Disco
Member
Hello everyone. Im a 17 (lets just call it 18 ) year old sufferer of Agoraphobia from the UK. Been completely house bound for a year now. I want to tell you my story from the beginning. Sorry if this ends up very long hehe.
Anyway where to start? So much to say.. I suppose I can start with Primary School. I have always been terrified of the school enviroment since starting as a 4 year old. Everything about it scared me. The corridoors, teachers. I was completely fine outside of school. Maybe a little shy but I would enjoy going out, meeting people, doing things. Then secondary school arrived. I was terrified of meeting my new classmates, teachers and the independence that was going to happen to me. For instance going to school by myself on the bus. Basically growing up. Anyway im going to write now the things that I think have lead to my agoraphobia..
Bullying- I was a very gentle teenager. I started getting severely bullied to the point I was faking illness to get days of school. The verbal and physical abuse I would get. I was scared. I was depressed. I wanted to end my life at the time.
My sexuality- I would get gay insults all the time. When I realised that I was actually gay I became terrified. The people around me at school, I never dreamed of telling anyone. I would have got beaten up to the point of death. I also felt ashamed of myself (which I can asure you I no longer feel now. Im proud of who I am)
My health problem- I have IBS which means when im about to go out I get terrible stomach pains and the runs. It's all mind controlled but I could not help it. If I know im about to go out, just before I leave the house id get pain. I have had nightmare scenarios of being out with no toilets before. I also have (or have diognosed myself with) M E. I become very tired at random times like mid day. However im not sure if this is due to me just being in the house all day, not really moving. My mum suffers also with both IBS and really bad M E.
Family problem- A few years ago ill admit, I hated my father. When I was younger I thought he was horrible, lazy and I really despised him. So did my mother and brother. He had been out of work for 5 years after his old job (he had a special profession) no longer needed him. His father died (I think) just after he lost his job. I did'nt at the time realise what a huge effect this had on his life. His bad temper and mood swings were because of the tragic loss of his dad. My mother and I both agreed on the decision that she would ask him to leave. That was two years ago. The house feels a much nicer place now. But since hes moved out (back with his mother who lives very far away) he seems a changed man. Hes working, he has to look after his sisters two children and is apparently very good with them. At first I was angry with his sudden change. Why could he not be like that here? He now visits us about every 5 months for a week. I really and I mean REALLY enjoy it when he comes. My mum does to. He has changed and we have a really enjoyable time. I actually wish he lived with us again. I feel he could help me get over my phobia (especially since he can actually drive now).
Anyway, heres another huge, terrible, regretable event that happened in my life that has lead me to the state im in today. This happened half way through year 8 or 9 of highschool (can't remember) As I said before I was bullied. One morning walking in to school I had my first ever panic attack. Walking under the bridge to school. I phoned my Mum and told her that id been sick. I didnt want her to know what was happening. I was ashamed. I walked all the way home (a few miles) passing people from my class making their way into school. I just ran past them all. Once home I was in bits.. Lucky for me it was the schools week holiday the following day. When it was my first day back at school and I was about to leave the house I suffered another panic attack. My mum knew that something wasnt right. She let me have another day off. Anyway to cut a long story short, what followed was me being off school for 3 months, my mother being threatend by the courts and me starting to self harm myself for a month. All the stress I put on my mother I still cant forgive myself for it. Shes is the most kind, nicest woman in the world and she never deserved to go to hell and back. She eventually managed to secure a place in a very limited home tuition service for me. I was terrified even starting that but someone came to our house for a meeting and gave us some plans. The first half of the year, I was to be home tutored. Then after that I would come to a small center to have lessons. Each class having 4 or 5 pupils. My home lessons were amazing. I loved my teachers. I had my sats exams (at home) and my results were apparently the best they have ever had in the center. And my teachers loved their days with me. Most pupils they have to deal with had been exspelled from their schools and were very badly behaved. I was the complete opposite. At this time I was still going out maybe once, twice a week. Shopping (hehe) and getting therapy. Then I was told I had to come to the center for my lessons as time was up. I braved the first day and arrived. Soon as I arrived I went to the toilet. I was in there for half an hour. I then came out and suffered a huge panic attack. I will never forget how embarassed I was. I was collapsed on a fence in tears, shaking, with teachers I knew comforting me and pupils id yet to meet just staring at me. My mother took me home. I was still in shock the whole bus journy. Then another problem arrised. I could not go to the center. I was just so frightend and im actually now trying to think why and I honestly don't know. My mum then had another 6 months of worry as I was out of school. She managed eventually to get me back onto home tutoring again which I did happily again for another year. Then comes one of my biggest shames and regrets in my life. GCSE's were coming up. They HAD to be taken in the center. It played on my mind for weeks. My teacher desperately trying to convince me to just come to the center. I did'nt. I have no GCSE's. I feel sick just thinking about it now. It's one of the things that upsets me the most. I really have messed up my early life.
