I've been wanting to die for years

[Rumplestiltskin]

15 years, to be exact.

At this point, I think it's fair to say that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not depressed, I'm not going through a bad patch, I'm not bound to get happier and better over time. I'm just a normal, clearheaded guy who just doesn't want to live anymore. Or, rather, who would have preferred never to have been born in the first place.

How am I supposed to go on living like this? I don't have a job and I have no real chance of getting one. I have beein doing nothing for so much time that right now I can't justify to anyone how void my existence has been (let alone to a recruiter wanting to hear what a self-sufficient and ever-moving person you are). Actually, it is even hard for me to understand how I have gotten to today, to remember what I have been doing during all these empty years.

I've wasted my whole life and now it's too late to make up for it. I can't kill myself because that would hurt my parents, but I have no real interest in living and, much worse than that, I know I never will.

Another day's gone by. Another useless day.

But hey, tomorrow will be another day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow's the day.

I mean, this has to change at some point, hasn't it?

 

[bsammy]

nothing has to change.i work and make good money but even i wonder what the point is of grinding through every day.not a depression issue but more of a 'wtf is the point?' issue.

 

[Quietguy11]

I use to think the same way, but then I learned how to put perseverance into action. Finding something that you are passionate about may help give you a sense of belonging in this world. For me it's drawing and watching anime. I get a lot of enjoyment from both. My life can suck a lot, but I always find myself in moments where I am happy to be alive. Just don't give up on yourself. Find what you want to do, and pursue it.

 

[vj288]

But hey, tomorrow will be another day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow's the day.

I mean, this has to change at some point, hasn't it?

No, it doesn't have to change at any point, it will not fix itself. But if you've already your life is a lost cause, why not stop waiting for it to be amazing and just live for today? Don't hold yourself back anymore, just go for whatever and whenever. What do you have to lose? Try something different, take on a new attitude, go after things you didn't bother with before. I mean you could just die, but to me it always seemed like a better idea just drop everything and start new. Sort of like killing your current self, and creating one you like more. Whenever I felt hopeless that's what I did, until I had things to hold onto I didn't want to drop. But death would be dropping everything, so in that mindset first dropping it all and not dying seems like a better idea, to me at least.

 

[Trishanku]

No, it doesn't have to change at any point, it will not fix itself. But if you've already your life is a lost cause, why not stop waiting for it to be amazing and just live for today? Don't hold yourself back anymore, just go for whatever and whenever. What do you have to lose? Try something different, take on a new attitude, go after things you didn't bother with before. I mean you could just die, but to me it always seemed like a better idea just drop everything and start new. Sort of like killing your current self, and creating one you like more. Whenever I felt hopeless that's what I did, until I had things to hold onto I didn't want to drop. But death would be dropping everything, so in that mindset first dropping it all and not dying seems like a better idea, to me at least.

I've been like the OP for over 5 years now and I like this. especially, erasing the current self, and creating a new one.

 

[neardeath]

I use to think the same way, but then I learned how to put perseverance into action. Finding something that you are passionate about may help give you a sense of belonging in this world. For me it's drawing and watching anime. I get a lot of enjoyment from both. My life can suck a lot, but I always find myself in moments where I am happy to be alive. Just don't give up on yourself. Find what you want to do, and pursue it.

For those of us who have given up on suicide and live as you do, I agree with Quietguy.

I study astronomy and the Bible, pursue nature (mostly alone), and I kayak. I brighten up at the thought of these things, and they give me something to look forward to.

Otherwise, I'd be finding a gun.

Somewhere in your head, there is a spark for something on earth you can pursue. It's all I can do to pass the time, and pray I don't live to 90 like my Mom!

 

[Flanscho]

... there's nothing wrong with me ... I'm just a normal, clearheaded guy who just doesn't want to live anymore

That makes no sense. If you want to die, then something is wrong. It's that simple.

