JWH said:
Well I apologise for the abrupt comments above, but labels bother me. So how were you treated during school? Can you mention some of the incidents that most affected your SP?
well school life kinda sucked for me from age 8 1/2 when I moved towns and went to a new school, right through until I left at age 16 (even though I was getting A+ grades because I couldnt handle it)
examples of the kinda things that effected my self esteem and socialphobia are the following...
1: Physical punching. For those 8 years of my life I had permanent bruises on my upper arms and body. They only went away during the summer holidays the rest of the time they were always there from being punched on average 20 times a day.
2. Having things thrown at me in front of a group of my peers. I was at a combined gender school and some of my worse memories are from when I was around 15 years old... with a large group of my peers around me, both boys and girls. The girls laughing as the guys threw apples at me, held me down and forced a steaming hot mince pie over my face till it burned me, throwing chairs at me etc.
3. Name Calling/Verbal Abuse. Yes I know that sounds tame but if you hear "Your a fucking loser" a million times and never hear ANYONE say otherwise then it kinda gets stuck inside you before you realise it.
4. Having a metal compass stabbed through my hand.
5. Spending ages on a model diarama for a social studies project and having it trashed/parts stolen.
6. Having soda poured over me in front of my peers.
7. Have guys hold me down so girls could kick me between my legs.
8. Riding home on my bike and being pushed into incoming traffic. Riding home on bikeand having brick thrown at me from passing car of fellow students, brick hitting my head (lucky I was wearing a helmet) knocking me off bike.
9. Having a "gang" of about 20 of my school peers blockade my driveway for hours at a time. Heckling abuse at anyone who came to my place (parents, parents friends etc) I just remember hiding under my bed for hours hearing them yelling and throwing stuff until the police sirens scared them away.
10. Being invited into a group of guys to play rugby in school break. Being so excited thinking that I was invited out to play!!! Then having my hopes shattered when I realised whenever I got the ball BOTH teams would tackle me. Then decided to pass ball everytime I got it so they decided just to hold me down and take turns punching me.
11. Having my nice new BMX bike trashed in the school yard.
12. One particular account when I was being beaten up inside the classroom while the teacher was out and on this particular occasion I had enough and started crying. always regretted it and after that moment only ever cried in my bed.
13. Being ambushed outside the school gates and then couldnt get home because they had blocked the road and kept beating me up so all bloodied and bruised I had to bike back to school. The principal had to give me a ride home in his car, I felt so humiliated.
14. Being urinated on.
15. Having my pants pulled down in front of a group of peers.
16. Sexually disturbing accusations in front of my peers on a regular basis.
17. Being in a life skills class where the class was watching a video on bullying and how victims sometimes commit suicide. The class started laughing during the video, when the teacher asked why they said how the victim was a loser just like I was and how I too should kill myself.
18. Attempting suicide at age 15 and being blackmailed by someone at school who found out about it.
19. Wedgies.. a particulary embarrasing maneouvre involving a larger person grabbing my pants from the behind and lifting me off the ground by them then dumping me. Sometimes my shorts ripped in half due to this treatment. Very funny in cartoons or movies but damn humiliating when it happens to you with a dozen or so people laughing at you.
20. Being threatened with a knife at school
21. Having a group of guys bring BB Guns (firearms that shoot plastic pellets) to school and shooting me in the head with them.
22. Being snobbed... nearly every effort I made during my school years to make friends was returned with cold stares, laughter, harsh words or a hard fist.
23. Being slapped by girls who I would refuse to hit back. When walked away having the guys in the group follow me and give me a hiding to the girls amusement.
