I feel that I have failed

[Graeme1988]

Sure have failed in life, no questions about that. Early 40s. No job or career (nor in future as been on disability for >10 years). Never had a relationship or love of any sort. Never had proper friends or social life. Got bullied/picked-on whole life. Low self-esteem. Spent most of life in total isolation. Never been able to connect, trust, engage, or love people. As well as many other issues/disorders, several major ones.
And it seems like i'm in a slowly sinking ship, with no way to stop it going down, but for now i'm somehow managing to keep-on-keeping-on, often with nothing else but my will to live, fear of upsetting others, and OCD need to "complete" things (ie to "tie up lose ends", complete &/or "pass the torch" for most of my many projects, that is, to leave my legacy).

But there's always 2 sides to the coin, negatives as well as positives with almost everything in life. What keeps me going/alive in spite of the unbelievable amount, difficulty, & complexity of issues i have, i'm not sure, but every day i keep trying & trying & trying to work on things, esp my inner thoughts & beliefs. I mean, what else can one do, except just keep slogging on, keep chipping away at problems, keep hoping, keep waiting......
I find one of the positives of being being a "raw deal" with life, is that it makes you "prime territory" for personal growth, as suffering is one of the greatest intigators of personal growth. And i'm trying to view my life's direction as being "part of god's master plan". These sorts of things help to lessen the futility/hopelessness/etc of it all i have found. And i've been trying to learn various religious/spirituality/metaphysical stuff (due to having all the spare time), as well as thinking about stuff a lot, esp when depressed & bed-ridden. One recent development is that (due to having ~suicidal depression almost constantly for last few months) i am quickly losing my fear of death; i have learnt new philosophies about it, as well as wishing i were dead most days (recently), and even thinking more about specific methods (you know, theoretically-wise or "worst-case scenario", as such ideas provide an "escape route" - or knowledge that "this too will all pass").

So yeah, i have failed abysmally (imho). What i base that rating on generally, is the fact that i am constantly miserable/unhappy/etc, poor quality of life, almost zero prospects/hope for future in almost all areas of life.
But as i said, i am trying my best to survive, learn, grow, and get better.

^ Aye, ah can relate there, slowesthand. As depressing as that might be.

 

[Feathers]

Perhaps I should read it, but I'm hesitating for a reason that almost makes me want to laugh. I have a PhD in philosophy, as well as a cognitive science background. It's unlikely that Pigliucci is saying anything I don't already know. Possible, but I doubt it.

WOW! You have a PhD & have taught classes!

For that reason, my friend, you have not failed!

Maybe you're not as far as you'd like to be in some respects, but you are farther than many people in others!

If your dad was really a criminal this can leave a lasting impact on someone. Have you considered joining a support group for family members of criminals/people in prison or similar? (In some countries there exist such groups, I hear!)

I too feel sometimes/in some cases like I have failed. Smartest kid, lots of promise - now nearing 40 and where's all that promise? I look older now too (though people still think me younger than I am), kids look at me respectfully and say 'good day, Mam' or such, instead of just 'hi'. So I can just say I understand the woe and hope things get better!

In what situations do people actually scream at you - at night in front of bars (drunk people) or students or...? It's really hard to imagine. If it's drunk people I wouldn't think too much of it, booze can do strange things to a person!!

 

[Earthcircle]

WOW! You have a PhD & have taught classes!

If your dad was really a criminal this can leave a lasting impact on someone. Have you considered joining a support group for family members of criminals/people in prison or similar? (In some countries there exist such groups, I hear!)

Not sure how appropriate it would be. He was never punished, because I was too much of a coward to turn him in. So I blame myself for his criminality, to an extent. I believe he could have gone to prison for a really long time.

In what situations do people actually scream at you - at night in front of bars (drunk people) or students or...? It's really hard to imagine. If it's drunk people I wouldn't think too much of it, booze can do strange things to a person!!