 

[jaim38]

I think this could help:

Coffee drinking tied to lower risk of suicide | Harvard Gazette

I also agree with the other posters.

 

[Rumplestiltskin]

First off, thank you all for your replies. The fact that I don't agree with everything that's been said doesn't mean in the slightest that I don't appreciate your writing.

Find what you want to do, and pursue it.

The thing is I really have no idea what I want to do in my life, other than stop suffering. I obviously know how I would want to live in an ideal world (that's an easy one), but I've never really known what my actual and feasible goals should be, which is evidently something crucial to achieve things in life.

No, it doesn't have to change at any point, it will not fix itself. But if you've already your life is a lost cause, why not stop waiting for it to be amazing and just live for today? Don't hold yourself back anymore, just go for whatever and whenever. What do you have to lose? Try something different, take on a new attitude, go after things you didn't bother with before. I mean you could just die, but to me it always seemed like a better idea just drop everything and start new. Sort of like killing your current self, and creating one you like more. Whenever I felt hopeless that's what I did, until I had things to hold onto I didn't want to drop. But death would be dropping everything, so in that mindset first dropping it all and not dying seems like a better idea, to me at least.

Like Trishanku, I really like your idea of erasing oneself and start acting and thinking as a new person. It's something I'll definitely try to put into practice.

Sadly, I don't think things quite work this way. You're what you're now, but what you're now is the result of what you've always been. Your past experiences can't be forgotten as if by magic. They're there, and they'll always remain there.

That makes no sense. If you want to die, then something is wrong. It's that simple.

Well, not really. That's just what I believe is called "groupthink" or "unitary mindset".

If you want to die, you clearly have got a problem because you have to live even if you don't want to. But life as an entity can't be objectively defined as good per se (in fact, "life" doesn't mean anything, since everyone's life is different), so there's nothing inherently wrong in saying you don't like your life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

I get what you mean, but I'm afraid I'm more for "Nothing stays the same if it can get any better".

I don't understand why you think getting a job is so unlikely. Do you have an obstacle that stands in your way?

I don't have an education and can't work facing the customers. What's left for me?

You say there's nothing wrong, yet your posting on this forum so that leads me to believe you do suffer from anxiety/HH/social anxiety/agoraphobia/depression/something else.

I suffer from agoraphobia/social anxiety, but not from depression. Anyhow, how does that change anything?

I also don't understand why you think you'll never have any interest in living, unless you have some sort of future telling abilities you haven't mentioned.

No abilities that I know of, but a lot of common sense. If your life's sucked until now and you've always been lost, why should it all change overnight?

Can I ask, what have you tried? Have you tried anything to help you in your situation?

I've been to three psychologists and one psychiatrist. I don't care at all about the wasted time, but I don't even want to start thinking how much money I've spent with them.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Despite what you may think, Rumple, you exhibit signs of depression.

There are other elements, types of depression.

 

[theslowesthand]

You could possibly have a low-level form of depression. Perhaps anhedonia? (lack of ability to enjoy things). But having depression is not all bad, as you can learn much from it. And some say that depression is the universe trying to teach you, but you're not "listening"...

I've done absolutely nothing with my life for the past decade at least. Even when i had jobs, i still wasn't "doing" anything with my life. Same goes for my school years (never went out or socialized). And i've seen several psychologists/psychiatrist/councellors over 15/so years. But nothing ever changed at all, perhaps as i never changed. So my current attitude to improving one's life is that YOU need to change, in order for YOUR LIFE to change. I've been heavily delving into self-help stuff from many of the biggest/best/brightness self-help gurus/experts worldwide today. And i'm starting to see that in order to make some real, actual change in my life, being the "tough nut" that i am, it is probably going to take much more than simply talking to a therapist, or to eat better, exercise, etc, etc (what most people advise you to do to get out of the rut). But what is required is that i go DEEP into my "stuff" ... to attack all my irrational beliefs, remedy energy/chakra/etc energy blockages, perhaps try god/love/prayer, maybe ancestry/past-life work, listen regulalry to brainwave entrainment audio, etc. etc. This is what i plan on doing in the coming months. I am in one hell of a rut, and it's not going to go away by itself, so i think the only way foward for myself now is to go all-out with the most powerful, deepest stuff possible.

