scissorhands
Well-known member
I wrote this and intend to give it to my doctor as my way of asking for help. I feel writing it down explains it much better than I could in person.
Can anyone relate to any of this?
Places I feel social anxiety:
School (extremely high), workplaces, around my girlfriend’s parents who I live with and have lived with for five years, meeting new peers, and sometimes even going to the barber or entering a store
Example:
At school I feel tense and on my guard. I arrive to classes 25 minutes early to avoid walking in when the class is full, because I would feel as if everyone was staring at me and judging me, which causes me to not even be able to walk smoothly. I look for the least noticeable place to sit and sit alone.
Several weeks ago in a class, when it became known that each student would present an idea to the class I became incredibly anxious, as I was unable to avoid it by not showing up and getting up to leave upon this announcement would draw attention and judgment as well. That I would be presenting an idea which expresses my personal thoughts and opinions made it worse then if I were to present something factual. My heart pounded and palpitated, and I trembled and fidgeted and couldn’t sit still. I could not think of what to say because my mind was racing thinking of what everyone was thinking (why is he so nervous, it’s only a presentation, he’s in his third year why’s he still afraid, what’s his problem, there’s something wrong with him, he never talks I bet he has a stupid voice, he is such a chicken, is he a girl why’s he so shy, he’s too shy, he’s too quiet, he must be gay) and worrying about how I would appear. I know these thoughts are irrational away from the situation but at the time they feel very plausible. These thoughts made it worst for me and increased the visual signs of my discomfort (shaking, nervous twitching, turning red, etc), which increased the thoughts. I feel each week I go to school my anxiety is higher because these things feed off each other. I am extremely uncomfortable just going and have to force myself to go. Every day I have to go to school is a living nightmare. Every day of my life has become a nightmare. My life is controlled by this fear and anxiety. Sometimes I even put myself down in the mirror about it before heading into a situation because I know how ridiculous it is. “What the hell is wrong with you? Just go. Stop being a coward. Just open your mouth. No one’s making fun of you!”
When I finally spoke I had rehearsed something simple clearly in my mind because I knew I would not be able to think. I rehashed the quick sentence I had planned on. My voice shoke at first and I got a lump in my throat. I spoke rapidly and mashed words and sentences together uncontrollably and was unable to pronounce words. The presentation only lasted under a minute and then I stopped and stood frozen, unable to think. I dwelled on the fact that they knew I was nervous. Then the questions began. I was unable to think and gave quick stupid answers hoping for them to move on to the next presentation. I believe that I came off as rude and stupid. I felt that the professor thinks I am disinterested in the class and has since given me lower grades. My peers likely began to question how someone with so little to say, and such little thoughts to contribute, even got accepted into University. I never speak in class because of this fear, and realize that people may think I am uninterested, stupid, weird, stuck-up, or a jerk, but I would rather them think these things then speak up and have everyone know I am afraid. I feel because of my intense anxiety in social situations that I frequently misrepresent myself as less intelligent and less interested than I really am. This costs me friends, jobs, and leads to no one really understanding who I am.
When a break was given after a few more presentations I left and didn’t return. I needed my body and mind to calm down as everything was racing. My heart was still pounding uncontrollably. I felt humiliated (and knowing that everyone now knew how nervous I was makes the thoughts even worse when I return for the next class). As I calmed down I experienced heavy breathing and slight gasping. I had a nightmare about the experience that night, and have had nightmares about future presentations since. I always opt to sacrifice marks rather then speak in class. Participation marks I consider to be lost marks and work extra hard on all other assignments to make them up.
Recently, I emailed another professor and requested to do an essay instead of a presentation which she accepted. But now I feel even more anxiety and discomfort in that class because I feel that she thinks I am a coward, a wuss, stupid, apathetic, etc. I feel like she is seeking me out in the class now, to see what such a pathetic person looks like. Away from these situations, I know I am exaggerating the risks a great deal and that they are completely irrational, but as much as I tell myself this the thoughts rush in when in the situations. Everyday when I return from school I feel extremely depressed and deflated, like someone has been beating at my self esteem all day long with a sack of bricks.
Related History and Information:
I have always felt abnormally shy, uncomfortable, and anxious in social situations. I always knew that there was something wrong with me and that there was something inside my mind that I had to overcome. I have been trying my entire life to beat this problem but am now twenty four years old and feel like I need help in doing it as nothing I do on my own is working. When it is unavoidable I simply do not speak, speak very little only when directly spoken to, distract myself (with a book or headphones), or act according to how I think they will accept me. With a friend in the same situation I feel more at ease. For this reason if I must enter situations I anticipate to be uncomfortable, I aim to bring a friend.
