Gray
Member
A small number of years ago i came to this forum, pretty much when i was at my worst with social anxiety and life in general. It seems my last post was about waiting to be seen on the NHS/UK for a number of cognitive therapy sessions.
It was a long road, with many transfers to different people, but i eventually did get a therapist/councillor who was trained in what i was going through. At the time of seeing them, i was unemployed/jobseekers.
Progress was slow, mainly because i was still reluctant at going out. I obviously had to leave the house to go the jobcentre as well as the councilling sessions, but that was about all i mustered. In the end, the therapist wanted me to take the plunge, and start simple towards the end of 2010.
Nothing major, but just go shopping, or browse around. So then, one Friday (i remember it well!) i decided to go for some petrol for my car, when i just had the sudden urge to say "meh, you know what - i might as well go to the supermarket and have a quick browse around..."
Just as i entered the carpark, the guy who i was listening to on the radio said "and you can be sure all the shops are going to busy today because its Black Friday!". I had no idea. If i had known i would have probably passed up the opportunity, but since i was there - why not. So i stayed there for about 10 minutes having a browse around, and i was fine.
The mental thoughts of "people must be looking at me..." vanished, because i relised that they where far too busy with their own thing to bother about someone like me. So i made the first solid progress in a long while. A few days later, the jobcentre told me that i had to go on a training course.
The worry came right back at me. I had to go Monday to Friday on a return to work course. My last job at this point was 3-4 years previous, working in Customer Services. It essentially left a bitter taste in my mouth, due to events which unfolded during my time there.
While i was a good person to talk too over the phone, i never had any social abilities. I knew how to get a job done with a customer, but if they deviated away from my job - ala, to have a small chat, i would throw up a huge blank and try to avoid the situation entirely. If a customer argued with me, i wouldn't argue back, and they would therefor win the battle of the wits.
I hated it and it depressed me hugely.
But while i was now in the present, fresh from being out of work for so long - I ended up getting quite... Excited about finding a new place of work. I wanted a job, i felt ready. I wasn't going to let the anxiety stop me. The course was 2 weeks long, unfortunately in that time i didn't find a job, so i was left disapointed.
But the jobcentre never gave up that easy, a few weeks later, they ended up putting me on a 10 week training course, which would start the week prior to Christmas 2010. It was essentially the same thing as i did the weeks previous, but on a larger scale.
I was left nervous by it though. People who had been on the course before said it was soul-consuming, and you would hate every second of it. What made it even more challenging was that there was no car spaces in the actual area - So i had to go through a busy shopping centre every day (Christmas too, don't forget).
I got on with it though, my confidence was getting better, and it got to the point that my councillor for the Cognitive Therapy signed me off, saying there was nothing more she could do. I was okay with it though, the year of 2011 started and i had no lack of confidence.
To cap off the perfect start to the year - The training course (Which i actually enjoyed) found me a job. First job in 4 years... In customer services. I could sense the anxiety creeping back in slightly, i was once again on a training course - This time provided by my new employers.
I thought i would struggle. Some of the stuff went over my head so much, but in the end it worked out. I was quiet at first in training, i kept to myself. But i have to say, the people who were starting with me where awesome. They where very welcoming to me, which settled my nerves somewhat, however, as with every story there is also the aspect of "love and heartbreak!"
I did grow fond of a girl who started in our training too. She had been living abroad for a few years, and only returned the week previous to us starting our training. She is a very good looking girl, but at the same time, such a nice person to talk too. I said to myself "she has been back now for just a few days... She said shes living at home... She has to be single..."
So. It should be noted i am a hopeless romantic, and a failure at all things "love and harmony". It was going to be difficult asking her out. So, in my head, i planned out perfectly** how i was going to do it.
We would walk out of work together. I would look around and see if anyone was near us, and then i would ask her a simple question like "so, you doing anything this weekend?" Her answer would hopefully be no, which would lead me on to saying "Oh great... You wanna do something?" And dadaaa. I never planned further than that, because i would be expecting her to say no anyway.