 

[Flanscho]

If you want to die, you clearly have got a problem because you have to live even if you don't want to. But life as an entity can't be objectively defined as good per se (in fact, "life" doesn't mean anything, since everyone's life is different), so there's nothing inherently wrong in saying you don't like your life.

Life is good if there are objectively more reasons (or more important reasons) to enjoy life than to suffer from it. Life can be bad at times, but as long as there is a chance that things improve, wanting to die still means that something is inherently wrong with that person. No matter if it's some chemical imbalance in the brain, past haunting experiences or whatever.

And there is a huge difference between saying "I really want to die" and "I don't like my life". That's like the difference between not liking children and going on a killing spree to a kindergarden.

 

[Opaline]

And there is a huge difference between saying "I really want to die" and "I don't like my life". That's like the difference between not liking children and going on a killing spree to a kindergarden.

Hmm... I find that when the thought of "I don't like my life" pops up, it is immediately followed by feelings of wanting to die. When I dislike my life I feel that it is not worth living. I think it's because I dislike it for its lack of social richness though, and I think that that kind of lack can make your life feel unbearably empty.

I hope that paragraph made sense. Posting it anyway.

Anyway yeah I agree with the others, despite what you may say OP, you do exhibit signs of depression. Are you male or female? Sometimes men can be depressed without realizing it because they don't always have the same red flags as women, such as crying, etc. I'm sure the same thing can and does happen to women too, though, and if you are female maybe it is the case for you.

 

[vj288]

You could possibly have a low-level form of depression. Perhaps anhedonia? (lack of ability to enjoy things). But having depression is not all bad, as you can learn much from it. And some say that depression is the universe trying to teach you, but you're not "listening"...

I had never heard of anhedonia before, but after reading up on it, it actually sounds like it's an accurate depiction of my life at most times, Social anhedonia especially so. Even when I'm happy or "at peace" with things, I still struggle greatly to enjoy things, especially when any sort of social interaction is required in doing so. For a while I had an easier time enjoying things, but not sure what I was doing then and that time is definitely no longer.

 

[Rumplestiltskin]

Despite what you may think, Rumple, you exhibit signs of depression.

There are other elements, types of depression.

If my life was great and I wanted to die, then I would be depressed. But my life sucks and I can't do anything to prevent it from sucking in the future years, so my hating it is completely rational thinking.

You could possibly have a low-level form of depression. Perhaps anhedonia? (lack of ability to enjoy things). But having depression is not all bad, as you can learn much from it. And some say that depression is the universe trying to teach you, but you're not "listening"...

I enjoy a lot of things, but life is not about enjoying things, which is the easiest thing in the world. What life is about is:

1. Accepting yourself
2. Having a job you enjoy (since you'll spend most of your life working)

Life is good if there are objectively more reasons (or more important reasons) to enjoy life than to suffer from it. Life can be bad at times, but as long as there is a chance that things improve, wanting to die still means that something is inherently wrong with that person. No matter if it's some chemical imbalance in the brain, past haunting experiences or whatever.

How do you determine whether there is room for improvement? Is improvement always possible?

And there is a huge difference between saying "I really want to die" and "I don't like my life". That's like the difference between not liking children and going on a killing spree to a kindergarden.

It's all roughly the same in my book. If you don't like your life, you're likely suffering. Whenever you suffer, you want your suffering to come to an end. If you believe the only way for you to stop suffering would be dying, then you probably won't care much about this happening.

Saying "I want to kill myself" would be something completely different, though.

Are you male or female?

I'm a male.

