Nervous about being alone??

[Tuukka40]

Okay here is some background...

I'm 17, in high school, and going to college next year. In elementary school I actually had a lot of friends and like a 'girlfriend' at the time. But this had a lot to do with two things:
1. I was comfortable talking to people when I was with one of my best friends
2. AIM was big in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grade so I talked to people on there a lot and that's how I made friends.

Then when middle school came and we had about 900 new kids in our class, I didn't have class with any of my good friends, I didn't become friends with anyone new and quickly became known as one of the quiet kids..And ever since I haven't made many friends.

I don't think I would be so shy but in the last few years I get a lot of bad comments on things about me. The biggest comment is that I am boring. This is probably because I have a monotone voice and I always look tired. So what I say gets lost in translation..A lot. This makes me really self conscience when talking to people.
Also, when I'm in big groups I tend to get nervous and just not say anything.
And to add to that, I always end up being a pushover because I don't really know how to stick up for myself without being a dick..Like what am I supposed to do? Start a fight because someone said something stupid? I don't get that either..

Lastly, I feel like I just can't make friends. Even when I do talk to someone regularly I just become an acquantance, never a friend. And talking to girls is just a whole different issue::

I'm going to college next year and I am really starting to get afraid of making no friends, not dating, and going through just like things are now. I really want to make a change and get out of my shell but it seems sooo hard!

EDIT: I am semi-confident in myself. I get compliments on my looks from decent looking girls (outside of high school, im too low on the popularity scale for a girl in my school to really like me), but whenever I do find out a girl likes me even a little I am too nervous to talk to her..

Please help..

 

[kihira]

Welcome Tuukka40 :]

What are some things that you could change today? Monotone voice? Notice how others speak and mimic.

Acquaintances are good, work at these to make them into friendships, focus on mutual interests.

Hockey? strong interest, do you play or only watch. Consider joining a team if latter

 

[Hastings & Main]

Hi, and welcome aboard!

It sounds like you went to a different school for middle school? If that's the case, yeah, it's really weird getting into a whole new setting with tons more students around you who all seem to know each other.
I know how it feels to be regarded as 'boring' because you keep to yourself a bit more and aren't as outgoing. Perceptions in school come fast and are sometimes hard to change, and it usually comes with resistance because people like having their mind set on something.

You say you speak in a monotone? On your own, try practicing inflections in your speech, 'punching' syllables and expressive words. Gesticulate a bit more with your body and express your talking through your facial movements. It's a bit hard if you have never communicated like this (I never used to) but it comes easy after a while.

Being afraid to talk or getting nervous about doing so in bigger groups might come from the fear of saying something wrong or not funny, in which case we sometimes get to thinking too much about what we're going to say and in turn get lost in the conversation, eventually being seen as 'the quiet dude' who hangs at the edge of the group. Perhaps put a halt to over-thinking a response and just jump in with something, laugh off any strange looks if by chance it comes out wrong.

As for seeming like a pushover for the more alpha-types, self-assuredness in your appearance - body-language, attitude - helps tremendously, even if you're just acting a bit. Always keep your face & eyes up, not staring at the ground, and nod to people, etc.

Things will slowly come around as you rebuild your social life in the new environment.

Actually, this brings up memories of a girl in the elementary school I went to: she was very much the best-looking and most popular girl in the school, all the guys talked about her, flirted with her, dreamt about her, many asked her out on dates, etc.
Big crush-item. Anyways, we all went on to middle school with a jump of maybe 5-700 extra kids, and poor 'L' was just cast adrift; all the boys attentions shifted to a wider variety of girls now open to us, and for the first year or so I remember her just looking dejected.
Eventually, though, she turned things around, made a group of new friends and joined some sports teams, and was once again very happy with herself.

 

[Tuukka40]

Welcome Tuukka40 :]

What are some things that you could change today? Monotone voice? Notice how others speak and mimic.

Acquaintances are good, work at these to make them into friendships, focus on mutual interests.

