In love with love-shy guy

[coyote]

So you've tried these moves on other guys?

no, that's what works on me

 

[Sial Axetder]

What's love?
__________________

 

[doubtmyself]

no, that's what works on me

So you've been seduced several times by women?
Lucky guy!

 

[LoveFool]

wow, slightly off topic, english is not your mother tongue?.

I honestly would not have known had you not said anything, not goofing either, i really mean it .

Thanks

This is where I don't understand gender roles in dating at all. You want to kiss him, but "gender roles" tell you that you must make him make the first move so the guy has all this pressure on him to do something that risks rejection.

If you want to kiss him that bad, and I say this to all women who refuse to make the first move, then why don't you try to kiss him. If that's too much then ask him to kiss you in some kind of way. I that's too much, then move in really close to him and put your face severely close to his and make it blatantly obvious that you want him to kiss you.

I don't get it because women have those 3 different options I just mentioned, yet instead they risk ending the entire relationship where they like a guy just because of gender roles. Dating shouldn't be some guessing game that the man always loses at if he doesn't have the courage to make the first move. We aren't mind readers.

You'll have to excuse me if I sound angry because I'm going through this exact situation right now, and it looks like this woman rejected me because of this exact situation. I'm still having to guess what she wants because she hasn't even told me what she's thinking. Dating shouldn't be this guessing game with intimacy. It should be open and you should be able to tell your partner what you want.

I understand your anger. Sometimes I'm angry too. It has nothing to do with gender roles. How do I know if he wants me to kiss him? How do I know if he even likes me that way ? We're not dating, we're just hanging out as friends. You know, women also have their insecurities, expecialy shy ones. We're also not mind readers. So what are we going to do about it?

This guy sounds like he defines social phobia. I would say you need to make the first move, and completely validate him as a human being. If you make it clear that you like him, then pay attention to how he responds. It may not be in a way that people would normally show interest, but dont let that deter you. If you really want to make it happen, then you need to make clear that you are interested and also take the initiative, because you know he isn't going to. Don't take it too fast, but also don't go too slow to the point that nothing ever happens. Be assertive towards him but not aggressive. But at some point make it clear that you like him and that he has the option of dating you... be clear.

I think I can do that

I have a feeling I have love-shyness, too. I can say from my own experience that you will be the one who will have to make the first, and sometimes second and third and fourth, moves.

I can't really suggest anything that hasn't been said already so hopefully it works out.

Thanks anyway

 

[LoveFool]

I agree with what has already been said, he's most likely unsure and is waiting on you to make the first move!

I'm pretty much in the same situation, except I'm the shy-guy and it ended with her losing interest waiting on me to make all the moves, by the time I did it was too late.

So don't make that mistake!

As the most patient woman in the world I'm not giving up I think if you feelings are really deep you're not giving up that easily.

What's love?

I often ask myself that question

 

[sai]

i am love-shy myself my suggestion is simple u make the first move becos if i were him i know how embrsing and akwrd that moment would be... so belive me say him that u understand him and u love him how ever he is and dont mind his feelings just kiss him at the end.......
dont forget the kiss.... (watch amelie movie(french) for further assistance)
(i am happy to see that there are few women left around who really have a little commonsense of understanding people like us)...

 

[Conspiracy]

Well, in the end he is a man afterall. And like every other man, he is operating on instinct, which is, to mate, and to reproduce. And you're the lucky mate! You could wait it out, let the affection build up. Like a balloon, you blow it up and keep blowing until it eventually pops. That "pop" can be initiated by either of you. So let's just wait and see who takes the first step eh? But if you really wanna step over that ledge soon, then the best thing to do would be to indirectly tell him. Can't help you with that tho, there are a million things you could do! And it also depends on the situation, so it's all up to you. GL.

 

[THeCARS1979]

Hi guys! I've been reading your forum for a while now and finaly decided to register and ask for your opinion on my situation
Here it goes. I've known a man for 5-6 years. We share some mutual friends and that's how we met. I was in a relationship with someone then, but I broke it off 4 years ago. Since then we sometimes hang out, but always with many people around. I've always kind of liked him, but then liking turned into something more during last 2 years.
He is friendly around people he knows and a bit cold with strangers. He's 30 years old and as far as I know he never had a girlfriend. He talks to women at his workplace and is not shy in a classic way. He just never had a relationship and claims is not interested in having one. Our mutual male friend claims that he isn't asexual either, because he caught him staring at women in "that" way. He has a protective shield around him, but I can see through his shield that he is gentle and somehow hurt inside. I am a bit shy myself so I'm not a kind of woman who would be pushy or coming on too strong. I just talk to him in a friendly manner and actually try not to show my true feelings, because I have a feeling that it would scare him away and I don't want to lose him. Occasionally I tried to touch him in a casual way on the upper arm as I talked to him and he flinched. I think he is love-shy.
Then things changed. I was throwing a new year's party and my friend said it would be a good idea to invite him. I never thought that he would come, but he did. We all talked a lot and listend to music. We actually only talked to each other 1on1 for only a few minutes. Then at the party he said he wants me to make something for him. I make some kind of art and he ordered something from me. I said Ok.
Then a couple of days later he sent me an email with some of his ideas and wrote that he would like to see me to arrange things. To cut a long story short we met 4-5 times since then 1on1 and talked a lot. I opened up to him a quite a bit. He is still very closed, but not so distant as he was before. He always tries to find solution to my problems and tells me that I'm special and how easy it is to talk to me. I know for fact that there is no other woman in his life with whom he meets one on one and chats like this. I asked him how come he doesn't have a girlfriend and he said something like he has no time for girlfriends. He also said that he has nothing to talk about with them..We also had a few of those awkward moments of silence when we just stared into each others eyes. He also doesn't flinch anymore when I touch him. I am very confused what does it all mean. I really like him as a human being and as a man. I'm too shy to show or say how I really feel and still have the feeling that it would scare him away so I don't do anything. Most of the time I send him an email. He responds quickly and most of the time he suggests that we meet. He comes to my place then we drink and talk. There is always some kind of tension in the air, but none of us says anything. Like there is an elephant in the room and we pretend he's not there. Last time we met he was acting kind of strange and was nervous. Then he asked me in an indirect way if I'm seeing our mutual friend which I'm not. Still he said nothing about "the elephant". I am not sure what to do about this situation, but it's driving me insane. I'm not getting any younger If he's love-shy would it scare him away if I say something first? Should I wait some more?
I would appreciate your angle on things. Thank you very much

Hey I know how he can be because I am the sameway and i deal with the same sh*t. I'm in my 30s too. I don't want to tell you my age on this post. I almost gave up a few times already. I talk to women and all with a shield too. I believe they can tell as well cause well I clam up a little. I don't know what to say. I used to have sweating hands and palpitations until i went for neurofeedback and change of diet. I haven't really had a relationship either. I had 2 that didn't really count well, cause I no attraction to them. This guy, he thinks he may get hurt so he ll get nervous and try to protect himself from maybe getting ridiculed. If your gonna try to break the ice go slow , Try to ask him one question at a time. And if your going to tell him, tell him your shy also so you kind of break the ice. He is really self conscious over that no relationship thing. So he ll make up a line saying he has no time, which he does. Believe me I know exactly how he feels. I feel like people don't understand me either. I have this person inside dying to come out and I don't know how to do it cause I'm afraid of failure or getting hurt. Write me back