xDreamseller
Well-known member
Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum, although I've been reading it for a few days now. To kick things off, I'll give you all a brief description of my life so far. (Don't worry, it's short. *I just finished writing it...it's longer than I anticipated*)
As a child growing up (sounds weird saying that, as I'm only 19) I was always very shy around new people and authoritative figures, such as teachers. I was a very intelligent child, although I wasn't a nerd. (At least, I felt that way.) In primary school I was on every team my school had. Football, hockey, golf etc. I went to every after school club there was and did plenty of things outside of school too. Boy scouts, tennis coaching etc. I had a handful of friends that I would hang out with outside of school and had a large number of "in school" friends too.
I always thought to myself: "Lots of kids are shy around adults, it's not a problem I have, I'll just grow out of it when I'm older".
After moving to grammar school I was friends with quite a few popular "jock" type kids. We would play a lot of sport, Rugby, football, cricket, tennis, basically anything we could do to pass the time. However, the school streamlines classes after the first two years, so we all got shuffled about into different classes. Gradually, as the years passed by we grew apart and by 5th year, I barely spoke to them.
I had quit most of my sporting teams and my grades were dropping. (They were still "A" grades, just not my best work. I coasted through high school, relying on my natural ability. I did homework in the car on the way to school and never learned test material.) I was feeling more and more shy around people I wasn't friends with and felt an even stronger urge to obey authority. I knew that my problem was getting worse, I just buried my head in the sand. I didn't hang out with the "cool crowd" any longer and eventually I ended up in the "nerd" group. (I hate all the stereotypical nerdy stuff, such as comic books and anime etc. Sorry if that's a generalization, but after spending two years with that group of people, I still don't care for it all)
Skipping to this year, I went to University in September to study Economics, although that was short lived. I was still hanging out with the "nerd" group from school, as we all ended up in the same university. About 15 of us, with only 3-4 heading over to London for university. I'd been hoping that this transition from school to university would have given me the chance to break-out from this group and become me again, but that didn't happen.
I stayed on that course for about 6 weeks and then decided to change course to Computer Science. Unfortunately there were no more places this year, so I have to wait until September this year to start. I moved out of the student housing and back home to my parents. Since that day I haven't been in contact with that group of "friends" since, which is about 6 months now. This has kind of upset me, as they haven't tried to contact me once. I just sort of slipped off into the night and was gone from their memory it seems. It's especially painful as one of them was my girlfriend at a time also. (But she is a different story, for another time. I screwed up the best thing I had...twice.)
Well, that's you up to date on my life. If you didn't read it all (I don't blame you...it was about 10x longer than I thought it would be), just take from it: Started off in life well (slightly shy) to now being terrible in life and a lot more shy.
The trouble with all this is, in my head I'm still that same kid from the beginning, just I feel like there is a mental block somehow that takes control of me as soon as I leave my front door. At home and online I can be myself. I can communicate well and I'm not shy about anything. I listen to any music that's loud and I'm not offended by anything I hear/see. My film collection consists of American Pie and Jackass, with some WW2 stuff thrown in and my gaming collection consists of most of the major FPS games and online poker. Yet when I look in the mirror, I see a shy and timid little boy staring back at me, the complete opposite of my taste in media. Other people at work apologize when they swear in front of me and were taken back when I said I wasn't religious. I've only ever sworn out-loud in front of others once, when I was about 5. Ever since I've only every sworn when I'm either on my own or else in my head...I swear a lot into my head...yet it feels...wrong out lout to someone else.
I feel like I am scared to be me when I am in public, even though one of my favorite hobby's is chatting online. (In games/forums etc, where I'm not scared to be me at all.) I struggle with what to say and always feel awkward.
I also have some form of OCD (I think it's that) where I don't drink things others have been drinking (unless it's a girl I would kiss. Ha. Sounds weird saying it...but yeh. If you see my drink after someone, it means I find them attractive in some way.) This also goes for sharing food and touching skin. I can force a handshake but they seriously freak me out.
Any help/advice on how to get away from this would be great. Even just having somewhere to let my thoughts flow out would be awesome. I would really love to know what caused my shyness in the first place and why I feel so helpless to authority. At work if a manager asks me to do anything, I drop everything I'm doing and go do what they asked, out of fear of disappointing them or doing something wrong.