The most severe situations for me occur in classes where I am likely to be called upon. Second to school is workplaces, where I speak only when it is work related, and avoid personal discussions with coworkers by never entering lunchrooms, staff rooms, etc. Because I say very little and do not make friendships, I feel my work goes unrecognized and everyone thinks I am stupid. I do not usually last over a year at a job, because I get angry, depressed, and generally dread going and eventually quit to find a new job to attempt to start fresh. Often I try to fake being social at first but I feel fake, like they are going to figure me out, and very quickly fall back into my old habits of avoidance.
In secondary school, a group of peers selected me to relentlessly tease on a daily basis, each year getting worse. They created a pet name for me which stuck for a very long time. Since I lived in a small town, anywhere I went they were there to taunt me, yelling from car windows as I walked through town, entering my workplace to harass me, sending others in who I never even knew or recognized to call me insults, etc. Since they would recruit others at random to taunt me with these names in all areas of my life, I became very paranoid and suspicious of everyone, and the number of people who would call me these names grew like a virus. I never knew who the names would come from next. I moved away a year after high school, partly because of this, and am in my third year of University, where I avoid all social situations and do not have any friends, not because I have failed at making them but because I have avoided any opportunity to do so. I rarely trust anyone, believing everyone to be capable of doing what my harrassers did to me.
My mother also suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (and is medicated with Effexor), leading me to believe that my Social Anxiety has been caused by a combination of genetic inheritance, observing my mother’s habits, and the negative and scarring experiences of my teenage years.
I strongly feel that Social Anxiety restricts me from doing things in my life that I want to do. There is a war in my mind every day when I am in these situations and it negatively affects my life and my health. I am never completely at ease or fully feel like myself unless I am entirely alone. I always feel as though I am wearing a mask around anyone I speak to. The more I have to wear these masks the more I feel like I lose myself and becoming who I really am becomes further and further away. I feel incredibly alone and trapped inside my mind all the time.
I have tried many things over the years to cope with this problem, including breathing exercises, attempting to change my thought patterns, and mental exercises (exposure to social situations, and analyzing afterwards if my fears were realized), but I do not feel any of this has helped.
Can anyone relate to any of this?
Places I feel social anxiety:
School (extremely high), workplaces, around my girlfriend’s parents who I live with and have lived with for five years, meeting new peers, and sometimes even going to the barber or entering a store
Example:
At school I feel tense and on my guard. I arrive to classes 25 minutes early to avoid walking in when the class is full, because I would feel as if everyone was staring at me and judging me, which causes me to not even be able to walk smoothly. I look for the least noticeable place to sit and sit alone.
Several weeks ago in a class, when it became known that each student would present an idea to the class I became incredibly anxious, as I was unable to avoid it by not showing up and getting up to leave upon this announcement would draw attention and judgment as well. That I would be presenting an idea which expresses my personal thoughts and opinions made it worse then if I were to present something factual. My heart pounded and palpitated, and I trembled and fidgeted and couldn’t sit still. I could not think of what to say because my mind was racing thinking of what everyone was thinking (why is he so nervous, it’s only a presentation, he’s in his third year why’s he still afraid, what’s his problem, there’s something wrong with him, he never talks I bet he has a stupid voice, he is such a chicken, is he a girl why’s he so shy, he’s too shy, he’s too quiet, he must be gay) and worrying about how I would appear. I know these thoughts are irrational away from the situation but at the time they feel very plausible. These thoughts made it worst for me and increased the visual signs of my discomfort (shaking, nervous twitching, turning red, etc), which increased the thoughts. I feel each week I go to school my anxiety is higher because these things feed off each other. I am extremely uncomfortable just going and have to force myself to go. Every day I have to go to school is a living nightmare. Every day of my life has become a nightmare. My life is controlled by this fear and anxiety. Sometimes I even put myself down in the mirror about it before heading into a situation because I know how ridiculous it is. “What the hell is wrong with you? Just go. Stop being a coward. Just open your mouth. No one’s making fun of you!”
