Just another journal

[jc972]

I sure hope not!

I'm kidding. I liked what you wrote about cuss words. I can't seem to quit. F this, G.d. that, mother f that, so on and so fourth. I know you said most of yours weren't out loud though. I have an idea, ill try to quit if you will. This could be fun. What do you say to that?

 

[jaim38]

So, I went to a Toastmasters meeting today but arrived late! :kickingmyself: I didn't do it on purpose of course. I left at around 27 minutes before the meeting. I thought it would take me less than 20 minutes to get there, but on the way I got distracted and passed the intersection where I was supposed to make a left. I had to turn back but there was so much freakin traffic so I had to wait. I saw a car took a shortcut through a church, but I was debating whether to do that because I heard that it's illegal?

So I arrived at Toastmasters meeting late. The President had already begun the meeting, and I just walked in there looking very embarassed and nervous. I also scouted for a place to sit down. Because I was a new member, I had to be voted in. I had to go outside while the officers voted. The president then welcomed me into the club, but he said it was a close one (or a close tie, I forgot). I was a bit shocked to hear this, but I suspect it could be because I was late! :kickingmyself: Moreover, my body language was all awkward and stiff.

Next, came the table topics, which is the scariest part of the meeting. I was called on and had to speak in front of roughly 35 people. It was scary, but I decided to give it my all. Even though my speech was barely a minute, I could tell it was boring as heck. I heard some guy sighed. I used a lot of filler words - 12 I think. I ran short of words to say. I paused more than usual. The ending was just as awkward. I was going to say "That's it" or something along those lines, but it didn't sound professional so I just went silent for the longest time. I looked at the table master and shook his hand - that's when everyone got the cue to clap.

I got some feedback from members. They said I did ok for a first timer. One guy said at least I didn't pass out because some people just dropped right off. Wow, that put things in perspective for me. And I thought my speech was horrid - which it probably is but I'm grateful I didn't pass out because then I can't do a speech at all!

At the end of the meeting, I tried spending some time conversing with other members. I spoke with 4 overall - the convos went well overall, but I quickly ran out of things to say - a big problem for me. I will try to remember their names and faces.

There was an embarassing incident involving some thread on my pants' buttcheek which I already discussed in another thread. But, it wasn't that embarassing when I suddenly remembered another member having once had holes in his pants.

Wow, it was a huge learning experience for me. I still have a long way to go, much to improve, but I will do my best to learn and grow along the way. I have crafted an agenda for this meeting - most of which have been met. I also think I suck at smiling, but will work on it.

Wish me luck! I will update my progress as I go along.

 

[jaim38]

I forgot to talk about the stinky breath/dry mouth problem I experience frequently. One reason why I always bring a bottle of water and chapstick with me is to keep myself hydrated. At the toastmasters meeting I sipped water every now and then, but was too nervous to put on chapstick because I thought it'll look unprofessional (but I realize this is crazy thinking on my part - I should just do it!). When I was speaking to people, I tried to keep a bit of a distance between us because I want to provide them personal space and also partly because I don't want them to smell my stinky breath (or lack of, I'm not sure but my lips sure feel dry). Next time, I'll put on chapstick before the meeting.

 

[jaim38]

Yesterday at Toastmasters, I forgot to mention that we had this table topics event and was called upon to deliver an impromptu 1-2 min speech. At the end of the event, the club voted for the winner and obviously, my speech was horrid and boring enough to not get any laughter, and barely any applause. The winner was someone else who delivered a humorous speech, on the spot.

The whole experience is very humbling for me because it made me aware of the fact that there are people better than me at speaking, at thinking on their feet, at wowing the audience with humor. I wish I was exposed to more of such graceful rejections at an early age. My life was either filled with excessive praises or extreme rejections. Neither of these helped me grow. They only serve to fuel a false sense of reality in me. Sometimes, I'm seeing the world in rose-colored tinted lenses, other times I view the world in very cynical ways. Neither of these are healthy. What Toastmasters taught me is 1) there are people out there who are better than me in many ways, 2) constructive critique is a good thing, 3) it's OK to lose - what's the worst that can happen? Instead of seeing games such as table topics as winning or losing, see them as learning experiences, opportunities to grow. 4) the willingness to try and be brave is more important than staying in my comfort zone, because it forces me to learn and grow.

