Its all my fault

[Confuseddd]

I have been thinking about something, and well I may be on to something.. Not quite sure but I thought it might be worth sharing

I think everything is my fault

So, I will start by giving you an example of a situation that effect me and my anxiety negatively, so you can get a better idea of what im talking about.
Today for instance I was at the gym, and me and my friend had a disagreement, well we ended up just letting it go on mutual terms but never the less I felt like that entire scenario was MY fault. I felt like the entire tension that was created was because of me, and it could have all been avoided. I start thinking I may have been wrong and it is a spiral downwards from there. That is just one situation out of the many I have had that eventually builds up after a time to something so much bigger!
What I mean is that, after a while I am too afraid to even speak my mind because im afraid of the tension, because I feel like its all my fault! Everything is always my fault in my head, mostly sub-conciously.
This is big for me because I now understand myself just that much more. I figure if I can progressively teach myself that tension and disagreement is going to happen and also come hand in hand, and ALSO, that it is not my fault I may become slightly better!
Maybe someone relates in a way? Hopefully! Hope it helped someone!
Maybe someone will know a technique that might help me teach myself this ?

 

[EscapeArtist]

I quite understand! It's great that you came to this revelation I bet a ton of us can most likely relate. Perhaps you opened somebody's eyes on here to similarly discreet 'faulty' thoughts of their own.. Thanks for sharing your revelation!

 

[Phoenixx]

I sometimes feel this way, especially when my mother has her "moments" where she just pins the blame on someone else when something goes wrong, and that someone else is usually me.

I figure if I can progressively teach myself that tension and disagreement is going to happen and also come hand in hand, and ALSO, that it is not my fault I may become slightly better!

^ I definitely need to learn this. Thanks for sharing that

 

[Snowdrop]

I totally agree with this. I think I kinda realized that I do this all the time a while ago and yet, for some reason, I always still subconsciously do it! Whatever I say, whatever I do, I will always think it's my fault. Whatever I say, I'll think it's dumb, a load of rubbish, and so in a sense my fault. I've also realized that even when someone is irritable or peed off like near me and they're just having a rant about something or other, while I'm present, I'll think it's at least got something partially to do with me.
It's ridiculous right? I mean how self-involved could I get? haha

Unfortunately as you can tell I haven't found any clever means around this negative thinking but maybe everytime we recognize this thought, we try to replace it with something else. Thinking simple.

I hope that helped a bit.

 

[Feathers]

Yeah, I can relate.. It's similar with the eco projects... People have had different opinions, and I just felt so darn guilty.. It's really stupid, really... I've felt guilty cause they had different opinions or couldn't/didn't make it or had conflicting schedules/preferred times to meet up etc. Or because someone (in authority) behaved less-than-stellar in the past. (It doesn't make sense, I know!!)
I'm consciously aware of it, sub-consciously I just want to stay away.. I think it's the whole AvPD thing coming into play.. I just want to avoid conflict and disagreements even though they are a natural part of life.. Some people do not even think about it..

Maybe because my mom can be so loud about her displeasures and it's usually been 'somebody else's fault' (even though she could have prevented it with better organizing or such too) I kinda often have thought when someone was dissatisfied or unhappy it was my fault.. Then I tried to cheer them up or leave.. Sometimes she's not even really dissatisfied she just has that tone of voice and I'm sensitive to sound.. (and that tone..) It's been just really difficult sometimes..

It's rather egocentric thinking, isn't it? To think it all revolves around us, huh?
When in reality so many other factors can be in play too... (They may just be having a crappy day, or just a different opinion, or may think nothing of it really...) while here we go, OCD-ing and hyperfocusing on something, lol... Not sure how to go out of this?

I've read some tips on treatment for AvPD, some sites are optimistic, some aren't so much.. basically people need to challenge themselves and achieve mini-step successes, that was the overall opinion I got from it..

Decision-making and such can be challenging.. It was somewhat helpful to me to read forum posts (on other forums) of people who were totally overwhelmed with and were obsessing about decisions that seemed totally silly to me (like, get a 2nd or 7th dog or not, etc). I don't know if your situation with the friend was about a decision, if it was, seeing what other people may obsess about may put it into perspective for you too.. sometimes it's not even about a decision, it's just the mind can go into OCD mode and ascribe importance to something that isn't so important.. or may misread signals or ascribe priorities or importances to things that aren't so relevant at all..
And sometimes it IS relevant and it's good to talk about it, and together you can find a new and better solution maybe.. (If you just were silent you might 'explode' someday, and be angry and it's not healthy.. sometimes/often it's good to talk about things at the right time, before you get angry.. or after you've cooled down.. if it's really important..)

