LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE

[aligurl09]

Hey people. I am 19 years old. As of right now I don't feel extremely depressed, but I would say that I am not currently happy or satisfied with my life. I feel like I just do things and go along with life just to keep other people happy or because I feel as though I have to do it and it is the thing to do. I graduated high school June 2004. As far as my plans for college, I never really did much thinking about where I wanted to go or what I honestly wanted to do. My parents did not put much pressure on me about anything. On the otherhand my grandparents felt as though they needed to be a part of everything. My grandfather used to be a college professor.. and English professor and wanted me to be and English major as well. Possibly even go into education. I did not even know what I wanted to do because I felt as though I was never allowed to think for myself or able to make my own decisions. The summer of 2003 before I entered senior year.. we did tons of traveling and college visiting. Mostly schools I was told to visit.. not schools in which I had a chance to sit down and think about what I wanted and if it was the place for me. So into senior year it came time to apply and figure out where to go. It was not a positive experience for me. Here is why.. i had so much anxiety over the fact that I was getting pressured to apply to a certain number of schools as well as certain schools. My grandfather just did not know when to stop. He always said that he had experience, which is true.. but I want to live my own life. Anways.. I applied to four schools. I got into 3 out of the 4. Also, I was offered scholarships to 2 of them. My grandfather has his heart set on the one I was not offered a scholarship. That wasn't a problem for me.. scholarship or not I had to choose the right one. He thought that one was the right one. Deep down I didn't but time came to choose and I felt rushed and confused and just wanted it all to be over so I just went along with it to make people happy and I didnt even really care either way because I wasn't even sure I liked the others schools I got into. Well.. then I graduate, spend the summer with my hs friends... then its time for college. I didn't want to go. I was confused and told my family I wanted time off to figure everything out.. but it turned into a family fight. My grandparents were screaming at me and thought I need professional help. All in all.. I took the first semester off to figure out what I wanted. Then... for the spring semester I registered to one of the schools that offered me a scholarship and I commuted. I got A's and B's for spring semester and I decided to go there on my own, but my hs friends don't even know that I took the first semester off. It is a huge secret I have to hide from them. Only close family knows... and some family friends along with two friends who didnt go to my hs. The spring semester just flew by and I enjoyed it but I didn't really make any friends. Yeah, lots of new people to talk to, but in the end nobody I am going to keep in touch with. So now.. I am on summer break. My hs friends are home. Some of them. a few are taking summer classes at their schools. I decided to work with a friend.. and I start tomorrow but I didnt even wanna work in the first place. So now I guess I am stuck with the stupid job. What is the point of my post? The point is this~ I am not happy with anything. I don't know what I want to major in, I am tired of being confined to hs friends who make me miserable. I don't even know if the college I am going to is for me or if I am just going there becuase I know I need to go to school and my family pushed me.. I don't know. I am so confused and unhappy. I feel like something is missing. I do not have enjoyment like I used to have with certain friends. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and doing what is expected out of me. I thought about majoring in psyc.. but I realized I don't really wanna do that. I love writing. SO MUCH, but I don't have confidence, I don't think I am a good enough writer to do anything with that so it is holding me back. I just feel in general.. that I am not happy... something is missing and I feel down and bored with everything. My hs friends... they can be annoying. Why? Just because when I am around them I feel like I am being held back. I hate it. I need new experiences and new people in my life not the same old stuff. I don't want to be confined to this. I feel empty inside.. I am not having a life thats fullfilling as of right now. What am I suppossed to do? And I don't wanna work tomorrow I never wanted to work there it was just something to do.. ya know going through the motions again. Ugh. There are other issues going on in my head. my other grandfather died when I was in 9th grade and I never really dealt with it. I ran away from the problem. Avoided the whole entire situation. It was my way of coping. Sometimes i wonder if i am over it.. considering the fact that i never dealt with it in the first place. I tried to be as strong as i could and hide my feelings inside.. I never wanted anyone in my family to know how I was feeling inside I was afraid of being upset.. and afraid of being afraid of his illness. I also think I am not over it because sometimes I think about how things changed and I found myself crying about his death. That was 4 years ago.. and I am just crying about it now? What is wrong with me? I never went to his funeral by the way.. but have been to his grave with family.. but maybe I never got closure? I don't know. I added that part to my post because it goes along with my feeling of emptiness. Another thing.. when I was younger.. I loved to write... to sing.. to listen to music.. I had passions in life, now i don't have anything to look foward to. I do not have onfidence to write or to do anything I love anymore. My best friend, we have been friends since we were 5... told me she thought I wasnt passinate about anything anymore and was wondering why. she knew about the college situation.. and my other friend.. he knew about it too but none of my other friends know and I guess its like this.. they would judge me negatively and my real friends.. they didnt. they wanted to help and support me. they understood me .. whereas these hs friends never would. and never do. i feel down and dont feel like im living. Help.