When I was in high school, I never applied to Ivy League colleges such as Harvard and Duke, even though I badly wanted to get in, because I was too scared of rejection. I wasn't confident in my abilities or skills to make it. Rejection scared me like h*ll, like the end of the world. Of course back then, I was naive and had my priorities all wrong. Now, I wished I had applied to Harvard and gotten rejected:

Why a Rejection Letter From Harvard or Other Top Colleges Can Be Surprisingly Helpful | LinkedIn

 

[jaim38]

Today was another learning experience. I went out with my parents again, first to visit my grandma. I met some relatives and made an effort to talk to them. I told myself to empathize, listen, and make an effort to come up with things to say. I didn't want to be the quiet girl who just stands there awkwardly while the others around me are engaging in conversation. Overall, it went pretty well, but it could be better. I asked my aunt some probing questions about her husband's family, which is probably rude? I don't claim to know or understand people completely just by having a conversation or two, but it's good being able to connect and trying to empathize with poeple without judging them.

In the nursing home, I was being awkward at times because I kept lowering my eyes and end up looking at people's pants. Looking down has become second nature to me, especially after I lost my confidence and self esteem years ago. When I watched the adults talked, I started lowering my head subconsciously and found myself staring at people' private spots. Totally embarassing, and I hope nobody noticed! So I forced myself to look up. I need to work on my body language.

When we were are the supermarket, I saw some people with tattoos, and it's easy to pass judgment on them just by a single glance but I try not to do that. While in the market, I heard the Kelly Clarkson song "you don't know a thing about me" being played overhead, and she's right that people don't know everything about everybody.

When it was checkout time, we were standing in line when 2 women came up behind us. I find myself feeling very self conscious for some reason. Then it was our turn - I greeted the cashier and stood next to the bagger. I helped the bagger pushed the food over to her for better reach. Then, an idea suddenly came into my head: "say 'how are you doing?'" It was totally out of the blue, not part of the plan I had in mind. The entire time, I was debating whether to talk to the bagger or not. If I said, "How are you?" and she answered, then what do I say next? I was busy trying to plan out the entire conversation. Plus my mom was standing there so if I talked to the bagger, she'll probably think why? In the end, all I said was "thank you" and left. I was disappointed, honestly, because I should have just said what came to my head instead of trying to plan out everything in advance. Not everything has to go perfectly or predictably. The song "Brave" came up and I knew I should have just let the words slide off my mouth. I guess I need to work on speaking off the cuff, at the moment, aka imprompty speaking. I was also socially anxious - gotta work on that too.

And also, I am aware of the trap of being a people pleaser. If I talk to people and it turns out they don't like me or refuse to talk to me, that's fine, I cant' click with everybody but I tried. I want to engage in social itneraction for many reasons, including the desire to improve my social skills and empathize with others. I understand I will get rejected at times, and all rejections hurt, but this is just a part of life and being human. After every rejection or failure, we pick ourselves back up again and trudge forward.

 

[jaim38]

Since last week, I feel like treading on thin ice and being very cautious about my actions. My boss is already breathing down my neck on the creation of certificates and groups. Today, a volunteer suggested sending b-day wishes to another volunteer, sort of like a mass announcement about her b-day. Normally, I'd agree with it, no questions asked, but then I think about my boss and anxiety settled in. I don't want him to breathe down my neck again. So I sent this email that sounded like I'm paranoid or something. My boss is paranoid, and I feel like i'm turning into him! I shouldn't have sent the email in the first place. Sometimes I feel like the go-between where my boss tells me something and expects me to relay to another volunteer. Why doesn't he just say it straight to them but uses me to do the shuttling instead? I'm thinking if anything goes wrong, I am his fall guy or rather, fall girl. Well, nothing serious has happened yet, fortunately.