Anyway it was after that I really went downhill. I now had no support from anyone except from my loving mother. Slowly, slowly I started going out less. maybe once a month to the supermarket until it has now got to the point that I have not left my front door for about a year. I think my fears are the shame I feel of myself. Im terrified of bumping into neighbours and people I know. How they would react to me or what would I say to them. That is actually my biggest fear. Another thing thats stopping me is my....
Appearance. All my life I was picked on for being "to gay" and that was before I even flipping knew I WAS gay. There was a time I thought I was ugly but that was because I was told I was ugly by bullies who were really the ugly ones. I had no confidence. Im now incredibly happy with the canvas god gave me. I can actually say I love my face. I have a very androgynous look going which is really me, which is what I love. I have learnt to accept that. I have long brown hair which is something else im worried about. Peoples reaction when they see the huge change ive undergone in two years. Again im scared about what to say to people and what they will think. I said im happy with my canvas, thats because im not happy about the acne I keep getting. It really puts me down. Embarrassing. Overall though when I get over my little, really not that bad at all spot problem, appearance wise I will feel very happy with my face and body. Another thing is my clothes. Im very fashion minded and to me the rather old clothes im wearing I hate. I have been revamping my wardrobe recently to be more me. Thank god for my rather fashionable mother who knows how to shop haha!!
Although I have not stepped out my front door for a year, I have been in my garden this summer, ALOT! Ive gone a golden brown colour. I love the fresh air and the sun. Im actually not afraid of the world, just it's people. I have to make my mum hang a large sheet on the clothes line every time we go out so as next door can't see me. I feel really silly. Never the less im so happy I can manage to go into my garden. It makes me feel healthy and more happy. Oh and this has happened in the last three months to so it's like a first step.
Im on benefits. The weirdest thing is I did not have to speak to one person to be put on them. My mum did every single phone call and managed it. In an ideal situation I would not be on them. It just had to be done as my mums child support stopped and she would not have been able to pay the bills. In an ideal world id be working right now!! Im worried about being on benefits. I feel useless and im also worried about how im going to stop them. I wish I had my GCSE's. Id be so much less worried. When I do beat this phobia, how am I going to get back into normal life, with a job, without people knowing I messed up my school years?
The only people I can speak to are my Mum, brother, Granparents and dad. I can't pick up the phone or answer it. If my mum rings when shes out she rings once, waits a second then redials so I know it's her and can pick it up..
I have however made friends through playing video games on xbox live. I think if it wasnt for them I don't know what id be like. Really depressed probably. I speak to them on a microphone and they love me. My true personallity comes out when im speaking with them. Im loud, fun and really, really chatty. The complete opposite of how I was at school. These people don't know anything about my life and when I talk to them I forget about my problems. At heart im a completely perfectly normal person of whom if I was stronger at school, fought my problems, id be leading a normal life right now probably at some kind of fashion or music college doing what I want with my life. If like Cher I could "turn back time" I would have given those bullies a good bitch slap and said you know what? You can kiss my booty cause you aint putting me down. Unfortunately that can't happen but I am now much stronger inside.. It's just im in a mess.
I don't know where to go from here. Ive got no help from doctors and don't think I could see someone even in my home. My mum has been going to see someone though who gives her help. What makes matters worse is that my younger brother is now having home lessons to. He has special needs and very bad behaviour due to a condition (forgot the name). He however never swears which just show what a good mum my mother actually was. She was just unlucky to get two children with deep problems. My brother just acts in a very rude, cocky way. He will never say sorry even he leaves like a light on or leaves the fridge open. Gives back the most stupid arguements with a really aggresive (high pitched) voice. And lies all the time. I really hate the way he treats her but my mum says it's his condition.
In my head im a normal person. I dream of living a normal life. Meeting people, working. I will somehow make something of myself. People have much better reasons for their agraphobia than I do. I feel it's completely my fault I let it get this far. I will make something of my life and I want to do it by the end of this year.