When I finally spoke I had rehearsed something simple clearly in my mind because I knew I would not be able to think. I rehashed the quick sentence I had planned on. My voice shoke at first and I got a lump in my throat. I spoke rapidly and mashed words and sentences together uncontrollably and was unable to pronounce words. The presentation only lasted under a minute and then I stopped and stood frozen, unable to think. I dwelled on the fact that they knew I was nervous. Then the questions began. I was unable to think and gave quick stupid answers hoping for them to move on to the next presentation. I believe that I came off as rude and stupid. I felt that the professor thinks I am disinterested in the class and has since given me lower grades. My peers likely began to question how someone with so little to say, and such little thoughts to contribute, even got accepted into University. I never speak in class because of this fear, and realize that people may think I am uninterested, stupid, weird, stuck-up, or a jerk, but I would rather them think these things then speak up and have everyone know I am afraid. I feel because of my intense anxiety in social situations that I frequently misrepresent myself as less intelligent and less interested than I really am. This costs me friends, jobs, and leads to no one really understanding who I am.
When a break was given after a few more presentations I left and didn’t return. I needed my body and mind to calm down as everything was racing. My heart was still pounding uncontrollably. I felt humiliated (and knowing that everyone now knew how nervous I was makes the thoughts even worse when I return for the next class). As I calmed down I experienced heavy breathing and slight gasping. I had a nightmare about the experience that night, and have had nightmares about future presentations since. I always opt to sacrifice marks rather then speak in class. Participation marks I consider to be lost marks and work extra hard on all other assignments to make them up.
Recently, I emailed another professor and requested to do an essay instead of a presentation which she accepted. But now I feel even more anxiety and discomfort in that class because I feel that she thinks I am a coward, a wuss, stupid, apathetic, etc. I feel like she is seeking me out in the class now, to see what such a pathetic person looks like. Away from these situations, I know I am exaggerating the risks a great deal and that they are completely irrational, but as much as I tell myself this the thoughts rush in when in the situations. Everyday when I return from school I feel extremely depressed and deflated, like someone has been beating at my self esteem all day long with a sack of bricks.
Related History and Information:
I have always felt abnormally shy, uncomfortable, and anxious in social situations. I always knew that there was something wrong with me and that there was something inside my mind that I had to overcome. I have been trying my entire life to beat this problem but am now twenty four years old and feel like I need help in doing it as nothing I do on my own is working. When it is unavoidable I simply do not speak, speak very little only when directly spoken to, distract myself (with a book or headphones), or act according to how I think they will accept me. With a friend in the same situation I feel more at ease. For this reason if I must enter situations I anticipate to be uncomfortable, I aim to bring a friend.
The most severe situations for me occur in classes where I am likely to be called upon. Second to school is workplaces, where I speak only when it is work related, and avoid personal discussions with coworkers by never entering lunchrooms, staff rooms, etc. Because I say very little and do not make friendships, I feel my work goes unrecognized and everyone thinks I am stupid. I do not usually last over a year at a job, because I get angry, depressed, and generally dread going and eventually quit to find a new job to attempt to start fresh. Often I try to fake being social at first but I feel fake, like they are going to figure me out, and very quickly fall back into my old habits of avoidance.
In secondary school, a group of peers selected me to relentlessly tease on a daily basis, each year getting worse. They created a pet name for me which stuck for a very long time. Since I lived in a small town, anywhere I went they were there to taunt me, yelling from car windows as I walked through town, entering my workplace to harass me, sending others in who I never even knew or recognized to call me insults, etc. Since they would recruit others at random to taunt me with these names in all areas of my life, I became very paranoid and suspicious of everyone, and the number of people who would call me these names grew like a virus. I never knew who the names would come from next. I moved away a year after high school, partly because of this, and am in my third year of University, where I avoid all social situations and do not have any friends, not because I have failed at making them but because I have avoided any opportunity to do so. I rarely trust anyone, believing everyone to be capable of doing what my harrassers did to me.
My mother also suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (and is medicated with Effexor), leading me to believe that my Social Anxiety has been caused by a combination of genetic inheritance, observing my mother’s habits, and the negative and scarring experiences of my teenage years.
I strongly feel that Social Anxiety restricts me from doing things in my life that I want to do. There is a war in my mind every day when I am in these situations and it negatively affects my life and my health. I am never completely at ease or fully feel like myself unless I am entirely alone. I always feel as though I am wearing a mask around anyone I speak to. The more I have to wear these masks the more I feel like I lose myself and becoming who I really am becomes further and further away. I feel incredibly alone and trapped inside my mind all the time.
I have tried many things over the years to cope with this problem, including breathing exercises, attempting to change my thought patterns, and mental exercises (exposure to social situations, and analyzing afterwards if my fears were realized), but I do not feel any of this has helped.