Hockey? strong interest, do you play or only watch. Consider joining a team if latter

Thanks. Yeah, I do play..I was an all state selection last season and hopefully I will be this season. I might end up putting college off for a year or two to play junior hockey. But even then I want to be more prominent, so to speak, and make friends on the team and meet new people.

As far as turning acquaintances into friendships..I don't know..I think I've thrown the towel in for making friends in high school. I just want to re-invent myself because next year I will be in a totally new setting. Whether I am playing hockey or if I'm in college, I figure I won't be seeing too many of my old classmates so it's kind of a fresh start.

But between now and then I want to work on my shyness, voice, facial expression..I can do it at work, I'm starting some classes at community college (in place of hs class), and just when I am around new people in general. I do have a few friends, I just don't really have a group of friends.

It sounds like you went to a different school for middle school? If that's the case, yeah, it's really weird getting into a whole new setting with tons more students around you who all seem to know each other.
I know how it feels to be regarded as 'boring' because you keep to yourself a bit more and aren't as outgoing. Perceptions in school come fast and are sometimes hard to change, and it usually comes with resistance because people like having their mind set on something.

You say you speak in a monotone? On your own, try practicing inflections in your speech, 'punching' syllables and expressive words. Gesticulate a bit more with your body and express your talking through your facial movements. It's a bit hard if you have never communicated like this (I never used to) but it comes easy after a while.

Being afraid to talk or getting nervous about doing so in bigger groups might come from the fear of saying something wrong or not funny, in which case we sometimes get to thinking too much about what we're going to say and in turn get lost in the conversation, eventually being seen as 'the quiet dude' who hangs at the edge of the group. Perhaps put a halt to over-thinking a response and just jump in with something, laugh off any strange looks if by chance it comes out wrong.

As for seeming like a pushover for the more alpha-types, self-assuredness in your appearance - body-language, attitude - helps tremendously, even if you're just acting a bit. Always keep your face & eyes up, not staring at the ground, and nod to people, etc.

Things will slowly come around as you rebuild your social life in the new environment.

Actually, this brings up memories of a girl in the elementary school I went to: she was very much the best-looking and most popular girl in the school, all the guys talked about her, flirted with her, dreamt about her, many asked her out on dates, etc.
Big crush-item. Anyways, we all went on to middle school with a jump of maybe 5-700 extra kids, and poor 'L' was just cast adrift; all the boys attentions shifted to a wider variety of girls now open to us, and for the first year or so I remember her just looking dejected.
Eventually, though, she turned things around, made a group of new friends and joined some sports teams, and was once again very happy with herself.

Yeah I did go to a middle school where they combined a few elementary schools. The sad thing is, I didn't even attempt to make new friends and that really set me up for failure. And just like that everyone is in their group of friends and I'm left out. But it is what it is now, I have 4 months left and have probably missed out on some good experiences, but I am looking forward to trying to make a change.

My voice and facial expressions are something I am definitely going to work on. I really never really knew about my voice until not too long ago. Then I have heard it recorded and it was shocking because it sounds nothing like that to me when I am speaking lol.

And yeah I suppose just talking in groups would work..I mean, it's better being the 'weird kid' then the 'quiet weird kid':: I have my best friends already, so there is nowhere to go but up.

The funny thing is, the girl that I did have as a girlfriend in the 6th grade was pretty much the girl you described. And we were together for 4 months which is an eternity in elementary school haha. Although, again, we talked way more online and on the phone than face to face. Looking back it is unbelievable the people I used to take for granted. If someone told me that would be my last girlfriend I would have never of believed it.

Maybe I just need to get my foot in the door again. When I am around friends I am 10 times more comfortable talking to people.

I just recently cited shyness as my problem..Before that I just shrugged it off and didn't really care/notice. But now I desperately hope to fix it!

Thanks to both of you for your suggestions! Anyone else who has any words or advice is greatly appreciated