Never thought I'd post one of these

[Anonymous]

Ok, I hope somebody will respond to this, I need a little advice/feedback. I have never talked to anybody about my shyness.

I've always been really shy and insecure but its become worse the last couple years and now I've begun to think that it might be SA. In school I've usually gotten along with everybody, but I felt like a phoney. I really resent myself because it seems like I just take on the personality of whoever I'm with. I'm actually pretty good at being somebody else, makes me think I should go into acting. I've always had lots of acquaintances but few real friends, and whenever a friendship sort of develops I back off and drive the person away, sort of like Groucho Marx's quote "I would never join a club that would accept me as a member." I think it is like a defence mechanism, like beating them to the punch. I never show people that I care because then I can't be rejected. Its ridiculous. The friends that I do have, I sort of assumed that they are just using me until they find someone better. I know this is irrational but most of the time it doesn't even upset me because I just accept it as the way things are. I never ask for favors or help, because I don't want to be a burden. I would never tell my friends about my increasing social ineptness because I wouldn't want them to feel obliged to have to help me.
Alright, now this is getting too long...
What I really wanted to say is that I am in university now, in residence, and in my building I am "that girl", the loner who doesn't have any friends. I am so ashamed about it. I think that now though I could start with the small talk but how do I go from being the "weird quiet one" to branching out? I feel like it is too late now, I've already made an impression on these people. Actually I don't even know how to go about making small talk but I know the only way it will change is if I make it change.

 

[JWH]

Okay, how late is too late? I have spent my life thinking at a certain age, I had to be someone and procrastinated to the point where I never achieved a thing.

And I can totally relate to your first remark about acting and taking on other personalities. It was mostly in primary school, but I could distinctly remember opening my mouth and another person taking hold of my speech and expression.

 

[Anonymous]

I'm glad that somebody could relate to that.
My problem with the people in my building is I don't know how to break the ice since now I hardly even say hi to them anymore in the hallways. I mean if I were them, I'd think I was pretty weird too.

 

[Anonymous]

Wierd is very subjective, How do you know your wierd? If you want an ice breaker just try, 'how you going?' of 'what you been up to?'

 

[tommydog]

hi you should register a nick

It dosnt take much to say hello, just when you pass someone you think you might get along with just say gday or something, i think that would be a good start

also i think its important not to make eye contact with anyone unless you are speaking to them, because when you make eye contact with people it is like your communicating with them, and then indeed if you dont say anything you likely give out a not very nice vibe you know ?

i think you sound great to be honest, i think its encouraging seeing someone who is really wanting to put in an effort, so just remember that you have that quality, because many people with sp dont :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

caution!!!

its gonna be easy for you to turn into a whore
good luvk with school
i suggest drugs and meeting other crazy people
nothing matters as much to youre future as much as how you use the next four years
get smarter...
the rest will come later

 

[Quarkz]

Totally relate to you girl, you aren't alone. Thats all you need to know.

 

[Anonymous]

Yep

You just described my life before I found out about SP.

 

[Jordan]

Hi Mysterious Guest!

Alright, now this is getting too long...

Not really. Did you ever read a start-of-thread-post of mine? Do it without falling asleep, and your reading duties are completed for the next two months.

What about browsing through the list of favors you may wish to ask, and pick up one or two that are especially simple, one-time-only tasks? This way, the recipient of your request will possibly more flattered than burdened. Average people like to feel useful, and doing a small favor is a cheap way to reach the goal. Say, just ask for some information about a practical thing (where a certain facility is located, the schedule of a course or whatever). As you are used to act, wearing a smile and showing a kind, receptive attitude will supposedly be easy for you.

The "being burdened" issue will be relevant only if you ask too much or too often.

You make a good point about the "lonely girl" stuff, but things might not go that way in this specific occurrence. True is that once an opinion is formed, especially when shared by many, it tend to remain stable. However, in the situation you describe the other denizens seem more indifferent than hostile. This means that the opinion is only supported by habit, not by negative feelings against yourself. It doesn't take that much force to make it crumble.

Should you be lucky, the person who choose to break the ice will be even proud of his "discovery" and that will be enough for the change, possibly willing himself to make friends.

Also, don't worry too much about the fact that at first he might really think that you are weird. It is rare that somebody answers: "I won't share with you any info on schedules, because you are too weird." If that happens, it means that the Great Pumpkin is mad at you.

Best to you,
Jordan

 

[Anonymous]

Its funny, sometimes by the responses I see I wonder why people are even here...alot of you don;t seem to have a problem at all. Its funny how you can give advice to others that you know yourself couldn't follow, but you know darn right you should.

 

[Jordan]

Its funny, sometimes by the responses I see I wonder why people are even here...alot of you don;t seem to have a problem at all. Its funny how you can give advice to others that you know yourself couldn't follow, but you know darn right you should.

To begin with, awareness is not enough, and this is especially true with anxiety disorders. Just like knowing what is good and then behaving accordingly is not one and the same. And even without a specific syndrome, how many people have really a full control of their emotions?

So for instance, when you tell somebody "don't be angry!", will you expect that he:
(1) realizes that there is not point in being angry, and
(2) calms down instantly?

As a matter of fact, one _can_ enlighten others by sharing his own experiences, including the negative ones. Believe it or not, if I were able to write the story of my life without getting serious trouble with my stomach, and if any younger social-phobic guy were able to read it (again, should it be possible with no marked physical symptoms), this would help immensely. It would show plenty of things that were never to be done. Just bear in mind that you should do the opposite, and you'll learn a lot.

On the other hand, what about those who are not social-phobic, have never been social-phobic and don't even know what's the hell means social-phobic (possibly, allergy to socialism? or a typo for "Sokal Phonic", a Japanese producer of sound devices?). They will possibly come with some sound advice, too. But it's much harder, I reckon.

So for instance, the issue that started this discussion could be answered by "just do it!", which would be the way a non-shy person feels. Better yet, "How can you have problem with such an easy thing?" Again, this is the attitude I was referring to at the beginning of this post.

Rather, a person who has been there (who is or has been shy), will understand that is not as simple as that, and use a more emphatic approach. For instance, try to figure out ways around the challenge (for it is a challenge), or tell things is a way that at least contains some encouragement on emotional level.