My social phobic tale......

[Fighter86]

Hi, I am new here. Have decided to post my story after hearing from so many of u people out there who share the same problem.


So here goes...I suspected that I had social phobia when I was 17. Reflecting back, I hardly had any friends in elementary school or even in high school. The people that I were really closed to can be counted using just 1 hand. I found that it seems that people always disliked me & enjoyed bullying me. When I took a school bus to school, there was this senior that would always torture me with verbal abuse, & people would openly critisize me, even though they didn't state names, it was obvious from their descriptions that it was me that they were talking about.


I dreaded project work as it would mean grouping up with friends, & of course being soo disliked and having no friends, I hated group work. I would always feel anxious when the teacher said 'form your own groups for projects'. I too hated events like fun fair and school celebrations where everything is suppose to be fun as people move around in groups and laugh and play. I would always have to stall for time for the event to finish by hiding in the library, keep going to the toilets...I had pretty much exhausted all the methods of avoidance.


When I left high school, I went ot college & THAT'S when I realised that something was wrong. There was this classmate of my who kept asking me why did I always look so sad, is something wrong? For the record, no, I was not unhappy. But after his persistant questionig, I started to seriously consider his question & found out that I indeed have been feeling unhappy all this while. This was when I started to read up on physcology books & found out that I could be suffering from social phobia, though it did seem like depession initially. However, at that time I was not certain. I only knew that I was very unhappy indeed. I did try to read self help books as well as try yoga in the hopes of improving my moods. And all the times when I had no friends in this school except for this girl made it apparant that something was indeed VERY wrong.


Ultimatly, I left the school without completing the course as 1) my only friend was leaving & I would have no friends in the whole entire school & 2) I did made enemies there. I was simply scared of school at that point. So I took the easy way out, I left.


I went to do a diploma course later. During the course, I was certain that there were some people in my class who disliked me. In fact, I was so frightened that I felt very stress up in class & would feel my body & facial muscles tense up greatly. I knew that my classmates couldn't do anything to harm me & that this fear was irrational. But I was so scared that I felt I was facing a nervous breakdown. Initiall, I started skipping class by claiming that I was sick & went out of my way to different clinics to take MCs. Then, I avoided lessons altogether, & it was only after 3 weeks that I plucked up courage to tell my parents. Not that I had a choice, really. I mean I wasen't go to school, so even if I didn't tell my parents, the school would have called up. It was there & then that I knew I NEEDED HELP.


So, I went for CBT. 6 months on, I am now starting school at a new environment. I have only been to school for 3 days & I feel great levels of stress in my lecture( the 1st one in this new school). Went to take an MC to cover my absence for the other lectures.


God, I don't know what I should do now. I really can't go back to school & I can't simply leave again. After all ,this is my 3RD ATTEMPT at a tietiary education & my parents will definatley not approve of it. They simply don't understand... & besides, this is not what I want...But I just can't imagine being trapped in a lecture room filled with like 70 over people for 2 hours . However, the strange thing is that I did make friends (they are my classmates) & when we are alone, as in when we are at cateen eating lunch or something like that, I feel normal & can be myself! Strange...


I am now considering medication, hypnotheray and even botox(to relax muscles so that when I am stress, my face won't show. I know this sounds drastic(I am only 19 & botox is like for people much older..) but I feel soooo stressed up.


Ok, so this's my story. People out there can feel free to give me comments...


Lastly, I want to let all know that althought this is my 1st posting, I have already read quite a couple of posting by u guys out there & it is encouraging to read about people who face the same fears as me(I thought they were pretty stupid & I found much comfort that there are people who understand these fears) & I LOVE reading the insprational stories. I am so pround of them!

 

[esp]

Hi, keep at the conitive therapy I say, and stick with going to school, you'll feel worse if you give up again. Avoidance is the enemy, my psychologist says! I would steer clear of botox, you need to learn relaxation techniques to relax your muscles. There are probably other people in the class of 70 suffering just like you, did you ever think of that.

 

[marc72]

hey welcome

welcome thanks for writing. Hey I am glad that you make a few friends in your new school. Eventually their friends will become your friends etc... Perhaps since your class is very big , maybe you can go really early to take a favorite seat. You probably do not want to go in when all the people are already in class.
Keep it up with therapy (psychologist). My advice to you is to go to talk therapy and if you wish to take medicine a psychiatrist will prescribe you one starting with low dosage of course.
Keep us up to date.

 

[Fighter86]

Fighter 86 here. Thanks for the feedback & support :lol: . I am trying CBT, but it dosen't seem to be working well. Quite often, I feel overwhelmed, & everything that I learned is blown out the window(thinkin back, its not like I learned a lot...) Do u guys think its that I haven't put in enough effort or should I look for another therapist(this is my 1st one)?

 

[marc72]

well it depends. It depends because if you are not feeling comfortable with therapist style or the therapist in general then feel free to change therapist . However, any type of of skill is going to be hard. The reason why is because you are "re-learning" and "re-thinking" changing of the mind to new and also Doing "opposite action". I learn some skills from what my therapist thought us at Group Therapy called DBT . http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/dbt.html

DBT skill we get a series of assignment each week. Even if we do not do the lesson right, we repeat the lessons during the Next cycle . When the therapist feel it is neccessary, then we graduate. Therfore, it will take time.That is the point I am making to you . I don't know anything about CBT but perhpas others might share. However, I would continue some form of therapy. good luck.

 

[IcanDoIt]

yo fighter, yeah, u r the exact clone of me when i was in a polytechnic.

my first and 2nd years of life there was hell and pain,miserable.

like you, there was also a girl who asked me why i looked so sad, i was utterly embarrased.

then during the holidays before entering the 3rd year, i met with a friend, and that sparked the phenomenal change.

 

[Fighter86]

THANX for support!!!!!!!!!

To marc 72: DBT sounds interesting, though I must admit that I actually haven't heard of it. Just got some medication 2day(Xanax), tried 1 juz now, works quite well, I muz say

To IcanDoIT: Thanx 4 ur suppot. U have no idea how glad I am that some1 out there has been to poly & feel the SAME as me And I like wat u wrote at the bottom 'U can do it', sounded so encouraging!!!!

 

[IcanDoIt]

yes, because I believe, with the right attitude, u can overcome anything lies ahead you. the important attitude: dont give up

yea, i also hid in toilets, libraries, i did not have the money to constantly go to the doc to take MC, so i just did not attend classes, and in the end, got 3 warning letters, and a total of 11 in less than 6 semesters

people and friends thought i was a slacker..so..

yah, i guess u have 2 more years of poly, do something about it, cos poly life is one of the best life experiences if you know how to make full use of it.. gd luck..