Hi Nanna
Yes I'd say 90% of my life personally has been just that, survival and not living. I think about ending it all almost daily for the last 5 yrs it has been so bad. I have too many issues with things in myself to be one of those go after your passion people though, which in turn leaves me depressed. So anxiety makes me depressed and depression leads to feeling life isn't worth living. A pretty sad way to exsist, really. I do get brief glimpse of what it would be like to be anxiety and depression free sometimes lasting maybe a few mins and they are really special but they are hard to make the reason to be alive.
Hi you ..... <3
I know, it's just bloody hard to be living like this. I also think about ending it very often, actually it's my automatic go-to scenario in my mind, the relief of leaving this life. I don't think I'd ever end it though, I really don't have the guts to do anything that drastic.
I get those glimpses too, I can feel pretty good sometimes, but it doesn't last, and somehow the negative feelings seem more real and stable to me.
I am full of nervosuness and worries every day. And if I go anywhere or do anything, it causes new worries and nervous breakdowns. I can't handle life, basically.
And god I feel so depressed and it feels pointless to do anything. The things I do don't lead to other things, you know what I mean? Pointless isolated activities. Like, 'paint a picture'... why, it doesn't mean anything to me or lead to anything. Or to write a song, why, just to have a song? I feel it's pointless.
The same with frienships or family relations; on the rare occasion that I'm with a person, it is just a few hours of being with a person, it doesn't become a strong connection or friendship, it's weak, it's nothing almost. I might as well never see that person again, we don't have a stable real friendship. Even if I visit someone and stay with them for 2 days, I feel wrong, disconnected, like we're not building anything. Small useless attempts of becoming friends with someone. Why even try??! It's pointless!
And whenever I'm presented with possibilities, it feels like pressure and if I do try, I usually fail. At this point it feels pointless to wake up everyday, eat food, do my laundry, stay alive .... And not even being able to live with a good health, oh no, of course on top of everything else I also have a bad health. But actually I remember when I had a better health, I was just as depressed as now..
Aaaaarrrghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!