Need a laugh......

[ppaul]

Ok so i know this is completely off the topic of social phobia but im bored and it late.........sometimes the forums are a bit gloomy..SO!!

Who knows a good joke!!??? I mean a good one!! one of those memorable ones that make you kack yourself.

Lets hear it!!

Infact, best joke wins a prize!

(a mystery prize, what ever i find under the sofa cushions goes to the lucky winner...I havent looked under there for ages...could be anything.....money, remote control, pornos, tea bags, roadkill, boogers etc...could all be yours)

 

[Damien]

I find life around me is funny. for example:

Two rules i discovered the other day...

Rule 1: One must not attempt to refill a bean bag one handed whilst the other hand is holding the mobile phone.

Rule 2: Rule 1 must not be attempted whilst standing in the doorway of the laundry with the backdoor open... on a WINDY DAY!

Hmm yes and then we can all guess what happened then... WOOOSH as the back slipped out and little white foam beans crept towards the door like a wave only to be blown back in around my feet and into the lounge room. So i thought "right grab the vacuumm" err yeah well im vacuumming and "woooopphh!" and beans come back out the cleaner only to find the back had split INSIDE the unit. so the beans still spilled out.

An hour and a half later... im still picking beans up... bleh.

Damien

 

[ppaul]

OK well, since nobody else has written anything, you can at least have a consolation prize.......

.....let me go see what comes out....


CONGRATULATIONS!!! the other half of yesterdays toasted cheese sandwich.

tempted to eat it myself, but im a man of my word.

leave your details and I'll have that in the mail tommorrow morning.

 

[LilMissTragic]

ok, my fave joke of all time....ya better laugh...lol

3 vampire bats hanging about in a cave, all very hungry as food is pretty scarce. Suddenly another vampire bat comes flying in with all blood round his mouth. The others look and start to get excited. "Oh oh oh" they say in pure excitment "tell us where ya got the blood"
"ok" says the bloodied vampire bat "Follow me"
So the hungry bats follow the bloodied bat out of the cave.
"Do ya see that river?" he says as they fly over a river
"Yeh Yeh Yeh Yeh" says the bats
They carry on flying
"See that fence down there" Says the bloody bat
By now the others are really excited
"Yeh Yeh Yeh Yeh" they all chorus
"Now" says the bloodied bat "Do ya see that big oak tree over there?"
"Yeh Yeh Yeh Yeh" drool the other bats
"Yeh, Well I f*cking well didn't"

 

[Scottish_Player]

The local cat and dog home got burgled,the police are looking for any leads :lol:

The local wig factory got broken into,police are combing the area for any clues :lol:

 

[maggie]

what do you get when you cross a bull terrior and a shitsu??????????? BULLSHIT (ha ha ha) p.s. don't know how to spell "shitsu" :lol:

 

[ppaul]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!!!

and first prize goes too ..... um...ah .. (just gotta open the envelope)....( drum roll and all that).......

LilMissTRagic!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

First Prize consitsts of .......
1. One staedler silver paper clip.
2. Dried youghurt scrapings (Youplait Strawberry).
3. Two soggy chips, courtesy of Rory's Fish N Chips (curry sauce encrusted).
4. A dried cockroach (I think he's smiling)

Your prize is in the mail....

For the rest of you, dont give up yet.

Still 2 more prizes to be won!!!

PS Scottish Player ...... um....hmm.....ah... better luck next time.

 

[Damien]

Does it come with ham?

Damien

 

[LilMissTragic]

OMG WAHOOO, never won anything in my life....ohhhh now i have my very own dried cockroach...i'm so proud. I'd like to share my other prizes with the other contestants though.
(takes a bow)

 

[GettingThere]

An excited woman bursts into her home and calls out to her husband "honey pack you clothes, I have won the lotto". Husband replys "should I pack for the tropics or the snow?".

"I don't care where you go, just get out of here".

 

[annie]

An excited woman bursts into her home and calls out to her husband "honey pack you clothes, I have won the lotto". Husband replys "should I pack for the tropics or the snow?".

"I don't care where you go, just get out of here".

LOL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

loved it

annie :lol:

 

[annie]

Hi guys,

Here is an Aussie joke:-

Jill from Melbourne

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill, (the Australian barmaid) takes his order (1 pint of fosters) and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the dirty deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again orders another fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he just orders his fosters and goes and sits in the corner. Jill (a little disappointed) thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and maybe she can skank some cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I..." she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing..."she says, "...so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable..." she says, "...what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this..." she says, "...I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says "...your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

 

[annie]

Here is another aussie joke:-

A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, “You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way.”

The farmer was nonchalant in response. “Yep, we breed them here.”

“But why?” asked the motorist.

“Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.”

“And what do they taste like?”

“Dunno”, replied the farmer, “no one can catch the little bastards.”


I love jokes - I think there is something to be said about "laughter is the best medicine".

annie :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[maggie]

I'm not exactly sure why, but I also feel better when I make others laugh. The sound of their laughter seems to relax me, I guess

 

[enigma]

A woman was looking in the mirror and she said to her husband, i feel ugly and frumpy, please pay me a compliment, and the husband said, well at least theres nothing wrong with your eye sight.


A man found a bottle on the floor and when he opened it,a genie appeared.The genie said i will grant you 3 wishes but i must warn you, whatever i grant you, your wife will do better than you.The man said thats fine and for my first wish i want to play better at golf, and the genie said thats fine but your wife will play better than you, then the man said i want to become rich and the genie said thats fine but your wife will be richer than you and then the man said i want to have a very very mild heart attack.