Im so sorry about my HUGE post. I just needed to let it all go. Im so pleased I found this site. I don't feel ashamed talking to you lot about it as we all have the same problem (maybe different extremes but still the same phobia). I look forward to chatting to you all with posts not as long as this one in future!!!! :roll:
Anyway where to start? So much to say.. I suppose I can start with Primary School. I have always been terrified of the school enviroment since starting as a 4 year old. Everything about it scared me. The corridoors, teachers. I was completely fine outside of school. Maybe a little shy but I would enjoy going out, meeting people, doing things. Then secondary school arrived. I was terrified of meeting my new classmates, teachers and the independence that was going to happen to me. For instance going to school by myself on the bus. Basically growing up. Anyway im going to write now the things that I think have lead to my agoraphobia..
Bullying- I was a very gentle teenager. I started getting severely bullied to the point I was faking illness to get days of school. The verbal and physical abuse I would get. I was scared. I was depressed. I wanted to end my life at the time.
My sexuality- I would get gay insults all the time. When I realised that I was actually gay I became terrified. The people around me at school, I never dreamed of telling anyone. I would have got beaten up to the point of death. I also felt ashamed of myself (which I can asure you I no longer feel now. Im proud of who I am)
My health problem- I have IBS which means when im about to go out I get terrible stomach pains and the runs. It's all mind controlled but I could not help it. If I know im about to go out, just before I leave the house id get pain. I have had nightmare scenarios of being out with no toilets before. I also have (or have diognosed myself with) M E. I become very tired at random times like mid day. However im not sure if this is due to me just being in the house all day, not really moving. My mum suffers also with both IBS and really bad M E.
Family problem- A few years ago ill admit, I hated my father. When I was younger I thought he was horrible, lazy and I really despised him. So did my mother and brother. He had been out of work for 5 years after his old job (he had a special profession) no longer needed him. His father died (I think) just after he lost his job. I did'nt at the time realise what a huge effect this had on his life. His bad temper and mood swings were because of the tragic loss of his dad. My mother and I both agreed on the decision that she would ask him to leave. That was two years ago. The house feels a much nicer place now. But since hes moved out (back with his mother who lives very far away) he seems a changed man. Hes working, he has to look after his sisters two children and is apparently very good with them. At first I was angry with his sudden change. Why could he not be like that here? He now visits us about every 5 months for a week. I really and I mean REALLY enjoy it when he comes. My mum does to. He has changed and we have a really enjoyable time. I actually wish he lived with us again. I feel he could help me get over my phobia (especially since he can actually drive now).
Anyway, heres another huge, terrible, regretable event that happened in my life that has lead me to the state im in today. This happened half way through year 8 or 9 of highschool (can't remember) As I said before I was bullied. One morning walking in to school I had my first ever panic attack. Walking under the bridge to school. I phoned my Mum and told her that id been sick. I didnt want her to know what was happening. I was ashamed. I walked all the way home (a few miles) passing people from my class making their way into school. I just ran past them all. Once home I was in bits.. Lucky for me it was the schools week holiday the following day. When it was my first day back at school and I was about to leave the house I suffered another panic attack. My mum knew that something wasnt right. She let me have another day off. Anyway to cut a long story short, what followed was me being off school for 3 months, my mother being threatend by the courts and me starting to self harm myself for a month. All the stress I put on my mother I still cant forgive myself for it. Shes is the most kind, nicest woman in the world and she never deserved to go to hell and back. She eventually managed to secure a place in a very limited home tuition service for me. I was terrified even starting that but someone came to our house for a meeting and gave us some plans. The first half of the year, I was to be home tutored. Then after that I would come to a small center to have lessons. Each class having 4 or 5 pupils. My home lessons were amazing. I loved my teachers. I had my sats exams (at home) and my results were apparently the best they have ever had in the center. And my teachers loved their days with me. Most pupils they have to deal with had been exspelled from their schools and were very badly behaved. I was the complete opposite. At this time I was still going out maybe once, twice a week. Shopping (hehe) and getting therapy. Then I was told I had to come to the center for my lessons as time was up. I braved the first day and arrived. Soon as I arrived I went to the toilet. I was in there for half an hour. I then came out and suffered a huge panic attack. I will never forget how embarassed I was. I was collapsed on a fence in tears, shaking, with teachers I knew comforting me and pupils id yet to meet just staring at me. My mother took me home. I was still in shock the whole bus journy. Then another problem arrised. I could not go to the center. I was just so frightend and im actually now trying to think why and I honestly don't know. My mum then had another 6 months of worry as I was out of school. She managed eventually to get me back onto home tutoring again which I did happily again for another year. Then comes one of my biggest shames and regrets in my life. GCSE's were coming up. They HAD to be taken in the center. It played on my mind for weeks. My teacher desperately trying to convince me to just come to the center. I did'nt. I have no GCSE's. I feel sick just thinking about it now. It's one of the things that upsets me the most. I really have messed up my early life.