 

[Angie_05]

There is nothing wrong with not agreeing with your parents/grandparents or whoever over schools, interests, or careers. And it's okay to feel like you don't have a passion yet. But it sounds like you do. You love to write and sing. I love those things too. I have actually decided on a career goal (which is a clinical psychologist) but I wasn't 100% sure until now, and I'm 21. When I was 19, even though that was just 3 years ago, I felt like I had no direction and no passion. I did know that I wanted to fill my head with all the knowledge that I could and travel when I got the money so that I could figure things out. I also had to work on not trying to please my family. Ultimately, it is your decision. Why do you feel like you can't let them down? What's the worst that could happen? You are an adult now. It is perfectly okay to stand your ground and make your own decisions. People will get used to it. If someone doesn't like it it is their problem, they probably have issues underlying that. A lot of times parents try to project their dreams onto us because they have regrets. My suggestion is to get away from those that are making you feel so empty and do what you want. No hesitations. As you start to learn more you will find out what you want and what your passions are. I know that I will move away from this town and my family once I graduate. They know I love them but they also know that I need to be me. I don't want to stay in one place my whole life and feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Sorry for rambling. I just feel like you are just like me until I figured it all out.

 

[aligurl09]

Hey. thank you so much for replying. yeah, i def am confused.. i also feel like how did i get here? im 19 and in college and hs is gone and i dont feel like i am at apoint in my life that i thought i would have been at a few yrs ago and i still have issues from yrs ago i never fully allowed myself to deal with.. idk. its part of growing up, i guess.. but another thing is this: i don't want the job I got.. I already agreed to it, but i feel like I want somethign different for the summer. Everything makes me feel empty inside.. okay now I am going to go.. thanx again for ur advice. bye.

 

[tupac]

im 19 and im not going to collage yet. dunno if i wanna, i mean i wouldnt know what to take either. i dont know what i wanna do, my parents are always telling to do something with my life. they dont understand that you cant just pick something if your hearts not in it. at times i do get concerned because almost everyone i know is in collage or university and i feel like im suposed to be there but i think its just because everybody else just expects you to be going to collage. people are always like why arent you in collage?damn i would love to move somewhere else and live by myself. but i cant cause i gotta help out my family, thats also why i dont really care about collage. once i get a job that i like im just going to stick to it for a while and see what happens after.

 

[Fighter86]

Some advice...

Hey, u seem really confused. Maybe u can share your thoughts with a counseller & u could I don't know, maybe be more focused? To be honest, I did once see a counseller before but didn't felt the session amounted to much. But I know that some might find counselling sessions useful... :wink: While it didn't work for me, I hope it will for you!

 

[Angie_05]

Hey. thank you so much for replying. yeah, i def am confused.. i also feel like how did i get here? im 19 and in college and hs is gone and i dont feel like i am at apoint in my life that i thought i would have been at a few yrs ago and i still have issues from yrs ago i never fully allowed myself to deal with.. idk. its part of growing up, i guess.. but another thing is this: i don't want the job I got.. I already agreed to it, but i feel like I want somethign different for the summer. Everything makes me feel empty inside.. okay now I am going to go.. thanx again for ur advice. bye.

Sounds like you need to quit the job, even though you haven't started. Just call up your boss and say you unfortunately won't be able to work. And if your friends/family asked what happened, either say nothing or tell them you plan on spending your summer differently. The best thing I did was quit my job that was getting me down. Paid well, but sometimes i came home crying and it wasn't worth it.

 

[nicola_maire]

know exactly what u mean !!!

im gonna put my story short, i live in engald so we finish high school at 16. well i didnt get my end of school grades which would get me into college because i didnt go to school in my last year, me and my mate desided no. i was just gonna get a normal job, and then consider maybe redoing my exams. my mum had a go at me sayin i was a failiar and said right ok, you have to get a apretice job. ok i desided hairdressing, never ever even wanted to be that in ym hole life but ok. so i was doing it, (this job led me into AvPd btw) i was so unhappy there, but i kept telling myslef 'well its either this or stacking shelves' liek i was repeating my mums' voice in my head. until i had a panic attack at work 9 months later (i actualy was quitre good at hairdressing) thats when i desided i had to leave this job (i worked for toni and guy if you know the company) so i got another hairdressing apprentice job in my hometown hemel hempstead (ive alwasy been bitter about moving, so basicly i was running back to safeville) till i realised i hate hairdressing, and it was never my choice. so for once in a year ive mad my own choice, im goin to college to go on further to be a phychologist (my life long ambition) suprisingly enough my AvPD has died down dramaticly. have you ever thought as well becasue the school your at wasnt where you wanted to go, subconciously your finding reasons not to like it? i was doing that about hairdressing, i was baeting myslef up for not following my heart. hope my story helped abit

 

[Angie_05]

Re: know exactly what u mean !!!

have you ever thought as well becasue the school your at wasnt where you wanted to go, subconciously your finding reasons not to like it? i was doing that about hairdressing, i was baeting myslef up for not following my heart. hope my story helped abit

The school I go to now was my last choice. I wanted to go to a private school but I am not rich and because my boyfriend went there. So I ended up staying at home with my mom and going to our local university. I felt like I didn't like it at first because I felt like I was settling. But as time has gone on I have really started to like it. I broke up with my boyfriend during the first year. This actually helped. I knew I had the option to leave, but I didn't. I started doing my own thing and really getting into my work. I now participate in Psychology more than I used to and I really feel like an individual. I know that I will move away someday to go to grad school so I see now as just getting my degree done so I can be successful later. And when I say successful, I don't mean rich. I mean HAPPY.