Sure enough! The opportunity made itself.I was bricking it good and proper... She said she wasn't doing anything... But at that point i blanked out. It was that bad. I rushed. And thus, was crushed. But at the same time, i tried going back over my thoughts and was thinking "did i come out and clearly say what i was thinking? Did she misunderstand me?" So it left a huge void.
The next day was like normal. Though i was hesitant. But she seemed okay. But i dared not ask a second time, because that might well have freaked her out, and i particularly didn't want to lose her as a friend.
So, my feelings where still there. It was then a few days later where i was properly crushed. I found out she did have a boyfriend - Except he was in a foreign country. So my intuition was right, with the fact that she was single at this very moment, but she wasn't.
He wasn't in the country. And unfortunately its been a few weeks now since i found out, i haven't been able to "switch off" my feelings towards her. I know shes taken, but there is a whole "what if?" which is swirling around my head.
We're out of training now. But we're on different teams. I always hope to sit near her, just to keep in contact, but with the way the environment in the workplace is, it isn't always possible. It's just a shame now though that we can't hold a one-to-one conversation now, it's the one thing that brightens up my day pretty much!
This was initially mean't be be about the job within Customer Services and having anxiety, but it's been semi-derailed due to events which are transpiring. But basically, i have been told by my manager (and other managers) that i am excellent on the phones talking to customers.
It gives me great confidence to know this. However, inside i am a nervous wreck. I want to get off the phones as soon as possible, because i can't hold conversations. As with my previous employment, if the call diverts away from the actual query, i am screwed.
My stats are pretty poor when it comes to handling call times, but are excellent in other areas. This is down to dragging calls out, because i don't want to hold a conversation with customers.
It's unfortunate that i had to get another job in customer services, i really didn't want to in the slightest, but the upside is that it has given me a lot of new friends who are all great, and my social anxiety is being held back once again.
-
Really hate how long i always make these damn posts, it's never my intention when i start typing on the first line. *sigh*
It was a long road, with many transfers to different people, but i eventually did get a therapist/councillor who was trained in what i was going through. At the time of seeing them, i was unemployed/jobseekers.
Progress was slow, mainly because i was still reluctant at going out. I obviously had to leave the house to go the jobcentre as well as the councilling sessions, but that was about all i mustered. In the end, the therapist wanted me to take the plunge, and start simple towards the end of 2010.
Nothing major, but just go shopping, or browse around. So then, one Friday (i remember it well!) i decided to go for some petrol for my car, when i just had the sudden urge to say "meh, you know what - i might as well go to the supermarket and have a quick browse around..."
Just as i entered the carpark, the guy who i was listening to on the radio said "and you can be sure all the shops are going to busy today because its Black Friday!". I had no idea. If i had known i would have probably passed up the opportunity, but since i was there - why not. So i stayed there for about 10 minutes having a browse around, and i was fine.
The mental thoughts of "people must be looking at me..." vanished, because i relised that they where far too busy with their own thing to bother about someone like me. So i made the first solid progress in a long while. A few days later, the jobcentre told me that i had to go on a training course.
The worry came right back at me. I had to go Monday to Friday on a return to work course. My last job at this point was 3-4 years previous, working in Customer Services. It essentially left a bitter taste in my mouth, due to events which unfolded during my time there.
While i was a good person to talk too over the phone, i never had any social abilities. I knew how to get a job done with a customer, but if they deviated away from my job - ala, to have a small chat, i would throw up a huge blank and try to avoid the situation entirely. If a customer argued with me, i wouldn't argue back, and they would therefor win the battle of the wits.
I hated it and it depressed me hugely.
But while i was now in the present, fresh from being out of work for so long - I ended up getting quite... Excited about finding a new place of work. I wanted a job, i felt ready. I wasn't going to let the anxiety stop me. The course was 2 weeks long, unfortunately in that time i didn't find a job, so i was left disapointed.
