seem to offend people very easily, which can be a little strange.

Are you offending people or just think you are? Can you give an example?

Maybe you're interpreting reactions incorrectly due to lack of practice in social situations...

I offend people regularly (on purpose - because it's fun) so I am usually clued in to when it has worked and when it didn't.

Sometimes we think the worst - when in reality their perception of the situation is not at all the negative things you think.

 

[Earthcircle]

Are you offending people or just think you are? Can you give an example?

Maybe you're interpreting reactions incorrectly due to lack of practice in social situations...

I offend people regularly (on purpose - because it's fun) so I am usually clued in to when it has worked and when it didn't.

Sometimes we think the worst - when in reality their perception of the situation is not at all the negative things you think.

People scream at me, tell me that I am disgusting, that they hate me, that I lack basic cognitive capacities, that I am the filthiest person who ever lived. People say that I am sexist and homophobic. Psychotherapists call me a liar. I don't understand any of this. I am as clean as I know how to be. I am gay. I don't lie. I find it very confusing.

 

[bsammy]

People scream at me, tell me that I am disgusting, that they hate me, that I lack basic cognitive capacities, that I am the filthiest person who ever lived. People say that I am sexist and homophobic. Psychotherapists call me a liar. I don't understand any of this. I am as clean as I know how to be. I am gay. I don't lie. I find it very confusing.

what?i find it hard to believe people scream at you and tell you these things..what kind of people are you hanging around?

how do you not know if you dont have good social skills?having god social skills means you can carry conversations with ease, people generally like talking to you..if your socials kills suck, conversations will generally be awkward and the person talking to you will feel strange and want to get out of the situation asap..

 

[Earthcircle]

I wish it were true that they don't scream at me. It's not good for my nervous system. Yes, I do make people uncomfortable, and they want to get away.

 

[Earthcircle]

And when I was 21, in 1986, my therapist at that time told me that I lack the full range of human emotions, that my emotional life is shallow. I was stunned to hear this. 28 years have gone by, and it still stuns me. I don't understand how anyone could say that about me. Why do I make such a strange impression? At first, I believed what she said and struggled to have more extreme emotional reactions. The result was that I began to have panic attacks, which dogged me for many months. When they finally went away, I think I was pretty much the same as I was before and as I am now.

 

[Whoopdeedoo]

Im 46 and feeling like i failed too. I look older than i am .Comparatively @ least i think so.
But whatchya gonna do. It is what it is .
Ive always had social anxiety and @ 31 depression
took hold of me. Negative relationships ,due to poor options ,married with poor decisions and a little desparation and now i have PTSD with spells of agoraphobia. Ive been on disability since late 2008 after a breakdown and now all i have is time and no one to share it with that i trust or that interests me all that much.
My only consolation is that i did the best i could with the cards that i was dealt and in my heart i know that i am a good person. Angry , sad and bitter yes but those feelings were brought forth from bad circumstances. I dont feel that i did anything wrong nor that i brought this onto myself in any way. Its just a nature/ nurture thing and thats just luck of the draw. We cant control genetics and we cant pick our family .
Im slowly getting over blaming others too.
Everyone is just doing their best even if their behavior seems nasty its just the way in which
Theyve learned to survive. I dont know if what ive said helps you out but i sure hope it does.
Im trying to look at what i did right. And give myself a break and a little credit.
There is actually worse things i could be than mentally ill because mental illness is an affliction not a choice.

 

[Earthcircle]

Im 46 and feeling like i failed too. I look older than i am .Comparatively @ least i think so.
But whatchya gonna do. It is what it is .
Ive always had social anxiety and @ 31 depression
took hold of me. Negative relationships ,due to poor options ,married with poor decisions and a little desparation and now i have PTSD with spells of agoraphobia. Ive been on disability since late 2008 after a breakdown and now all i have is time and no one to share it with that i trust or that interests me all that much.
My only consolation is that i did the best i could with the cards that i was dealt and in my heart i know that i am a good person. Angry , sad and bitter yes but those feelings were brought forth from bad circumstances. I dont feel that i did anything wrong nor that i brought this onto myself in any way. Its just a nature/ nurture thing and thats just luck of the draw. We cant control genetics and we cant pick our family .
Im slowly getting over blaming others too.
Everyone is just doing their best even if their behavior seems nasty its just the way in which
Theyve learned to survive. I dont know if what ive said helps you out but i sure hope it does.
Im trying to look at what i did right. And give myself a break and a little credit.
There is actually worse things i could be than mentally ill because mental illness is an affliction not a choice.

Yeah, I guess that is sort of how I feel. I wonder how one distinguishes this from the normal midlife crisis. I, and perhaps you as well, have always been pretty miserable, so how does one distinguish the normal misery of existence from this other thing, the crisis at midlife?

 

[Earthcircle]

When I was young, I was told I have flat affect. I guess I still do. How does one tell whether one has flat affect or not? Does one have to see a mental health professional? I think that many of my difficulties involve my lack of facial expression or facial expressions that come across as inappropriate and which don't reflect my actual attitude toward the other person, e.g. seeming to glare or give a dirty look when I actually like the other person. (Maybe this should be a new thread.)

 

[theslowesthand]

Sure have failed in life, no questions about that. Early 40s. No job or career (nor in future as been on disability for >10 years). Never had a relationship or love of any sort. Never had proper friends or social life. Got bullied/picked-on whole life. Low self-esteem. Spent most of life in total isolation. Never been able to connect, trust, engage, or love people. As well as many other issues/disorders, several major ones.
And it seems like i'm in a slowly sinking ship, with no way to stop it going down, but for now i'm somehow managing to keep-on-keeping-on, often with nothing else but my will to live, fear of upsetting others, and OCD need to "complete" things (ie to "tie up lose ends", complete &/or "pass the torch" for most of my many projects, that is, to leave my legacy).

But there's always 2 sides to the coin, negatives as well as positives with almost everything in life. What keeps me going/alive in spite of the unbelievable amount, difficulty, & complexity of issues i have, i'm not sure, but every day i keep trying & trying & trying to work on things, esp my inner thoughts & beliefs. I mean, what else can one do, except just keep slogging on, keep chipping away at problems, keep hoping, keep waiting......
I find one of the positives of being being a "raw deal" with life, is that it makes you "prime territory" for personal growth, as suffering is one of the greatest intigators of personal growth. And i'm trying to view my life's direction as being "part of god's master plan". These sorts of things help to lessen the futility/hopelessness/etc of it all i have found. And i've been trying to learn various religious/spirituality/metaphysical stuff (due to having all the spare time), as well as thinking about stuff a lot, esp when depressed & bed-ridden. One recent development is that (due to having ~suicidal depression almost constantly for last few months) i am quickly losing my fear of death; i have learnt new philosophies about it, as well as wishing i were dead most days (recently), and even thinking more about specific methods (you know, theoretically-wise or "worst-case scenario", as such ideas provide an "escape route" - or knowledge that "this too will all pass").

So yeah, i have failed abysmally (imho). What i base that rating on generally, is the fact that i am constantly miserable/unhappy/etc, poor quality of life, almost zero prospects/hope for future in almost all areas of life.
But as i said, i am trying my best to survive, learn, grow, and get better.