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Erninmcm

Erninmcm

New member
So i'm new to this site and even new to figuring out this condition. I'm 21, when I was 13 I starting going to a therapist for depression. Once a week I would go into a room and sit there for an hour and feel so awkward, i'd always steer away from talking about how I felt. I spent a year and a half in therapy and they bounced me around on a few different drugs to help me. Nothing helped and every time we met i'd lie and say I was fine, until the last session I told her that I wanted to stop seeing her and I thought I was fine now. I wanted her to argue with me and tell me she knew I wasn't, I thought that if I presented her with this situation she would know I was testing her and she'd see right through me. But instead she agreed and we stopped our sessions.

Last year I was researching sleep disorders and I came across a website for Avoidant Personality Disorder, I started crying because every single symptom described me. I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulder and knowing that everything i've felt for so long wasn't just me being difficult or paranoid or shy.

I've only self diagnosed myself, mainly because I feel like if I walk into a therapist's office and tell her all of this that she'll think i'm making it all up or seeking attention. That's not me at all though, I couldn't even tell my mom that I wanted to see a therapist when I was young, I wrote a letter and gave it to her when she dropped me off at school.

I'm just afraid to seek treatment because I feel ashamed. From then on i'll be labeled and my fear of people judging me will come true.

I'm not even sure why i'm writing this or what I expect to get from this. But maybe finally getting it out and letting you all know will help.
 
Sirius

Sirius

New member
Hello Erninmcm,

I too discovered this disorder on my own. Ive had the same feelings that you have about seeing a therapist. I feel like if I told them that I thought I had this disorder they wouldn't believe me; or even believe that I was depressed. I feel like they would just say some things to manipulate me, I would weakly agree with them and go on my way trusting that nothing is wrong with me then feel like shit again after a couple days. And this would be after I ask my parents for therapy which will be a task, my mom being clueless and ignorantly critical about issues like this and my dad being too intimidating. Also coupled with the fear of disappointing my dad and my whole family. Im 20 by the way.

If you'd ever want to talk, I'd be more than willing to.
 
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