Initiating conversations and neediness

[this_portrait]

This is something that I've always had a problem with. I struggled with it when I first started dating, it put a damper on my last relationship, and now that I'm trying to get back into dating, it's popping up again.

I've been trying to talk to various guys on this site I'm on, and I managed to get the phone numbers of two of them. The first one, who I'm more interested in, I contacted him first and we've been talking via messages for much longer. I started texting him last night. The other one, who I'm less interested in (but I'm trying to not put all my eggs in one basket), contacted me first and we've communicated via AIM and texting.

I've been doing most of the initiating with both of these guys. Maybe this really isn't a big deal, but I get nervous. I start thinking that, if I'm the one initiating most of the conversations, does it mean they're not really that interested and just responding out of politeness? If I text or message them every day (or every other day), does that make me come off as needy? I've always been told to let the guys chase me instead of me chase them, but in my experiences, it seems like most of them are too afraid to chase after me. Hell, even my ex said he was going to give up on pursuing me until he snooped around and found out I liked him through an old blog post. Then he got the courage to pursue me. But these guys aren't going to know I'm interested unless I directly express interest in them, which means TALKING to them. I'm starting to think that the old advice that was given to me by relatives and literature just simply can't apply to me. Or maybe it can, but not until after I've at least met the guys in person.

What do you all think? Am I just worrying over nothing? Do you think I'll come off as needy if I talk to either of these guys every day (or at least every other day)? I could use some help...

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Now, you shouldn't trust every word I say because I'm never been in a relationship or courted a girl before, but:

I don't think it's a bad thing if you pursue the guys. There's no rule saying you can't. I think, if you really want to know how much they're interested in you, then look at their actions and choice of words with you. I'm not sure of the specifics, but, if they're talking to you about their personal life, asking you about yours (like asking about your exes or something), or, overall, being completely open with you, then I would think that there's some interest. Try hinting at being in a relationship and seeing what they say, like teasing them about liking you or something along those lines. But, as for your calling frequency, ask them to call you sometime if it bothers you. Tell them you're starting to feel like they don't want to talk to you since you're the one calling them all the time. Or you could give them some time to call you, like no more than a week or so.

 

[Niiña]

Im of the idea that you do not message to him every day but you can send a message tomorrow and wait his answer, if he response your message and he'll stay talking with you, go, text him every other day, once time you try to contact him but you shouldn't searching all the time, let to him search you some days. if he is politeness and if him show interest about you. you can message with him every other day. And you think and decide which of these guys caught more your mind, what guy do you prefer? and why you prefer him? you decide for one of these guys.

Oh almost forgot it. You While investigate that your guys don't have some compromise with other girls or that they aren't very firltatious

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Guys are pretty easy, if they are texting you back then they want to talk to you and they are interested. I don't think the majority of guys just simply respond out of politeness. I say that the majority don't because I know there are a few exceptions to every rule. Most guys will simply just stop responding to you if they don't want to talk to you or if you are coming off as needy.

I wouldn't stress too much about it. It sounds like you're doing just fine.

If anything happens with these guys, keep us updated

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think the majority of guys just simply respond out of politeness.

Pretty much this. If a guy doesn't like you, they won't talk to you. Portrait, it seems like the opposite is happening to you, so that's good. Maybe they're just too shy to initiate and they have similar thoughts to you about being needy. Keep doing what you're doing because you seem to have these guys happy about talking to you.

 

[Feathers]

Portrait, I think it's good that you're practising and talking/messaging with these guys...

Think of them as 'practice guys' if it helps you maybe? If they turn out to be compatible with you, then maybe something more...? Get to know them well...

In my opinion it's probably better to text/talk every other day (or less, it depends - how quickly and how much do they reply etc), or at least keep some mystery, and let them initiate some conversations too... and yeah, meet up and see how you like them, if you 'click' and if they seem reliable and trustworthy etc, before investing too much emotionally... (it's good if they bring it up, that they want to meet you... or you could maybe hint that you'd like to go do something, eg to an event that you'd really like to go to, especially if it's free and something you both might enjoy if you're both still eg students, and see if they 'get the hint'...)

usually guys want to get contact info/phone numbers/meet up... it helps if you're generally enthusiastic and appreciative of their efforts... (or in RL 'friendly and polite' can do the trick too) and if you find things you can admire in what they say/do/... or at least if you're in an environment where you're relaxed and happy...
General conversation skills can help, there's lots of info about that online & in books...

It's good to have other friends and activities, so you can keep yourself busy and happy, then it's not likely you'd come across as 'needy' or such... If you might 'feel' needy or lacking energy/awaiting anxiously next text msg, you can maybe talk to a friend before that, or go for a walk/jogging or do something fun before that...

You're brave, girl, and yeah, keep us informed!!

 

[sullyS25]

I personally like when the girl initiates contact, especially when I am interested and like others have said, if I am not interested I usually won't respond.

I don't think you are coming across as needy at all, multiple texts a day when there is no response is coming across as needy...in my opinion. And they may be shy just like you which is why they don't initiate the conversation. So I think you are doing the right thing.

 

[this_portrait]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Reading all of your thoughts has helped ease my worried mind quite a bit.

What's funny is that not long after I made this thread last night, the guy I'm more interested in initiated a texting convo with me. It didn't last very long (I think he probably fell asleep, as he mentioned that he had been working for 12 hours on a project for school), but I guess the fact that he would make an effort to talk to me after working a long day/night before crashing for the night shows that he's interested.

I think I'll save the old advice of "letting the guys chase me" for later on (assuming I meet either of them in person). At that point, it will probably come in handy more, because the lines of communication will have opened up.

 

[Niiña]

do you believe that extrovert boys also likes that the girl 'll start to some contact with him?
ie do you believe that extrovert boys likes that girls give the fisrt step to talk with him?

 

[OceanMist]

My opinion looks like it will be against the grain here, but i'll say it anyway.

There will be guys that will respond out of kindness, just like there will be women that respond out of kindness. Personally, I've responded to practically every message that is sent to me. Some of those were out of pure kindness with no interest in the woman sending me the message.

I thoroughly encourage all women to initiate the in-person meetup with the guy if you feel you want that. I believe a problem with the dating world is many women are afraid of being seen as "easy" by asking a guy out, when we don't see you as that way. Go for what you want.

Are these guys responding to be nice? I don't know. I think only they know, and you can try to read them, but it's tough to do that at times. The only way to really know is to ask them out eventually.

 

[this_portrait]

My opinion looks like it will be against the grain here, but i'll say it anyway.

There will be guys that will respond out of kindness, just like there will be women that respond out of kindness. Personally, I've responded to practically every message that is sent to me. Some of those were out of pure kindness with no interest in the woman sending me the message.

I thoroughly encourage all women to initiate the in-person meetup with the guy if you feel you want that. I believe a problem with the dating world is many women are afraid of being seen as "easy" by asking a guy out, when we don't see you as that way. Go for what you want.

Are these guys responding to be nice? I don't know. I think only they know, and you can try to read them, but it's tough to do that at times. The only way to really know is to ask them out eventually.

Thanks for the response!

I was texting the guy I'm more interested in earlier tonight, and I noticed that he seemed a bit more enthusiastic and expressive (using exclamation points and words like "haha" and such). He never acted that way before, either over text or message. It was interesting, to say the least.