 

[jaim38]

This morning I had some flashbacks to the past which made me cringe. I was super cheap at the time and tried hard to not spend money on things such as clothes, good food, etc. I owe it to my family and how i was raised, but make no mistake I'm not blaming anybody here or holding grudges. I remember going out in jeans with holes, floral print t-shirts (which I later found out are for older women), adolescent shirts and pants from years ago that I brought with me to college, etc and getting very weird, awkward looks from other people, especially women. At that time, I could care less how I looked. I know I dressed horribly and cheaply, and that I've been getting negative comments for my clothing choices, but you know what I told myself? I said, "Academics is what's most important - #1 priority! I'm a poor college student, sometimes starving. I have 0 time to care about how I look in public!" How foolish and naive I was back then! I also ventured a bit into spirituality and thought, "What matters is what's inside, not outside." This is often parrotted by spiritual gurus and masters. So, all the more reason to not care how sloppy I dress and forgo the material world?

It is only in the recent years that I realized how faulty my thinking is. I took stoicism too far and made myself look so desperate and destitute in the process. I need to get back to reality. So I did. As part of my re-education efforts, I had to unlearn many things, throw away a lot of misconceptions I had about the world.

Now, back to the clothing topic: let's face it, appearance does matter in this world despite all those spiritual gurus teaching people that "what matters is what's on the inside, not outside." Recruiters and employers still judge job candidates according to how they dress/their appearance. I have never heard of any barely dressed, half-naked guy getting hired because of what's on his inside. Many women, believe it or not, choose partners based on physical appearance/sexual appeal. Yes, the world is still shallow, and I've been seeing the world through rose-colored lenses for many, many years.

So, I should make an effort to dress up when I'm out, which means spending money or borrowing clothes from others. But, that's not to say that appearances are the most important thing in the world. What's on the inside still does matter, just as much (or perhaps a tad more) as appearances do. Personally, I care about the inside more than the outside, but let's face it, the rest of the world might not think the same.

 

[jaim38]

I had a great meeting at Toastmasters yesterday. I made an effort to connect with people and practice conversing with them. Kudos to me!

Today was a wake up call. It just dawned on me that I am making no apparent progress in finding a job. Do I need help? I started looking at staffing agencies. My friend got a job through a recruitment agency, who then took part of her salary as part of the agreement. At this point, I just need a job to pay off my student loans. This could be a good idea.

 

[jaim38]

Negative thoughts pervade my mind everyday. I'm not kidding, and neither should anyone else be surprised. Most of these negative thoughts are generated from past experiences as well as things I learnt from my environment. For example, I learnt all my curse words from school and from the media. Surprisingly, not so much from my parents. Now, these curse words go through my head almost daily. Many times they come out of the blue, even when I'm not consciously thinking them. Just like how songs get stuck in my head on rewind. I can't control everything that goes through the mind, which is why negative thoughts are so freakin annoying when they come! Meditation helps a little, but sometimes I find myself suppressing my thoughts because I hope I won't be punished for having them!

Negative experiences too. They will always be with me. I suffered trauma from them, I can't deny this. But, I am gaining more insights into these events and why they happen. In many cases, I sold myself short and hung my head, which made me a very easy target for bullying. At other times, I chalk it up to being different, racism, etc. I am speaking out about it because I'm tired of bottling everything up inside of me. I finally shared my issues on a forum. Honestly, I'm worried people might take it the wrong way and bash me for being insensitive, racist, etc. Already, I am getting negative reactions for this.

 

[jaim38]

Random ramblings here:

When I joined Toastmasters, I found out they almost voted me out. It was a close one. I do feel pressure to fit in, despite my desires to be independent minded and strong. I guess I worked hard to try to show the other members that I care. Now I'm rethinking my approach to the club. I want to connect with other members at the club, but also be able to think for myself and stick to my positions while being myself and having fun at the same time.

