Making Friends?

[AsTimeBurns]

So since I left school I haven't really had any friends. I stayed in touch with 2 people from school, but they're off in other parts of the country enjoying their own lives nowadays, so I barely see them or speak to them.

I have plenty of opportunities to make friends, because I'm at university, I have lectures with lots of different people and I have a job with quite a few people around in it. But I just don't seem to be able to actually make any friends.

For example, some of the people at my work (who all started pretty much the same time as me, and are roughly the same age) get together at the weekends and friday nights and such, but i've never once been invitied. They actually stand there right next to me making these plans and don't even think to ask if i'd like to go.

I do try to be friendly, and I chat to some of them occasionally, but 1 problem (apart from the general shyness and awkwardness) is that I can just never think of anything to say. I just tend to talk about the same sorts of things regardless of the individual, eg:

"How's it going?"
"Got much coursework to do?"
"Doing anything interesting this weekend?"

etc...

I can have long random conversations with the couple of friends I do have when I see them sometimes, eg: over Christmas or Easter holidays, but that's because I've known them for about 10 years so I know pretty much everything about them, so it's easy to talk to them. But with these sorts of people who are co-workers, or people I may not have spoken to much, I find it really difficult.

Plus people tend to comment quite a lot - either to me or behind my back - about how quiet I am, so if I then suddenly started talking to them a lot and being much more social able, i'm sure they'd notice the difference and wonder why I was talking to them all of a sudden. Just making it more awkward,.

So basically...any ideas how to improve this situation?

 

[Heekaru]

You could just ask directly if you can come too? o_o"

 

[madmike]

Sounds like my situation pretty much, except i don't have a job. So the only people i see on a regular basis are my flatmates, a really nice bunch of international students but with whom i can't seem to get any further than greeting and chatting in the kitchen, and in lectures, where i've already established myself as the quiet guy, and anyway, everyone's already in some sort of clique since the first few weeks of uni(I'm in my third year now...)

I think it's really mean though that they make these plans in front of you, i don't think that's normal. Either they're a bunch of dicks, or they don't feel confortable asking you because they don't know where you stand (maybe they think you don't talk much because you already have a perfectly decent social life or something...) If its the second case, i guess the answer is to put yourself more out there and even muster the courage to ask if you can tag along on one of their nights out!

Anyway, good luck. You sound like me to be honest, sort of bordering on social phobia but mostly just shy and unsure of social boundries/afraid of committing some social faux pas. Keep trying with your workmates, i make the mistake of falling into a routine after a short period with all the people i have to meet on a daily basis, instead of seeing it all as a social opportunity.

 

[Minty]

We are very sensitive to rejection, yes. But that's not an SA-thing. That's a human thing we've evolved to have for survival purposes. Your co-workers and peers at school are very sensitive to rejection too. And because you're so quiet, in their minds, the chance of being rejected by you is very, very high. So they don't risk it by asking you to their homes.

We can't blame others for not doing something we don't do ourselves. When is the last time you asked someone if they wanted to go to your party or hang out?

 

[JamesSmith]

I have plenty of opportunities to make friends, because I'm at university, I have lectures with lots of different people and I have a job with quite a few people around in it. But I just don't seem to be able to actually make any friends.

College lecture halls are not always the best place for meeting people. Most of your time spent in a lecture hall is to hear a lecture from the teacher. Class isn't really designed to meet people. I'm not saying you can't meet people in class, it's just not known as a super social place. In some classes, if you talk to others while the teacher is speaking, you wind up in trouble.

Work is a little better place for socializing, but this also depends on where you work. It's great if you have down time on your job when no one is doing anything except talking and not having any work to do, but there are jobs where you are by yourself and working the whole time which would make it very difficult for a shy person to make friends.

My advice is for you to take full advantage of college and join groups and sports teams. Get involved in clubs. These things are designed for students to meet other students.

What you could do at work if you have the guts to do it, is get more aggressive with your conversations. By that I mean ask them what they are doing tonight or on the weekend, and then ask if they mind if you tag along. Or you could ask them if they want to meet you somewhere? When I was working, i had a couple guys ask me this and i didn't think they were weird, i thought they were friendly, and they were friendly it turned out.

I'm not sure if you drink or not, but interestingly enough, that does help in a lot of situations because a lot of people drink. I wouldn't be surprised if some of those conversations you overheard from your co-workers were conversations about how they drank the other night.

It sounds like you aren't very happy with your social situation. So what have you got to lose? It wouldn't hurt to gamble and take some chances like inviting yourself somewhere or trying to bait them into inviting you to where they are hanging out at. I would think the worst that happens is they make up some bs story about why they can't let you hang out with them. Don't worry, that's happened to me b4, and I got over it pretty fast. If they won't let you hang out with them, then they are waste of your time anyway.

 

[Memory]

I have plenty of opportunities to make friends, because I'm at university, I have lectures with lots of different people and I have a job with quite a few people around in it. But I just don't seem to be able to actually make any friends.

I haven't really made any friends and I'm at university. I thought things would be different at university, that somehow making a fresh start where no one knew me would suddenly get rid of my shyness. Pretty stupid eh?

For example, some of the people at my work (who all started pretty much the same time as me, and are roughly the same age) get together at the weekends and friday nights and such, but i've never once been invitied. They actually stand there right next to me making these plans and don't even think to ask if i'd like to go.

I do try to be friendly, and I chat to some of them occasionally, but 1 problem (apart from the general shyness and awkwardness) is that I can just never think of anything to say. I just tend to talk about the same sorts of things regardless of the individual, eg:

"How's it going?"
"Got much coursework to do?"
"Doing anything interesting this weekend?"

etc...

A poster suggested that you just directly ask them if you can go too, but I know how hard that is, or at least for me. Since you can make conversation with them, then maybe write down what you'd like to say, you could put it in a text message so if you do get stuck then you can casually look at your phone and they won't know why. Perhaps, if you're brave enough, organise something yourself? It doesn't have to be anything big, but if you show you're interested in hanging out with them then maybe they'll invite you?

Plus people tend to comment quite a lot - either to me or behind my back - about how quiet I am, so if I then suddenly started talking to them a lot and being much more social able, i'm sure they'd notice the difference and wonder why I was talking to them all of a sudden. Just making it more awkward,.

Oh I know. I wanted to change when I was in sixth form but I thought that this would happen so I was stuck being shy. Then when I came to university, I thought 'yeah, I'll be less shy' but it's a lot easier said than done. Now I'm halfway through my degree and it'd just be awkward and weird if I suddenly became less shy, and let's face it it's not going to happen anyway.

But I think if you gradually start becoming more confident with being around and talking to people, then you can build up your confidence and become a little less shy. Small steps go a long way, or whatever the saying is.