 

[coyote]

I think it's all Feathers' fault

 

[joyce]

I have been thinking about something, and well I may be on to something.. Not quite sure but I thought it might be worth sharing

I think everything is my fault

So, I will start by giving you an example of a situation that effect me and my anxiety negatively, so you can get a better idea of what im talking about.
Today for instance I was at the gym, and me and my friend had a disagreement, well we ended up just letting it go on mutual terms but never the less I felt like that entire scenario was MY fault. I felt like the entire tension that was created was because of me, and it could have all been avoided. I start thinking I may have been wrong and it is a spiral downwards from there. That is just one situation out of the many I have had that eventually builds up after a time to something so much bigger!
What I mean is that, after a while I am too afraid to even speak my mind because im afraid of the tension, because I feel like its all my fault! Everything is always my fault in my head, mostly sub-conciously.
This is big for me because I now understand myself just that much more. I figure if I can progressively teach myself that tension and disagreement is going to happen and also come hand in hand, and ALSO, that it is not my fault I may become slightly better!
Maybe someone relates in a way? Hopefully! Hope it helped someone!
Maybe someone will know a technique that might help me teach myself this ?

I know some times it feels like it's your fault but don't blame your self.

 

[Feathers]

I think it's all Feathers' fault

No no no no!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blame it on Coyote!!!

/I think it's more fair! He's older!! /

 

[Feathers]

Oh, and that reminds me: another thing to NEVER tell your kids (or anybody else's!) 'S/he, who is smarter/wiser, gives up first' or 'You are older, you should be wiser'! I think I remember where some of the guilt comes from!!

Really stupid things to say to anyone, hmm...!! (except in very specific circumstances!!)

 

[Confuseddd]

Yeah, I can relate.. It's similar with the eco projects... People have had different opinions, and I just felt so darn guilty.. It's really stupid, really... I've felt guilty cause they had different opinions or couldn't/didn't make it or had conflicting schedules/preferred times to meet up etc. Or because someone (in authority) behaved less-than-stellar in the past. (It doesn't make sense, I know!!)
I'm consciously aware of it, sub-consciously I just want to stay away.. I think it's the whole AvPD thing coming into play.. I just want to avoid conflict and disagreements even though they are a natural part of life.. Some people do not even think about it..

Maybe because my mom can be so loud about her displeasures and it's usually been 'somebody else's fault' (even though she could have prevented it with better organizing or such too) I kinda often have thought when someone was dissatisfied or unhappy it was my fault.. Then I tried to cheer them up or leave.. Sometimes she's not even really dissatisfied she just has that tone of voice and I'm sensitive to sound.. (and that tone..) It's been just really difficult sometimes..

It's rather egocentric thinking, isn't it? To think it all revolves around us, huh?
When in reality so many other factors can be in play too... (They may just be having a crappy day, or just a different opinion, or may think nothing of it really...) while here we go, OCD-ing and hyperfocusing on something, lol... Not sure how to go out of this?

I've read some tips on treatment for AvPD, some sites are optimistic, some aren't so much.. basically people need to challenge themselves and achieve mini-step successes, that was the overall opinion I got from it..

Decision-making and such can be challenging.. It was somewhat helpful to me to read forum posts (on other forums) of people who were totally overwhelmed with and were obsessing about decisions that seemed totally silly to me (like, get a 2nd or 7th dog or not, etc). I don't know if your situation with the friend was about a decision, if it was, seeing what other people may obsess about may put it into perspective for you too.. sometimes it's not even about a decision, it's just the mind can go into OCD mode and ascribe importance to something that isn't so important.. or may misread signals or ascribe priorities or importances to things that aren't so relevant at all..
And sometimes it IS relevant and it's good to talk about it, and together you can find a new and better solution maybe.. (If you just were silent you might 'explode' someday, and be angry and it's not healthy.. sometimes/often it's good to talk about things at the right time, before you get angry.. or after you've cooled down.. if it's really important..)

Thanks feathers, I always love reading your caring, heart felt responses because to me you just seem so genuine! So thanks I appreciate it!
Well firstly me and my friend are hugely philosophical, so we debate OFTEN about it and sometimes we get extremely into it. At the gym this was the case haha but it always leads to me second guessing myself, and blaming myself. Its a pretty silly feeling and im pretty sure he has long forgotten about it, but me? NOPE, haha it really is egocentric in some cases, I would definitly agree, but not for your typical reasons. I assume its hard for most other people to understand that, because it does seem that way!

 

[Confuseddd]

I know some times it feels like it's your fault but don't blame your self.

yeah I have been working on this recently as it is the next big thing I have decided to take on.
I am determined

 

[Confuseddd]

Alright so for the ones that have always known this, have you been doing anything to combat it?
As of recently I have discovered that as soon as I start feeling the way I described in my OP it helps to tell myself,
"The only difference bewteen me and him right now, is I care and can't stop thinking about how I feel and he doesn't"
Its a sort of rationalisation I do and when I realise thats the only difference I can usually not feel so bad about it! It helps alittle but I have a long ways to go I think, as it only helps while im "in the moment" you know?