Life Is Too Difficult For Me...

[chris87]

I don't really know where to start. Even though I'm only 24, I have no hope for the future and feel like my life is over. Nothing seems to be going right, and each day is so painful. Life is too much for me to handle, and I feel like "living" is just not for me. I want all of this unhappiness to end. I don't think that I will be able to reach any of my goals, and I have no potential to succeed.

I've done so many bad things and have had so many aspects of my life go completely wrong. When I was younger, I at least had a few positive traits (nice person, good student, etc.). I am now a total disgrace, and I don't even recognize the person that I've become.

I don't know whether or not this is relevant, but I have ADHD and possibly some Asperger related issues (I don't really agree, but that's my PDoc's opinion).

Everything started a few years ago when I got myself into a pretty serious predicament. Instead of going to my parents (I was afraid), I tried to take care of it on my own. This was a huge mistake and one that I regret each day. I ended up deceiving my parents, breaking their trust, and getting caught up in a huge web of lies. I never wanted this to happen, and I feel horrible about it. The pain is so bad to me, and my head pounds all day long with the terrible guilt that I feel. Because of me, my parents have had their lives adversely affected. They've lost a substantial amount of their money, been embarrassed multiple times, and have had their credit ruined.

My parents should despise me, but they don't. My dad has basically said to me that "It's only money. I want my son. I don't care about the money." Unfortunately, I can't overlook what I've done, and I'll never be able to go through life with all of this guilt. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who wouldn't have been so forgiving. I'm horrified. I can't believe everything that I've done, and I never wanted to inflict so much damage. I could just cry. All because I've always been too afraid to get my parents' help, I've created a huge disaster.

When my parents finally found out about everything in May, I got involuntarily committed for almost 2 weeks. I then spent another 8 days in June when I was readmitted. It's been a long past few months, and my dad always tells me that "we'll get through everything." I don't see how it can be done. It will probably take me 100 years to repay him, and by that time, it will be to late to ever start a life.

The truth is, I don't think I can do it. I have too many other issues that make it near impossible to ever rectify everything. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I'm not productive at all and probably should be back on ADHD medication. I wish that I could see my PDoc, but I still owe him money. My parents even told me that they would pay for me to see him. They aren't aware that I still have a balance for past sessions. I'm supposed to be honest at this point, but I still have trouble being upfront. It's so hard for me to talk with them about certain issues.

I realize that I am in a pretty bad place. I can't concentrate or focus, no matter what I do. I've tried everything, and as I mentioned, I think my only option is to start taking ADHD medication again. It's the only way I'd be a help to anyone. However, that's not a possibility until I resolve the issues with my PDoc, which I'll probably never be able to do. Then if I do start taking medication, I'll be worried about all of the possible long-term side effects.

No matter which way I turn, I'll just never be happy. My life is ruined as it is, and I can't stop dwelling on negativity. I obsess about my health, I worry about getting older, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of dying, etc. etc. Where does it end? I'm stuck in these horribly bleak thought patterns, and it's an endless loop. Even if I were to "fix" what I've done, I'll still obsess about it years later. To make it worse, I have no friends, no social interaction, and really nothing positive happening in my life.

I'm sorry for being so pessimistic. I'm just sad that my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. What purpose could possibly be left for me? I don't see any hope for positive change and am very doubtful that I could ever move past all of this.

I appreciate any input.

 

[Lowlight]

Wow, that sounds like a lot of weight to be carrying.

First it seems that you are living in the past a bit. Whatever this terrible thing you have done was, if your parents have forgiven you why worry about it. Everybody makes mistakes when they are young, and some even make mistakes when they are old. Point being that you have wonderful parents who know that you are human, know you make mistakes, but still value you anyway.

I realize that looking back at what one should have done, constantly, can drive a person up the wall. What is the point in such a process? Really, be objective about it now. What good does it do if you repeat this guilty thinking in your head? Nothing! It does nothing of benefit for you, or anyone else for that matter. I can hear you telling me, “Well I know that but I just can’t stop thinking about it”. To you I would say that you must FIGHT these thoughts. Don’t address or play into it on its terms. Whenever you start to think about the guilt, stop yourself and say “NO!” Force yourself to think “What has been done has been done, and these thoughts serve no purpose to me. Therefore, I will dismiss these thoughts and give them no stay!” It really is a mind over matter technique that you should work on.

What matters most is that you must be living in the moment while still looking toward the future. You said that you don’t think you will be able to reach the goals you have set for yourself. If it isn’t too personal, what are they? It is my belief that if a person carefully evaluates their goals and aspirations, they may find that they are striving for something they don’t even want. I have had several goals in my life that I have since abandoned. I left them not out of defeat and misery, but out of necessity and a want for something that would bring me happiness.

It may feel that you are in an awful place now, and I don’t doubt that you are, but if you really work on rewiring your brain (which might include medication) then you can get to a better place. What your mind is doing now is running who you are. Just think of that. Some pile of fat inside your skull thinks it can tell you what to do! Well we are bigger than what our brains tell us! It is our conscious that is supreme, not just what a bunch of firing synapses would lead us to believe. Hopefully you can get some inspiration from what I have written because you really do deserve a much better life than the one you are living right now.

 

[MikeyC]

You say you can't reach any goals and you have no life like it's totally final.

I don't know what you're talking about in terms of your past financial error, but examining what you wrote, you said you deceived them, humiliated them, cost them a lot of money and ruined their credit rating. Yet your dad said, "I only want my son back." That's forgiveness. True and honest forgiveness.

Constantly grinding on this mistake will lead nowhere good, and it's already happening. You don't know where to go for happiness. Everything is bleak. And so on.

I would highly recommend taking your parents' offer to pay for you to see the doctor. You said you've still got debts there - tell them. Tell them everything. They obviously love you more than anything, and you're in a dark hole right now, so what is there to lose? Unburdening your mind might actually do you some good.