As a child growing up (sounds weird saying that, as I'm only 19) I was always very shy around new people and authoritative figures, such as teachers. I was a very intelligent child, although I wasn't a nerd. (At least, I felt that way.) In primary school I was on every team my school had. Football, hockey, golf etc. I went to every after school club there was and did plenty of things outside of school too. Boy scouts, tennis coaching etc. I had a handful of friends that I would hang out with outside of school and had a large number of "in school" friends too.
I always thought to myself: "Lots of kids are shy around adults, it's not a problem I have, I'll just grow out of it when I'm older".
After moving to grammar school I was friends with quite a few popular "jock" type kids. We would play a lot of sport, Rugby, football, cricket, tennis, basically anything we could do to pass the time. However, the school streamlines classes after the first two years, so we all got shuffled about into different classes. Gradually, as the years passed by we grew apart and by 5th year, I barely spoke to them.
I had quit most of my sporting teams and my grades were dropping. (They were still "A" grades, just not my best work. I coasted through high school, relying on my natural ability. I did homework in the car on the way to school and never learned test material.) I was feeling more and more shy around people I wasn't friends with and felt an even stronger urge to obey authority. I knew that my problem was getting worse, I just buried my head in the sand. I didn't hang out with the "cool crowd" any longer and eventually I ended up in the "nerd" group. (I hate all the stereotypical nerdy stuff, such as comic books and anime etc. Sorry if that's a generalization, but after spending two years with that group of people, I still don't care for it all)
Skipping to this year, I went to University in September to study Economics, although that was short lived. I was still hanging out with the "nerd" group from school, as we all ended up in the same university. About 15 of us, with only 3-4 heading over to London for university. I'd been hoping that this transition from school to university would have given me the chance to break-out from this group and become me again, but that didn't happen.
I stayed on that course for about 6 weeks and then decided to change course to Computer Science. Unfortunately there were no more places this year, so I have to wait until September this year to start. I moved out of the student housing and back home to my parents. Since that day I haven't been in contact with that group of "friends" since, which is about 6 months now. This has kind of upset me, as they haven't tried to contact me once. I just sort of slipped off into the night and was gone from their memory it seems. It's especially painful as one of them was my girlfriend at a time also. (But she is a different story, for another time. I screwed up the best thing I had...twice.)
Well, that's you up to date on my life. If you didn't read it all (I don't blame you...it was about 10x longer than I thought it would be), just take from it: Started off in life well (slightly shy) to now being terrible in life and a lot more shy.
The trouble with all this is, in my head I'm still that same kid from the beginning, just I feel like there is a mental block somehow that takes control of me as soon as I leave my front door. At home and online I can be myself. I can communicate well and I'm not shy about anything. I listen to any music that's loud and I'm not offended by anything I hear/see. My film collection consists of American Pie and Jackass, with some WW2 stuff thrown in and my gaming collection consists of most of the major FPS games and online poker. Yet when I look in the mirror, I see a shy and timid little boy staring back at me, the complete opposite of my taste in media. Other people at work apologize when they swear in front of me and were taken back when I said I wasn't religious. I've only ever sworn out-loud in front of others once, when I was about 5. Ever since I've only every sworn when I'm either on my own or else in my head...I swear a lot into my head...yet it feels...wrong out lout to someone else.
I feel like I am scared to be me when I am in public, even though one of my favorite hobby's is chatting online. (In games/forums etc, where I'm not scared to be me at all.) I struggle with what to say and always feel awkward.
I also have some form of OCD (I think it's that) where I don't drink things others have been drinking (unless it's a girl I would kiss. Ha. Sounds weird saying it...but yeh. If you see my drink after someone, it means I find them attractive in some way.) This also goes for sharing food and touching skin. I can force a handshake but they seriously freak me out.
Any help/advice on how to get away from this would be great. Even just having somewhere to let my thoughts flow out would be awesome. I would really love to know what caused my shyness in the first place and why I feel so helpless to authority. At work if a manager asks me to do anything, I drop everything I'm doing and go do what they asked, out of fear of disappointing them or doing something wrong.
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