Tim001
Well-known member
I’m sorry for the length of this post, I will try to make it as short as possible.
I’ve noticed that there are a lot of posts lately by people who cannot go on or are frustrated to the point that they have given up. I was exactly that way 2 months ago. I was missing a lot of work and simply did not have the energy to carry on. I was angry all the time and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Everything seemed hopeless and each day seemed to bring nothing new. I felt as though I was drowning in my SA and there was no way out. That’s when I sought the help of a professional.
I had been to see psychiatrists in the past, but always felt unfulfilled. It seemed that we could never get to the core reasons for my SA and depression. It seemed that they would steer me towards something that I knew was not really the true cause.
I am now seeing a psychologist that has literally changed my life. I was a little reluctant at first since he was clearly a lot younger than me, but after the first session, I knew that this person really had a feel for what SA truly is.
He made me understand that I am in a state of constant fear. Not a fear of physical harm, but of emotional harm. I learned that what was happening was that I was in a constant defensive mode to protect my very fragile self-esteem. The result of this is that I was never willing to take chances unless I was sure of a positive outcome. I was afraid of making a fool of myself. I bent over backwards to please people because I could not take any form of criticism. Everything I did in my life seemed to be to protect myself from any negative evaluation. He made me see that people with low-self esteem do not have the foundation normal people have. This is likely something which was not fully developed at a young age, for various reasons.
For example, I chose a job where there is no chance of any public speaking obligations. I work like a dog since I could not handle any negative feedback from my superiors. I am scared to speak in a group for fear of evaluation. I do not talk to, much less date, pretty women for fear of rejection- even though I’m ok looking. I avoid starting conversations with strangers to avoid any possibility of a negative response. I fear public speaking since there is a great exposure here and a chance of some sort of negative evaluation. I dress impeccably when I go out to prevent anyone from having any negative thoughts about me. In conversations I agree with everything the other person says, even though it prevents me from voicing my own opinions, simply to avoid any negative evaluation. In short, I crave approval. Everyone must like me. Nothing less will do.
My low self-esteem is also responsible for warping the feedback that I do get. What a normal person may interpret as a neutral comment, I blow it totally out of proportion and interpret it as a horribly negative shot and let it chip away at me.
He made me realize that life is made up of equally positive and negative experiences and that the root of my problem was my low self-esteem. It prevented me from really living and taking chances. A lot of my nervousness is due to anxiety involved with what other people think of me, and the importance that I put on things. He sited an example of giving a speech to a grade 3 class or giving a speech to a room full of your co-workers. Where will you feel the most anxious? Why? It’s because you put much more importance on one than the other.
So now, I need to lower my expectations of myself and deal with the feedback I receive. I need to allow people the opportunity to evaluate and criticise me, deal with it, then move on. The first step is to accept my faults and work on my weaknesses. I need to accept the things I can’t change like looks, intelligence and talent and move on anyway.
I asked if this would mean that people would be walking all over me and he replied that by pleasing everyone all the time, I was allowing others to truly walk all over me. Accepting criticism and not allowing people to get their own way is the opposite of being “walked on”.
He said that accepting criticism was crucial to rebuilding my self-esteem and would not be nearly as bad as the criticism I imagined in my head.
So the moral of this story is that by avoiding performance and possible evaluation, you will never get past the phantom evaluation you give yourself every day.
I plan to implement a few real-life tests soon. I’ll let you know how it goes. Sorry for the long post. See, there I go again, apologising all the time. What I meant to say was that I’m not sorry at all! lol
I’ve noticed that there are a lot of posts lately by people who cannot go on or are frustrated to the point that they have given up. I was exactly that way 2 months ago. I was missing a lot of work and simply did not have the energy to carry on. I was angry all the time and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Everything seemed hopeless and each day seemed to bring nothing new. I felt as though I was drowning in my SA and there was no way out. That’s when I sought the help of a professional.
I had been to see psychiatrists in the past, but always felt unfulfilled. It seemed that we could never get to the core reasons for my SA and depression. It seemed that they would steer me towards something that I knew was not really the true cause.
I am now seeing a psychologist that has literally changed my life. I was a little reluctant at first since he was clearly a lot younger than me, but after the first session, I knew that this person really had a feel for what SA truly is.
He made me understand that I am in a state of constant fear. Not a fear of physical harm, but of emotional harm. I learned that what was happening was that I was in a constant defensive mode to protect my very fragile self-esteem. The result of this is that I was never willing to take chances unless I was sure of a positive outcome. I was afraid of making a fool of myself. I bent over backwards to please people because I could not take any form of criticism. Everything I did in my life seemed to be to protect myself from any negative evaluation. He made me see that people with low-self esteem do not have the foundation normal people have. This is likely something which was not fully developed at a young age, for various reasons.
For example, I chose a job where there is no chance of any public speaking obligations. I work like a dog since I could not handle any negative feedback from my superiors. I am scared to speak in a group for fear of evaluation. I do not talk to, much less date, pretty women for fear of rejection- even though I’m ok looking. I avoid starting conversations with strangers to avoid any possibility of a negative response. I fear public speaking since there is a great exposure here and a chance of some sort of negative evaluation. I dress impeccably when I go out to prevent anyone from having any negative thoughts about me. In conversations I agree with everything the other person says, even though it prevents me from voicing my own opinions, simply to avoid any negative evaluation. In short, I crave approval. Everyone must like me. Nothing less will do.
My low self-esteem is also responsible for warping the feedback that I do get. What a normal person may interpret as a neutral comment, I blow it totally out of proportion and interpret it as a horribly negative shot and let it chip away at me.
He made me realize that life is made up of equally positive and negative experiences and that the root of my problem was my low self-esteem. It prevented me from really living and taking chances. A lot of my nervousness is due to anxiety involved with what other people think of me, and the importance that I put on things. He sited an example of giving a speech to a grade 3 class or giving a speech to a room full of your co-workers. Where will you feel the most anxious? Why? It’s because you put much more importance on one than the other.
So now, I need to lower my expectations of myself and deal with the feedback I receive. I need to allow people the opportunity to evaluate and criticise me, deal with it, then move on. The first step is to accept my faults and work on my weaknesses. I need to accept the things I can’t change like looks, intelligence and talent and move on anyway.
I asked if this would mean that people would be walking all over me and he replied that by pleasing everyone all the time, I was allowing others to truly walk all over me. Accepting criticism and not allowing people to get their own way is the opposite of being “walked on”.
He said that accepting criticism was crucial to rebuilding my self-esteem and would not be nearly as bad as the criticism I imagined in my head.
So the moral of this story is that by avoiding performance and possible evaluation, you will never get past the phantom evaluation you give yourself every day.
I plan to implement a few real-life tests soon. I’ll let you know how it goes. Sorry for the long post. See, there I go again, apologising all the time. What I meant to say was that I’m not sorry at all! lol
Great posistive story :!: :!: :!: with alot of great insight. Thanks 