In regards to my previous problem, I think spirituality is the answer. One reason why I am delving into spirituality is I find the concept very appealing. That we are all souls inhabiting different types of physical bodies on earth makes physical appearance less relevant. Physical appearance is distracting because it makes people judge you according to what you look like. It creates division and wars among the human race. Arbitration/meditation sounds like an itneresting field to go into. Anyways, I know i am the consciousness/spirit, not the body, but sometimes it's very easy to lose sight of this.

 

[jaim38]

I feel tired and listless. I really miss the old days when I have lots of freedom to do what I want. Now, I have to watch my back all the time. I have to suppress my thoughts, be careful with what I say and do (sometimes I'm just so afraid of making loud noises out of fear that...), even in the bathroom and during sleep I have no privacy. I am restraining myself a lot, and who knows when I'm finally gonna go berserk!

The one thing that really bothers me the most at this point in time is people around expecting me to be perfect! Let's face it, I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I am not a perfect being. I do have flaws and make mistakes. I do have unconscious reactions that might not be positive, but I suspect many people do too. But sometimes, I think I'm being punished more than usual for my flaws, especially in the past when I'm too afraid/nervous to say anything and I get punished and punished, like those people just don't get me and want to bend me to their will. Now I am speaking out hoping to even things out.

To go along with this topic of not being perfect, I want to say that I can't force myself to love/like everybody! It's just a part of my flaw, and I'm sure many people are the same. It's also impossible, I ain't God or Jesus or whatever. Please don't put such pressures on me. I don't claim to be a saint, so please don't judge me according to such high standards. If I can't come to like a person, I would still treat the person with respect, rest assured. I'm not gonna resort to kindergarten tactics to bully/harass people, such as the bullies did to me.

The second issue I want to touch on is being tested in life, which started several years ago. Everything in life feels like a test, so there's a lot of pressure to get an A and score perfectly! In fact, I feel like I can't get a break no matter where I am. Even at home. When they expect me to smile / react positively to someone on TV but I don't (in fact I just put on a neutral face), they get angry. They assume I don't like the person on TV. That's just an example out of many. Must I smile everytime I see this person on TV, fake it so that I don't get punished the next time?

It just feels like my life has turned into 1 big experiment, since 5-6 years ago. I'm like a guinea pig in a jar, yearning for freedom. I don't plan on having kids here. Who knows, I might retire to a forest or farmland trying to make a self-subsistent living for myself.

 

[jaim38]

This morning I went shopping with my parents as usual. Had an agenda of items to work on. But my social motivation (and therefore performance) went from medium to ultra low throughout the day. I find myself not wanting to interact with people, unless they interact with me first.

It is also today that I realize I am a true-blooded introvert. I remember going to Toastmasters and having a good time (not devoid of anxiety of course), so this fooled me into thinking I might be an extrovert, or perhaps an ambivert. First, I don't automatically gain energy from being around people, though certain types of people could energize me. Today, I feel as listless as a zombie. I'm serious when I say that just passing by people or even looking at them depletes me of energy. As an introvert, I spend a lot of mental energy on people. I preoccupy myself with whether I look normal, how do I walk past people normally without looking like I hate them, how do I avoid staring or looking like I gave people the "eye", etc etc.

Yesterday, I also had a bad day (woke up starving to begin with), and today I feel like I'm taking a test or at least taking part in an experiment. Tests are stressful, as we all know. In the past, I made sure I pass tests with flying colors. Now, I wonder what happens when I fail. So, at the end of the day, we were at the cashier's. I was ready to say something to the cashier, but then he didn't say anything and looked like he was pissed off, so in the end I didn't say anything. Thoughts started going through my head. "Should I say hi? Should I not? Why should I when I'm not in the mood? Should I make an effort?" For some reason, I just decided not to. Then I was overtaken by a negativity. I just didn't feel like saying anything to people, unless they say something to me of course then I have to respond. I left the store in a negative mood. Honestly, it does feel like a test. I just don't want everything in life to be a test. I want to take it easy.

