Hi, I am new here. Have decided to post my story after hearing from so many of u people out there who share the same problem.
So here goes...I suspected that I had social phobia when I was 17. Reflecting back, I hardly had any friends in elementary school or even in high school. The people that I were really closed to can be counted using just 1 hand. I found that it seems that people always disliked me & enjoyed bullying me. When I took a school bus to school, there was this senior that would always torture me with verbal abuse, & people would openly critisize me, even though they didn't state names, it was obvious from their descriptions that it was me that they were talking about.
I dreaded project work as it would mean grouping up with friends, & of course being soo disliked and having no friends, I hated group work. I would always feel anxious when the teacher said 'form your own groups for projects'. I too hated events like fun fair and school celebrations where everything is suppose to be fun as people move around in groups and laugh and play. I would always have to stall for time for the event to finish by hiding in the library, keep going to the toilets...I had pretty much exhausted all the methods of avoidance.
When I left high school, I went ot college & THAT'S when I realised that something was wrong. There was this classmate of my who kept asking me why did I always look so sad, is something wrong? For the record, no, I was not unhappy. But after his persistant questionig, I started to seriously consider his question & found out that I indeed have been feeling unhappy all this while. This was when I started to read up on physcology books & found out that I could be suffering from social phobia, though it did seem like depession initially. However, at that time I was not certain. I only knew that I was very unhappy indeed. I did try to read self help books as well as try yoga in the hopes of improving my moods. And all the times when I had no friends in this school except for this girl made it apparant that something was indeed VERY wrong.
Ultimatly, I left the school without completing the course as 1) my only friend was leaving & I would have no friends in the whole entire school & 2) I did made enemies there. I was simply scared of school at that point. So I took the easy way out, I left.
I went to do a diploma course later. During the course, I was certain that there were some people in my class who disliked me. In fact, I was so frightened that I felt very stress up in class & would feel my body & facial muscles tense up greatly. I knew that my classmates couldn't do anything to harm me & that this fear was irrational. But I was so scared that I felt I was facing a nervous breakdown. Initiall, I started skipping class by claiming that I was sick & went out of my way to different clinics to take MCs. Then, I avoided lessons altogether, & it was only after 3 weeks that I plucked up courage to tell my parents. Not that I had a choice, really. I mean I wasen't go to school, so even if I didn't tell my parents, the school would have called up. It was there & then that I knew I NEEDED HELP.
So, I went for CBT. 6 months on, I am now starting school at a new environment. I have only been to school for 3 days & I feel great levels of stress in my lecture( the 1st one in this new school). Went to take an MC to cover my absence for the other lectures.
God, I don't know what I should do now. I really can't go back to school & I can't simply leave again. After all ,this is my 3RD ATTEMPT at a tietiary education & my parents will definatley not approve of it. They simply don't understand... & besides, this is not what I want...But I just can't imagine being trapped in a lecture room filled with like 70 over people for 2 hours . However, the strange thing is that I did make friends (they are my classmates) & when we are alone, as in when we are at cateen eating lunch or something like that, I feel normal & can be myself! Strange...
I am now considering medication, hypnotheray and even botox(to relax muscles so that when I am stress, my face won't show. I know this sounds drastic(I am only 19 & botox is like for people much older..) but I feel soooo stressed up.
Ok, so this's my story. People out there can feel free to give me comments...
Lastly, I want to let all know that althought this is my 1st posting, I have already read quite a couple of posting by u guys out there & it is encouraging to read about people who face the same fears as me(I thought they were pretty stupid & I found much comfort that there are people who understand these fears) & I LOVE reading the insprational stories. I am so pround of them!
So here goes...I suspected that I had social phobia when I was 17. Reflecting back, I hardly had any friends in elementary school or even in high school. The people that I were really closed to can be counted using just 1 hand. I found that it seems that people always disliked me & enjoyed bullying me. When I took a school bus to school, there was this senior that would always torture me with verbal abuse, & people would openly critisize me, even though they didn't state names, it was obvious from their descriptions that it was me that they were talking about.
I dreaded project work as it would mean grouping up with friends, & of course being soo disliked and having no friends, I hated group work. I would always feel anxious when the teacher said 'form your own groups for projects'. I too hated events like fun fair and school celebrations where everything is suppose to be fun as people move around in groups and laugh and play. I would always have to stall for time for the event to finish by hiding in the library, keep going to the toilets...I had pretty much exhausted all the methods of avoidance.
When I left high school, I went ot college & THAT'S when I realised that something was wrong. There was this classmate of my who kept asking me why did I always look so sad, is something wrong? For the record, no, I was not unhappy. But after his persistant questionig, I started to seriously consider his question & found out that I indeed have been feeling unhappy all this while. This was when I started to read up on physcology books & found out that I could be suffering from social phobia, though it did seem like depession initially. However, at that time I was not certain. I only knew that I was very unhappy indeed. I did try to read self help books as well as try yoga in the hopes of improving my moods. And all the times when I had no friends in this school except for this girl made it apparant that something was indeed VERY wrong.
Ultimatly, I left the school without completing the course as 1) my only friend was leaving & I would have no friends in the whole entire school & 2) I did made enemies there. I was simply scared of school at that point. So I took the easy way out, I left.
I went to do a diploma course later. During the course, I was certain that there were some people in my class who disliked me. In fact, I was so frightened that I felt very stress up in class & would feel my body & facial muscles tense up greatly. I knew that my classmates couldn't do anything to harm me & that this fear was irrational. But I was so scared that I felt I was facing a nervous breakdown. Initiall, I started skipping class by claiming that I was sick & went out of my way to different clinics to take MCs. Then, I avoided lessons altogether, & it was only after 3 weeks that I plucked up courage to tell my parents. Not that I had a choice, really. I mean I wasen't go to school, so even if I didn't tell my parents, the school would have called up. It was there & then that I knew I NEEDED HELP.
So, I went for CBT. 6 months on, I am now starting school at a new environment. I have only been to school for 3 days & I feel great levels of stress in my lecture( the 1st one in this new school). Went to take an MC to cover my absence for the other lectures.
God, I don't know what I should do now. I really can't go back to school & I can't simply leave again. After all ,this is my 3RD ATTEMPT at a tietiary education & my parents will definatley not approve of it. They simply don't understand... & besides, this is not what I want...But I just can't imagine being trapped in a lecture room filled with like 70 over people for 2 hours . However, the strange thing is that I did make friends (they are my classmates) & when we are alone, as in when we are at cateen eating lunch or something like that, I feel normal & can be myself! Strange...
I am now considering medication, hypnotheray and even botox(to relax muscles so that when I am stress, my face won't show. I know this sounds drastic(I am only 19 & botox is like for people much older..) but I feel soooo stressed up.
Ok, so this's my story. People out there can feel free to give me comments...
Lastly, I want to let all know that althought this is my 1st posting, I have already read quite a couple of posting by u guys out there & it is encouraging to read about people who face the same fears as me(I thought they were pretty stupid & I found much comfort that there are people who understand these fears) & I LOVE reading the insprational stories. I am so pround of them!