miswired
New member
Hi, this is my first post here. I am wondering if there is anyone out there who is messed up as me. I wonder if it is possible to be more messed up than me and still live and function in the free world.
Ok, I know that is not really true. I know that there are people out there who really have it much worse than me and I need to be thankful for all I have but I find that hard to do.
I have been messed up since I was a small child. I am going to make a list of all the crazy things about me.
1.I remember sitting at the kitchen table, my grandmother smoked, and thinking that is I looked at the ashtray while I was eating, it would get into my food. I still get completely grossed out if I see something yucky while I am eating
2. I can't eat food that anyone else has touched.
3. I have to drink out of a straw that was unwrapped by myself
4. I really don't like to be touched at all, I think it is gross, I let my husband and small children touch me but even my kids, once they get to a certain age, I don't touch much.
5. I fantasize about having a perfect house. My house is not perfect at all. I want it to be perfect and I get in moods where I will spend hours and hours cleaning a room or a closet and then someone in my family messes it up and I completely shut down and do nothing for days, or weeks at a time. But I sit and daydream about being able to wash my towels every time I use them or being able to scrub the entire bathroom every time it is used.
6. I count things, like my steps or other things, this does not really bother my life, it is just something I have noticed about myself
7. I cannot do anything consistently then I feel bad and shut down again.
8. I am scared of people.
9. I think constantly about all the bad things that could happen like car accidents or death or illness or accidents of any sort. When I walk into a room I look around and see all the things that could cause some sort of freak accident, like if there are knitting needles in the room, I imagine someone tripping and falling on them and stabbing themselves through the heart.
10. I am always thinking that I have some sort of exotic ailment. In the past year I have had cancer, heart disease, an aneurysm, diabetes, umm, there are other things but I can't remember what.
11. Lately, I have not been able to sleep, I stay up until 2 or 3 because I am afraid I am going to die in my sleep.
12. I worry that I might hurt someone
13. I think that I am the worst person in the world and that I have committed so many sins that God will never forgive me.
14.There are times when I am happy and confident and I think that things are ok, and I am on top of the world. When I am like that, it takes the littlest thing to knock me down and I shut down for days.
15. I have hurt everyone I have ever known, I cause pain and destruction everywhere I go.
There are many more things that make me messed up but I have got to go get ready to leave right now. So when I get back, I will obsessively check in here every couple of minutes to see if anyone responded.
Oh, and please don't recommend that I get help, that is just not an option for me.
Ok, I know that is not really true. I know that there are people out there who really have it much worse than me and I need to be thankful for all I have but I find that hard to do.
I have been messed up since I was a small child. I am going to make a list of all the crazy things about me.
1.I remember sitting at the kitchen table, my grandmother smoked, and thinking that is I looked at the ashtray while I was eating, it would get into my food. I still get completely grossed out if I see something yucky while I am eating
2. I can't eat food that anyone else has touched.
3. I have to drink out of a straw that was unwrapped by myself
4. I really don't like to be touched at all, I think it is gross, I let my husband and small children touch me but even my kids, once they get to a certain age, I don't touch much.
5. I fantasize about having a perfect house. My house is not perfect at all. I want it to be perfect and I get in moods where I will spend hours and hours cleaning a room or a closet and then someone in my family messes it up and I completely shut down and do nothing for days, or weeks at a time. But I sit and daydream about being able to wash my towels every time I use them or being able to scrub the entire bathroom every time it is used.
6. I count things, like my steps or other things, this does not really bother my life, it is just something I have noticed about myself
7. I cannot do anything consistently then I feel bad and shut down again.
8. I am scared of people.
9. I think constantly about all the bad things that could happen like car accidents or death or illness or accidents of any sort. When I walk into a room I look around and see all the things that could cause some sort of freak accident, like if there are knitting needles in the room, I imagine someone tripping and falling on them and stabbing themselves through the heart.
10. I am always thinking that I have some sort of exotic ailment. In the past year I have had cancer, heart disease, an aneurysm, diabetes, umm, there are other things but I can't remember what.
11. Lately, I have not been able to sleep, I stay up until 2 or 3 because I am afraid I am going to die in my sleep.
12. I worry that I might hurt someone
13. I think that I am the worst person in the world and that I have committed so many sins that God will never forgive me.
14.There are times when I am happy and confident and I think that things are ok, and I am on top of the world. When I am like that, it takes the littlest thing to knock me down and I shut down for days.
15. I have hurt everyone I have ever known, I cause pain and destruction everywhere I go.
There are many more things that make me messed up but I have got to go get ready to leave right now. So when I get back, I will obsessively check in here every couple of minutes to see if anyone responded.
Oh, and please don't recommend that I get help, that is just not an option for me.