You are probably wondering if I am arrogant because of my silence right? This is one of the ways many introverts and social phobics are misunderstood. Their silence is taken for arrogance/holier than though attitude. Extraverts just don't understand. Being quiet is my default attitude/response to people. It takes a lot of effort, stamina, and mental encouragement to propel me to talk to people, especially strangers. The more threatening-looking the stranger, the harder it is. Silence isn't a problem for me, in fact I've had cashiers who barely looked at me and not say anything. Do I get angry at them? Of course not. Do I think they are putting on airs? Definitely not. This world is run by those who speak the loudest, extraverts of course, and they make the rules for the rest of society. Some of those mental shortcuts harbored by society include "silence = arrogance".

So, I was reflecting about this topic when I was in the supermarket. I realized how much energy it took for me to approach people, and how I tend to overthink social interactions. Compare this to an extravert who gets energy by being around people. The meeting I had at Toastmasters was already draining on me. I came home feeling so dead tired by the end of the day.

 

[jaim38]

I saw a part of this show about the wife of a king getting jealous of her servant who was able to seduce the king. It got me thinking, even though the wife has a terrible personality, I could empathize with her. If someone were to steal my future boyfriend, I would be angry too. If my boyfriend is unfaithful to me, I'd react the same way. It's a very natural reaction, unless the couple has an open relationship which I'm not into. I'm also not the type of person to cheat.

 

[jaim38]

https://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/advisor/10-ways-to-lose-friends-and-irritate-people-163429125.html

https://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/advisor/39-no-better-3-old-reading-people-043138716.html

So, I came across those 2 articles above, and started freaking out. Reality settled in. I had my whole speech written out for TM but realized I need to change it. Will I sound arrogant to other people if I just went with what I have? I am nervous. I already screwed up twice, by coming in late twice which was probably responsible for the close call in voting me into the club. So I applied for a mentor to help me, and I was wondering if she really wanted to help me because I couldn't tell from her email and I can't read people better than a 3 year old?! I was worried if I'll be wasting her time. Maybe I should call off the mentor thing? But then, she'd feel rejected and wondered if I didn't like her. If I do continue with the mentoring, I will try not to burden her.

I was feeling particularly angry today. Negative memories from my past resurfaced which rendered me highly emotional for a while. I was yelling and hating in the shower. I almost wanted to include this in my TM speech, to out the name of the college I went to to embarass them in a way. I wanted to speak negatively about those classmates I had back then. But then I came across the first article above and realize how foolish I was. I let my emotions get the best of me. I got so emotional that I was about to do something stupid. I needed to cool my head off.

As for the negative memories from the past, so many were suppressed or thrushed away that I probably forgot some. I have never shared many of these memories and experiences with other people because I feel so ashamed and/or embarassed.I wonder if I should write them down...

I will definitely change my TM speech. I will omit the stuff about bullying and harassment, as well as the yoga stuff which I don't want to pretend to be an expert or brag about.

What I want to work on now is trying to be more humble and friendly in my approach to people. I admit, I was less than graceful when meeting new people. I intentionally saw through people so that I could avoid socializing with them, and part of the reason being I don't want to look like I'm staring at them and being labeled as gay so for a long time, I avoid prolonged eye contact and looked away quickly. This has become my default reaction, it's gonna take some time and effort to change.

 

[jaim38]

I feel like my head's about to fall off just by thinking too much! Last night and this morning, I spent like 10-15 min on what should be a 5 min email. I was so worried about sounding like an arrogant ****! Today, I also thoguht myself to crazy about who a deputy should report to! I have never had a deputy before, so at first I thought the deputy reports to me and my boss. So I sent the email but then felt regret for sending it because I wasn't sure if I made the right decision! I wonder if my deputy is angry because I gave them the impression that they're on the same level as me but then I went around and said they report to me (and my boss). What should I do? The damage is done! I can't redo this email! Honestly, I wonder why my role even exists. It just adds more to the bureaucracy stuff. More levels to bog down decision making. I'm thinking, why can't we have a deputy CEO or something like that?

