babaloo112
New member
I have had this disease since my memory serves me. It started out with a fear of rap music when I was six in the late 80's. Then it was my parents or sisters dying in a car accident or getting lost in the woods. I could picture them so fucked up, even as a little boy. I even thought that when I killed a mosquito the blood inside might contain HIV. This is when i started standing on cracks, counting, and organizing to prevent these things from happening. I got older and things got worse. When I was in junior high I was convinced that when I baby sat my sisters I was going to stab them in their sleep. It was almost as if everyday I was struggling to keep myself from doing it, it made me so sick. So I performed more rituals. As i got older I became self conscious about the rituals so the OCD became a thing exclusively inside my mind. I have concurred many of my fears over the years, no longer worrying about my mother of father or sisters, but now I have a girlfriend whom I love and which I am going to live with. Im constantly having terrible thoughts that I am going to mutilate her and do other horrible things to her. It makes me so sick and guilty, I cannot describe. Its like I feel like i come 1/100 of a second from acting on an impulse yet never do, and it leaves me feeling sick and I hate myself. I have talked to her and my parents and again am actively seeking help and this alone makes me feel so much better. Any support would be great, or related experiences?
CB
CB