Anyway it was after that I really went downhill. I now had no support from anyone except from my loving mother. Slowly, slowly I started going out less. maybe once a month to the supermarket until it has now got to the point that I have not left my front door for about a year. I think my fears are the shame I feel of myself. Im terrified of bumping into neighbours and people I know. How they would react to me or what would I say to them. That is actually my biggest fear. Another thing thats stopping me is my....
Appearance. All my life I was picked on for being "to gay" and that was before I even flipping knew I WAS gay. There was a time I thought I was ugly but that was because I was told I was ugly by bullies who were really the ugly ones. I had no confidence. Im now incredibly happy with the canvas god gave me. I can actually say I love my face. I have a very androgynous look going which is really me, which is what I love. I have learnt to accept that. I have long brown hair which is something else im worried about. Peoples reaction when they see the huge change ive undergone in two years. Again im scared about what to say to people and what they will think. I said im happy with my canvas, thats because im not happy about the acne I keep getting. It really puts me down. Embarrassing. Overall though when I get over my little, really not that bad at all spot problem, appearance wise I will feel very happy with my face and body. Another thing is my clothes. Im very fashion minded and to me the rather old clothes im wearing I hate. I have been revamping my wardrobe recently to be more me. Thank god for my rather fashionable mother who knows how to shop haha!!
Although I have not stepped out my front door for a year, I have been in my garden this summer, ALOT! Ive gone a golden brown colour. I love the fresh air and the sun. Im actually not afraid of the world, just it's people. I have to make my mum hang a large sheet on the clothes line every time we go out so as next door can't see me. I feel really silly. Never the less im so happy I can manage to go into my garden. It makes me feel healthy and more happy. Oh and this has happened in the last three months to so it's like a first step.
Im on benefits. The weirdest thing is I did not have to speak to one person to be put on them. My mum did every single phone call and managed it. In an ideal situation I would not be on them. It just had to be done as my mums child support stopped and she would not have been able to pay the bills. In an ideal world id be working right now!! Im worried about being on benefits. I feel useless and im also worried about how im going to stop them. I wish I had my GCSE's. Id be so much less worried. When I do beat this phobia, how am I going to get back into normal life, with a job, without people knowing I messed up my school years?
The only people I can speak to are my Mum, brother, Granparents and dad. I can't pick up the phone or answer it. If my mum rings when shes out she rings once, waits a second then redials so I know it's her and can pick it up..
I have however made friends through playing video games on xbox live. I think if it wasnt for them I don't know what id be like. Really depressed probably. I speak to them on a microphone and they love me. My true personallity comes out when im speaking with them. Im loud, fun and really, really chatty. The complete opposite of how I was at school. These people don't know anything about my life and when I talk to them I forget about my problems. At heart im a completely perfectly normal person of whom if I was stronger at school, fought my problems, id be leading a normal life right now probably at some kind of fashion or music college doing what I want with my life. If like Cher I could "turn back time" I would have given those bullies a good bitch slap and said you know what? You can kiss my booty cause you aint putting me down. Unfortunately that can't happen but I am now much stronger inside.. It's just im in a mess.
I don't know where to go from here. Ive got no help from doctors and don't think I could see someone even in my home. My mum has been going to see someone though who gives her help. What makes matters worse is that my younger brother is now having home lessons to. He has special needs and very bad behaviour due to a condition (forgot the name). He however never swears which just show what a good mum my mother actually was. She was just unlucky to get two children with deep problems. My brother just acts in a very rude, cocky way. He will never say sorry even he leaves like a light on or leaves the fridge open. Gives back the most stupid arguements with a really aggresive (high pitched) voice. And lies all the time. I really hate the way he treats her but my mum says it's his condition.
In my head im a normal person. I dream of living a normal life. Meeting people, working. I will somehow make something of myself. People have much better reasons for their agraphobia than I do. I feel it's completely my fault I let it get this far. I will make something of my life and I want to do it by the end of this year.
Im so sorry about my HUGE post. I just needed to let it all go. Im so pleased I found this site. I don't feel ashamed talking to you lot about it as we all have the same problem (maybe different extremes but still the same phobia). I look forward to chatting to you all with posts not as long as this one in future!!!! :roll:
,I can also relate to alot of what you said,the part about school,I would be verbally bullied,because I was sensitive and gentle easy target and look kinda different,they would also call me gay because I would avoid girls that liked me,ended up dropping out ,and is one of the things I regret the most.