But the jobcentre never gave up that easy, a few weeks later, they ended up putting me on a 10 week training course, which would start the week prior to Christmas 2010. It was essentially the same thing as i did the weeks previous, but on a larger scale.
I was left nervous by it though. People who had been on the course before said it was soul-consuming, and you would hate every second of it. What made it even more challenging was that there was no car spaces in the actual area - So i had to go through a busy shopping centre every day (Christmas too, don't forget).
I got on with it though, my confidence was getting better, and it got to the point that my councillor for the Cognitive Therapy signed me off, saying there was nothing more she could do. I was okay with it though, the year of 2011 started and i had no lack of confidence.
To cap off the perfect start to the year - The training course (Which i actually enjoyed) found me a job. First job in 4 years... In customer services. I could sense the anxiety creeping back in slightly, i was once again on a training course - This time provided by my new employers.
I thought i would struggle. Some of the stuff went over my head so much, but in the end it worked out. I was quiet at first in training, i kept to myself. But i have to say, the people who were starting with me where awesome. They where very welcoming to me, which settled my nerves somewhat, however, as with every story there is also the aspect of "love and heartbreak!"
I did grow fond of a girl who started in our training too. She had been living abroad for a few years, and only returned the week previous to us starting our training. She is a very good looking girl, but at the same time, such a nice person to talk too. I said to myself "she has been back now for just a few days... She said shes living at home... She has to be single..."
So. It should be noted i am a hopeless romantic, and a failure at all things "love and harmony". It was going to be difficult asking her out. So, in my head, i planned out perfectly** how i was going to do it.
We would walk out of work together. I would look around and see if anyone was near us, and then i would ask her a simple question like "so, you doing anything this weekend?" Her answer would hopefully be no, which would lead me on to saying "Oh great... You wanna do something?" And dadaaa. I never planned further than that, because i would be expecting her to say no anyway.
Sure enough! The opportunity made itself.I was bricking it good and proper... She said she wasn't doing anything... But at that point i blanked out. It was that bad. I rushed. And thus, was crushed. But at the same time, i tried going back over my thoughts and was thinking "did i come out and clearly say what i was thinking? Did she misunderstand me?" So it left a huge void.
The next day was like normal. Though i was hesitant. But she seemed okay. But i dared not ask a second time, because that might well have freaked her out, and i particularly didn't want to lose her as a friend.
So, my feelings where still there. It was then a few days later where i was properly crushed. I found out she did have a boyfriend - Except he was in a foreign country. So my intuition was right, with the fact that she was single at this very moment, but she wasn't.
He wasn't in the country. And unfortunately its been a few weeks now since i found out, i haven't been able to "switch off" my feelings towards her. I know shes taken, but there is a whole "what if?" which is swirling around my head.
We're out of training now. But we're on different teams. I always hope to sit near her, just to keep in contact, but with the way the environment in the workplace is, it isn't always possible. It's just a shame now though that we can't hold a one-to-one conversation now, it's the one thing that brightens up my day pretty much!
This was initially mean't be be about the job within Customer Services and having anxiety, but it's been semi-derailed due to events which are transpiring. But basically, i have been told by my manager (and other managers) that i am excellent on the phones talking to customers.
It gives me great confidence to know this. However, inside i am a nervous wreck. I want to get off the phones as soon as possible, because i can't hold conversations. As with my previous employment, if the call diverts away from the actual query, i am screwed.
My stats are pretty poor when it comes to handling call times, but are excellent in other areas. This is down to dragging calls out, because i don't want to hold a conversation with customers.
It's unfortunate that i had to get another job in customer services, i really didn't want to in the slightest, but the upside is that it has given me a lot of new friends who are all great, and my social anxiety is being held back once again.
-
Really hate how long i always make these damn posts, it's never my intention when i start typing on the first line. *sigh*