OK, so I realize I might be overreacting, and I was kind of rash in sending emails to people, so next time I will think for at least 30 min before I act!

 

[jaim38]

Wow, my mood just went from good to super bad. My brother just banned me from using the shared bathroom. He was angry I showered late at night and finished roughly 10 minutes later than usual. He called me a f*cking sh*t and kept poking me while snarling at me. There's not much I could do but admit "fault" and apologize. Then he banned me from ever using the shared bathroom to shower. So now I have to use my parents' bathroom to shower. Sounds really twisted, doesn't it? Welcome to my life! I have to deal with crazy sh*t like this. You're probably thinking, "why don't you tell your parents about it?" Let me say that I've done this in the past so many times to know it doesn't work, if ever. My brother only gets angrier, and bullies me even more. My parents used to spank my brother, but now that he's older, he's stronger so no one can stop him. I know that if I tell my parents, the best they can do is curse my brother out (behind his back of course). Then, my dad goes to work for most of the day and can't deal with this. My mom is also scared of my brother and always does his bidding. The status quo never changes.

No wonder I'm so scared of speaking up to others. Speaking skills starts with the family, but in my case it's stunted. I have to learn how to speak up outside the family.
Meanwhile, I have to keep telling myself to stay strong and not to blame myself for this. I'm crying but I'm trying to stop now because I don't want to wake up with goldfish eyes.

 

[Witty_Name0_0]

Hi. Does anyone ever respond to your posts on this thread? I am thinking of starting a diary and was wondering if they do. Also how old are you? Just curious because you live at home but you sound older. Also why don't you have an avatar? Also are you male or female. It's relevant cuz I can't actually tell.

 

[jaim38]

Hi. Does anyone ever respond to your posts on this thread? I am thinking of starting a diary and was wondering if they do. Also how old are you? Just curious because you live at home but you sound older. Also why don't you have an avatar? Also are you male or female. It's relevant cuz I can't actually tell.

Sometimes I get responses which is good, but I usually post here to release feelings and thoughts. I don't really have anyone in real life that I could unload to. Perhaps my friends, but I don't want to call them every time I have something I have to unload urgently! I don't feel like uploading an avatar yet. Sorry, I don't feel like revealing my age.

 

[jaim38]

So, I just added a volunteer on Skype and saw this quote on her account. I really liked it, so I googled it and found the original author of the quote, Vivan Green I think. I decided to use this quote for my speech. I never thought of it as stealing a quote - as long as I gave credit, like I did in my speech, I think it should be fine.

 

[jaim38]

I was reading this article about the toxicity and usefulness of chlorine. I know my mom uses chlorine a lot for cleaning, and every time, I hated the smell. There's nothing better than chlorine at the moment. This brought back an accident many years ago when I was living in an apt with my sibling. The bathroom floor became sullied with cr*p so I had to claen it. Not once, not twice, but thrice or more. It was honestly one of the most horrible experiences in my life that I never want to relive again. The toilet clogged, I flushed, cr*p came out, then cleaned up, then I told my brother to not use the toilet but he did and cr*p came out, and I was forced to clean everything by hand. My brother, what did he do? All he did was stand there pouring chlorine all over the floor and throwing me a towel every now and then. I was forced to wade through levels of cr*p, crouch down, and clean. The smell was so disgusting, but then came the tons of chlorine that my brother poured. The chlorine smell was so strong that I had difficulty breathing and almost fainted from it.

This is one of the reasons why I hate apt living. We later found out the previous tenant flushed some bangel looking thing down the toilet, hence the clog. #worstExperiencesEver.