A highly regarded professor of psychology (not my field) screamed at me for what seemed like petty reasons. She also wildly varied the pitch of her voice, sometimes speaking very high and then sometimes speaking very low. She also offered her professional opinion as to how severely mentally ill I am.

 

[Feathers]

Not sure how appropriate it would be. He was never punished, because I was too much of a coward to turn him in. So I blame myself for his criminality, to an extent. I believe he could have gone to prison for a really long time.

Well, I think it could be helpful for you. Many victims or bullied people blame themselves, maybe it would be helpful to see it in others too? How can you blame yourself?? You were just a kid!! A parent should know better!!
You could at least look if there's something like this where you live or online?

A highly regarded professor of psychology (not my field) screamed at me for what seemed like petty reasons. She also wildly varied the pitch of her voice, sometimes speaking very high and then sometimes speaking very low. She also offered her professional opinion as to how severely mentally ill I am.

A friend says psychologists and psychiatrists are all crazy (with few good exceptions). Maybe you need to put things into perspective?
What exactly did you say/do to her to provoke such a response?
Was this an overworked colleague at University perhaps? Going through her own personal struggles? Things to consider...
Sometimes there can be misunderstandings too...

 

[Earthcircle]

Well, I think it could be helpful for you. Many victims or bullied people blame themselves, maybe it would be helpful to see it in others too? How can you blame yourself?? You were just a kid!! A parent should know better!!
You could at least look if there's something like this where you live or online?


A friend says psychologists and psychiatrists are all crazy (with few good exceptions). Maybe you need to put things into perspective?
What exactly did you say/do to her to provoke such a response?
Was this an overworked colleague at University perhaps? Going through her own personal struggles? Things to consider...
Sometimes there can be misunderstandings too...

Thank you for your concern, but I need to excuse myself from discussing these things further. Too upsetting. Sorry.

 

[Feathers]

Thank you for your concern, but I need to excuse myself from discussing these things further. Too upsetting. Sorry.

Okay, so sorry for asking and upsetting you. Didn't know it was too painful still. Hope things get better for you!!
If you ever wish to talk, feel free to PM or message me... I truly think you are a great person who has been through a lot.

I'll just add that my dad has been volatile too, and I learnt to show zero or little emotion - it was a survival tactic.

 

[Sea Bass]

I don't know. I find hypnosis impressive, but it's really just a temporary high. The effect lasts a few days at best. Of course, one can keep repeating it.

Earthcircle you posted this reply to one of my replies on this thread that asked if you were seeking psychological techniques to improve your current condition... I was reading some wikihow articles today and came across one that suggested listening to upbeat music daily to boost mood. I think this is a great idea because it's what I do everyday and it works for me. I have not been aware of what I've been doing until only recently after reading the article and I think my personal experience can provide some backing to this idea of listening to upbeat music for this purpose. What I do everyday is listen to some really upbeat songs in the morning and really "get into it" in a manner of speaking - it's almost like being in a trance for little while like I've been self hypnotized. I listen to some really hard electronic dance music, dance, move around, block out almost everything that's going on around me and sweat - it's little welcomed rush I get every morning. From my experience I can say that doing this gives you a temporary high (usually lasts for the day) just like regular hypnoses like you said. This could be a good alternative to you doing hypnosis.

 

[Earthcircle]

I love depressing music, as bizarre as that may sound. In fact, I love really introspective otherworldly music. I love this, for example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgm1Pp_l9Y

I'm not sure if it helps or hurts or does neither. Or a little of both. Not sure. In fact, I'm not even sure if this particular piece is depressing. In a way, it's euphoric. But so deep that it would be odd to call it "happy."

 

[Earthcircle]

I may be having a midlife crisis. But when you've been dysthymic your whole life, the question of what it means to have a midlife crisis becomes subtle.

 

[Sea Bass]

idk, maybe you might like this song: Above & Beyond pres. OceanLab - Lonely Girl - YouTube