Warlock
Well-known member
I haven't done anything outside of school related activities, school, or eating with my family (which I have avoided some times because I was afraid my dad would embarass me) since last summer, and last summer I only did one thing the entire summer which was have a friend come over one night because he was bored.
During the summer I started reading about personality disorders and I thought I might have schizoid personality disorder or avpd. The more I read the more I realized I didn't have schizoid personality disorder (its not that common anyway), and the more I read the more I thought I have avpd. It had been so long since I had been around people that the symptoms didn't appear as much and it was difficult to tell, but now that I've been around people I can see the avoidant.
They don't diagnose personality disorders until 16, 17, or usually 18 (which would mean I have to wait, but I would have waited anyway).
I don't have a support network, but I'm trying to build one up, but its difficult because I always withhold information from people and it makes me silent in person. Its also difficult because (I just realized this) that I think people reject me even when they don't, and now I just assume people don't want me around them. I think I'm ugly (sometimes), unintelligent (sometimes), and I know I'm socially inferior.
I overreact to small criticisms, sometimes I get really angry, but most of the time I don't show it or I without thinking start trying to justify whatever stupid thing they just criticized me of, even if they were just teasing or joking. I forget that they were just joking because I'm so sensitive to it.
Even before I came to this site or knew what social phobia or any of the disorders were, I viewed my life as a series of rejections. I have found so many memorys from when I was little of the other kids rejecting me. My parents rejected me, always treating me like an immature kid who can't think and then they would have me sit at a different table than them at resturaunts. They never wanted to do anything with me. My dad never talked to me unless he was giving me work or talking down to me (and hes still like that, especially if I express my opinion on anything). Hes convinced that hes so damn right but hes really ignorant. My mom left me at daycare all the time, where the other kids excluded me because they didn't like me. Kids in my neighbhorhood excluded me, then they would do mean things to me like put tar in my shoes or steal/break my stuff. There are so many times I got rejected or excluded in my life that I could write probably nonstop about them. In elementary school I had the memory of a college student (or the tests say so anyway).
I've always been extremely sensitive, and could be made to cry easy even in 8th grade. It doesn't happen anymore because I've become completely withdrawn, and I hate my personality. Whenever I open up people think I'm crazy and get annoyed by me.
I'm so angry. I'm so messed up now. I can't talk in person or on the phone. People used to pick on me, but not anymore. I hate seeing other people getting picked on.
My brain keeps forcing me into fantasy. I can't control it. It is happening as I write this. I spend almost all day (perhaps 99% of the time I'm awake, even while I'm doing something else) focused on a bunch of different random fantasys, like dreams (daydreaming).
This sucks so much and I can see that alot of what I think isn't true but when it comes to being around people if one thought gets trigged then a whole string of thoughts gets triggered and I can't focus or do whatever it is I am doing because I'm too busy with those thoughts and thinking about suicide.
To finish this I'll say that I hate how little information there is on personality disorders. About a quarter of the population has one, so we should know more about them.
If I posted this on any other site people would tell me to go kill myself. If thats your reply then I don't care that you read this and don't respond.
It wont get much attention anyway just because of its location.
During the summer I started reading about personality disorders and I thought I might have schizoid personality disorder or avpd. The more I read the more I realized I didn't have schizoid personality disorder (its not that common anyway), and the more I read the more I thought I have avpd. It had been so long since I had been around people that the symptoms didn't appear as much and it was difficult to tell, but now that I've been around people I can see the avoidant.
They don't diagnose personality disorders until 16, 17, or usually 18 (which would mean I have to wait, but I would have waited anyway).
I don't have a support network, but I'm trying to build one up, but its difficult because I always withhold information from people and it makes me silent in person. Its also difficult because (I just realized this) that I think people reject me even when they don't, and now I just assume people don't want me around them. I think I'm ugly (sometimes), unintelligent (sometimes), and I know I'm socially inferior.
I overreact to small criticisms, sometimes I get really angry, but most of the time I don't show it or I without thinking start trying to justify whatever stupid thing they just criticized me of, even if they were just teasing or joking. I forget that they were just joking because I'm so sensitive to it.
Even before I came to this site or knew what social phobia or any of the disorders were, I viewed my life as a series of rejections. I have found so many memorys from when I was little of the other kids rejecting me. My parents rejected me, always treating me like an immature kid who can't think and then they would have me sit at a different table than them at resturaunts. They never wanted to do anything with me. My dad never talked to me unless he was giving me work or talking down to me (and hes still like that, especially if I express my opinion on anything). Hes convinced that hes so damn right but hes really ignorant. My mom left me at daycare all the time, where the other kids excluded me because they didn't like me. Kids in my neighbhorhood excluded me, then they would do mean things to me like put tar in my shoes or steal/break my stuff. There are so many times I got rejected or excluded in my life that I could write probably nonstop about them. In elementary school I had the memory of a college student (or the tests say so anyway).
I've always been extremely sensitive, and could be made to cry easy even in 8th grade. It doesn't happen anymore because I've become completely withdrawn, and I hate my personality. Whenever I open up people think I'm crazy and get annoyed by me.
I'm so angry. I'm so messed up now. I can't talk in person or on the phone. People used to pick on me, but not anymore. I hate seeing other people getting picked on.
My brain keeps forcing me into fantasy. I can't control it. It is happening as I write this. I spend almost all day (perhaps 99% of the time I'm awake, even while I'm doing something else) focused on a bunch of different random fantasys, like dreams (daydreaming).
This sucks so much and I can see that alot of what I think isn't true but when it comes to being around people if one thought gets trigged then a whole string of thoughts gets triggered and I can't focus or do whatever it is I am doing because I'm too busy with those thoughts and thinking about suicide.
To finish this I'll say that I hate how little information there is on personality disorders. About a quarter of the population has one, so we should know more about them.
If I posted this on any other site people would tell me to go kill myself. If thats your reply then I don't care that you read this and don't respond.
It wont get much attention anyway just because of its location.