Sometimes men can be depressed without realizing it because they don't always have the same red flags as women, such as crying, etc. I'm sure the same thing can and does happen to women too, though, and if you are female maybe it is the case for you.

I know I'm officially depressed, but, as said before, we can't just conclude that anyone who doesn't enjoy their life is not seeing things straight. We have to take a look at how their lives are and have been before making a definite judgement.

 

[theslowesthand]

If my life was great and I wanted to die, then I would be depressed. But my life sucks and I can't do anything to prevent it from sucking in the future years, so my hating it is completely rational thinking

Perhaps ... but could this rational thinking be possibly in relation to irrational beliefs about your future life?? Or irrational beliefs concerning your expectations of what life ought to be???

You could possibly have a low-level form of depression. Perhaps anhedonia? (lack of ability to enjoy things)

I enjoy a lot of things, but life is not about enjoying things, which is the easiest thing in the world

Just to clarify, as it can be taken diferent ways, by "lack of ability to enjoy things", what i'm meaning here is not the loud/overt/big/crazy/action/partying/etc type of enjoyment, but quite the opposite - the ability to find small pleasures in the simple/little things in life.

"Joy" is meant to be one of our "natural states". If we have a lack of authentic joy in our life, then for sure i would say there's some form of dis-ease going on, which would be highly beneficial to remedy.

How do you determine whether there is room for improvement? Is improvement always possible?

There's ALWAYS room for improvement, for EVERY SINGLE HUMAN alive. We are ALL far from perfection.

 

[Sial Axetder]

If my life was great and I wanted to die, then I would be depressed. But my life sucks and I can't do anything to prevent it from sucking in the future years, so my hating it is completely rational thinking.

You don't have to label it depression.
(That's what it is though.)

Regardless of what it's called it is something you should address.

Depression in Men: Why It’s Hard to Recognize and What Helps <-- an all right site. Does list differences between men and women.

 

[Kiwong]

I feel like a burden, I am so tired of being me, but sometimes after struggling to get off the ground I soar, in moments, and that is what keeps me wanting to live. .

 

[Rumplestiltskin]

Perhaps ... but could this rational thinking be possibly in relation to irrational beliefs about your future life??

There are no irrational beliefs in relation to my future. I've got some problems that have become increasingly worse in time and will continue to do so no matter what.

Or irrational beliefs concerning your expectations of what life ought to be???

What do we consider irrational beliefs about what life ought to be? Is it irrational to want to have an enjoyable job that doesn't make you hate your life from Monday to Friday (and probably beyond that)? Is it irrational to wish for an average social life?

Just to clarify, as it can be taken diferent ways, by "lack of ability to enjoy things", what i'm meaning here is not the loud/overt/big/crazy/action/partying/etc type of enjoyment, but quite the opposite - the ability to find small pleasures in the simple/little things in life.

I've never understood what "enjoying little things" means. I mean, in order to enjoy little things you have to at least be content with how your particular "big things" are. That is, if you're happy with your whole life, you'll be capable of enjoying even the most simple things. Instead, if you're unsatisfied for whatever reason, you won't turn into a happy person even if you get to enjoy a lot for a certain amount of time.

"Joy" is meant to be one of our "natural states". If we have a lack of authentic joy in our life, then for sure i would say there's some form of dis-ease going on, which would be highly beneficial to remedy.

Do you really consider joy to be a natural state of us humans? Aren't we rather forced to feel joy even when our lives mostly provide us with stress and constant worries?

There's ALWAYS room for improvement, for EVERY SINGLE HUMAN alive. We are ALL far from perfection.

Wishful thinking here.

There are bright, interesting, beautiful people who graze perfection and there are others who simply don't stand out at anything. Traits are not distributed equably and some roads to perfection are way longer than others.

 

[Kiwong]

There are bright, interesting, beautiful people who graze perfection

Are they really happy or is the way you perceive them to be?