24. Having guys from school break into my backyard to throw sticks and stones at me(yeah I know, its very cliche right but I didnt break any bones so that was good)
25. Being harrassed in public places eg: shops was particulary embarrassing, especially when round my parents.
26. Being kicked in the legs with steel capped boots.
27. Being threatened with public anal penetration.
28. Receiving death threats
29. Having every girl that I ever fancied reject me and laugh about it.
30. Having social groups "accept" me under false pretences, only being my friend for a prank or dare. Man I was so bloody gullible, I shuldve realised something was wrong when sumone said "hey would you like to hang out with us" what kind of sick person would ask that of me?
well thats the events that spring to mind. I had put most of this behind me until this year when my detoriarting socialphobia and depression started getting too much. After talking with a counsellor early this year I was made aware of how much my school days had effected me so thats why Ive been thinking of it a lot more. At the time it was horrible but I thought it would end when I left school, but it is now that I find out that the effects from with have landed me with poor self esteem, bad thought patterns, a social disability that is at times crippling (I think shaking so bad that I have to stay in bed at times cause I dont wanna be seen in public is rather crippling)
since I left school I have had a few friends at a time but usually in other cities from me. on the whole have been very very lonely and honestly just find it impossible to make friends. let alone finding myself a great girl to spend the rest of my life with (I dont think Im wrong for wanting that, I think that Im just like anyone else my age, 22, just more frustrated about it than a lot of other people are)
to answer your other questions JWH
what would make me happy?
A wonderful girl that I can laugh with, share life with and be romantic with. Im one of those guys that would love a "cute" relationship. I dont want no one night stand, although I guess it might do my self esteem sum good... (oneguy once told me I shuld get a prostitute cause it was unhealthy for a guy my age to not have any "experience"
Also I would be happiest if I got to do work that challenged and excited me, have a succesfull career.
And I would LOVE to be part of a fun crazy social group of people (both sexes) that would accept me for who I am and provide me with social invitations, company etc. I really just wanna get out and have fun, but I sumtimes find that difficult when Im so alone.
Family? Yes I have family. They are supportive as they can be but I dont share too much of my feelings with them. I dont wont to worry them. I feel that by letting them know how lonely and patheticly sad I feel that it will just upset them and they have no idea how to help me so it reallydoesnt acheive anything. I try to put on a brave face for them most the time.
No, I dont keep in contact with anyone from school with the exception of one boy who was also bullied. He is 24 and still lives with his Mother but in a different city than me. We keep in touch via email. We never talk about school though and other than him I have avoided all contact with any link to my highschool days (Im kinda lucky cause I now live in a different city)
wat triggers the memories? when I see jerks on the street, wearing their "cool" clothes and swearing and laughing thinking they are all that and more. With adoring girls on both arms and a loaded pistol between their legs. Those car racing cool dudes with their beer in their kegs. occasionly I get heckled on the street by such people (anyone who is in town by themselves is a likely target for heckling by testosturone charged males with female company) I know its not just me that gets that but when it happens it sets off an instant panic attack. Even though that happens infrequently I find myself fearing going into town, or on public roads or the beach. I always have this gut feeling thatI dont belong, that people are laughing at me, that Im a loser, that I should get out of the eyes of my peers.
other things that set off the memories can be just things like when Im very lonely and my mind wanders. when Im down and depressed I sometimes remember why I am who I am. other times can be if I find myself in a semi social situation (eg small talk with a person at a shop counter) during the attempt at a conversation I sometimes get flash backs of people laughing at me, telling me to fuck off etc.
There I think that answers all your questions, sorry if my initial post offended you in any way, I was just in a really bad mood when I wrote it. Very frustrated and lonely. I know what your going to say "Get over it, everyone gets bullied" but the fact of the matter is that I have ZERO confidence in myself when in social situations, that I have bugger all in the way of social skills that most people learnt in their teens while I was a loner and to be honest, I dont think things change that much. I think even when your 22 there are still a hell of a lot of jerks out there. sure they might not punch people up as much but they are still the same jerks on the inside and still delight in mocking others in their own ways.
I wonder if those Jerks have some kind of radar device, cause in every social situation I find myself in (which isnt very many) I seem to appear as a blip on their raider screen and am shot out of the sky before I get a chance to make contact with other people. I dont even know how to use the bloody wireless to make a mayday call anyway. Just bang bang bang, Ive been shot down again into a fireball.
Sorry for this hideously long post
