Obsessed with sexual past

[capere]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. This year I got diagnosed with S.A.D. It's been a hard time.

Before been diagnosed, I had a long-term relationship for almost 7 years. She was my first girlfriend. The fact is, we never had sex.... She was scared of becoming pregnant, etc. I never had sex before too. I kept waiting for years and years, but we never did anything. Our relationship finally ended (mainly because there wasn't enough passion, love, etc...)

Like 2 months later, I started dating this girl, we made instant-click and things became really interesting. I found someone who understands my S.A.D., who gives me support, and most important: she is in love with me, and I am in love with her. We are now on a relationship.


Here's my problem: like I said, I never had sex until now. In her case, she had sex with 5 guys before me. We talk sometimes about this particular topic. She keeps telling me that I am, the best lover she ever had (including sex). She tells me that she is very surprised by my ''skills'' although I never did that before. She even says that she believed that I had sex with many people before her because of that. (In fact I'm not sure if I really believe what she says).

I get tormented because she had sex with 5 people before me. 3 of them were while being in a relationship. But the other 2 were just for the sex. And I keep imaging her doing sex with those guys. I get jealous because I never had the chance to had sex with more people before her. I get sick because I don't feel like a good lover.

Mostly, I feel inferior. Although she keeps telling me that I really impress her in the bed. I feel like I lost a lot of experiences that most people at my age had.

The worst thing is I feel this F...nG ideas will kill a wonderful relationship.

I am really trying to defeat those ideas, but they get worse.

Is there any mechanism for winning this war? Please help me people.

Thank you all...

 

[vj288]

Obsessions just suck, don't they? I don't think what you are going through is uncommon, I imagine many guys in a situation like yours tend to get those same sort of feelings, and get that same frustration that these stupid unwanted obsessive unwanted insecurities are ruining what should otherwise be a wonderful thing.

I may be off base, but I think it does connect with jealous, in a specific way. I know a lot of people (myself included) get this feeling that we are "supposed" to live a certain way, or do certain things, or have our lives fan out a certain way. That there is this bubble of "normal behaviors and experiences" we are designed to fall into or we are doing something wrong. Anyone and everyone can get this feeling, but people with SA or some other struggle are even more susceptible as much of their lives may be outside this perceived norm.

I think a lot of times we ignore these things or don't think about them or simply don't care. When things aren't brought to the forefront of our mind, or constantly reminded of them, they fade to the background. I never played hooky from school or got a demerit - I may have missed out by never letting go a little more, but at this point I don't think about it or care. It's fine to be different.

In cases like yours though, once that thought enters your mind - that you missed out on something, that she feels something you can't relate to, that you are left out and she isn't - it's pretty hard to get out. Trying not to think about it is like trying to not think of a white elephant - the more you try not to the more you think about the elephant. Then whenever you see or think about her all those thoughts and feelings you hate are intertwined with her and distract you from the important things.

I may be really wrong, that is just one possible reason why I think. If it is though, the best course of action may be taking a little space, and reminding yourself that these feelings are stupid. Her past should not effect you, it's understandable to want to relate to her on many levels but it's just not going to happen on every one. (you'll never know what getting a period is like either, and other lady-thing-stuff). It didn't bother you before, there must be a way to get back to that thinking pattern.

I hope you figure out a way to work it all out, I know it must be an annoyingly frustrating feeling.

 

[DepravedFurball]

Cappy... I feel your pain, brother.

A few years back, I felt the exact same way as yourself. Had a woman that I adored, but she'd had a dozen partners where I only had two. Made me jealous, angry, and spiteful at times... and ultimately, it made me sabotage the relationship.

To this day I lament it. I really do wish I could go back with my current mind-set and correct my behaviours. But hind-sight is always 20/20.

Try to think of things this way: YOU are the one she's with. Not them. Not any of her other lovers. If they were so good, both in the sack or in the relationship, then she wouldn't have left them. But they're gone, and you're all that's left standing. She wants YOU, now, and tomorrow.

And also keep this in mind: Eventually, you're going to make love to her more times than all of those other partners put together. With her guidance and your enthusiasm to learn, you'll become a much better lover than those others could ever have dreamed of.

What matters is the present and the future. Those other guys were mistakes, got it? Passing fancies. She's got you to satisfy her now, and that's all she's gonna need.

erfect:

 

[capere]

Thank you guys for your answers...

I've been thinking in what people have told me....

I guess my main concern is realizing that she had sex with 2 people just for the sex and not for the love and romance. You may call me a little old-fashion, but I believe in sex with love.

We have talked about that kind of things, and she always have told me she prefers sex with love.... But then I start thinking on those 2 past experiences and gets me confused. I start thinking and thinking why she did that, even if that happened a long time ago. I know we're human, and we make mistakes. But those ideas keep coming on and on...

The bad thing is that she knows when I'm thinking on those ideas because my mood changes a lot...

I wish to have some kind of pill to take and just act as a normal person...
:sad:

 

[DepravedFurball]

You may call me a little old-fashion, but I believe in sex with love.

It's kinda weird, y'know... I was the exact same. Thought that any sort of sex outside of a deeply committed relationship was almost dirty. Couldn't understand why anyone could consider doing that kind of thing on a mere whim...

Then I realized, after three years alone now, that sex really doesn't matter.

What you've got to understand is that you're more jealous about knowing other guys have been a part of her life. That they might know her better. Might have had a deeper connection.

Honestly, you've just got to stop thinking about it. Every time you do find yourself dwelling, slap yourself across the face. Hard. Twice. 'Cause if you lose someone that you really connect with, that understands and accepts you with SP, and you spend the next five, ten, or twenty years alone.... well... you'll come to realize in time just what a huge mistake you made by being selfish.

Seriously, bro, don't be me. I'm me, and it's not much fun.

 

[capere]

It's kinda weird, y'know... I was the exact same. Thought that any sort of sex outside of a deeply committed relationship was almost dirty. Couldn't understand why anyone could consider doing that kind of thing on a mere whim...

Then I realized, after three years alone now, that sex really doesn't matter.

What you've got to understand is that you're more jealous about knowing other guys have been a part of her life. That they might know her better. Might have had a deeper connection.

Honestly, you've just got to stop thinking about it. Every time you do find yourself dwelling, slap yourself across the face. Hard. Twice. 'Cause if you lose someone that you really connect with, that understands and accepts you with SP, and you spend the next five, ten, or twenty years alone.... well... you'll come to realize in time just what a huge mistake you made by being selfish.

Seriously, bro, don't be me. I'm me, and it's not much fun.

How did you go through after realizing what you did?


I was talking to her about why she had sex outside a relationship. She told me she did it just one single time, and was pure necessity.

So I was thinking: it's seems the problem with me is that I simply can't understand that feeling of "necessity" or "desire" to calm down anxiety through sex outside a serious relationship... because I've never been there!!!! I've been always on a relation, so I never had that need.

And it bothers me, I feel like I'm "excluded" from that "group" of people, in which she obviously is.

I feel like "less experienced", "inferior"..... I don't know how to explain it. Even when my friends are talking about that particular topic, I find myself outside that "world". Feel like "alienated"

 

[Silatuyok]

I totally understand where you're coming from, because I used to have the same feelings about my partners' pasts. Honestly the less I know the better, but it's impossible to avoid any kind of reference to the past.
Just remember that you love this girl for who she is now, and all of her past experiences have contributed to making her that person.
It is unfair to resent her for the decisions she made in the past. It is unfair to resent her for having a past that isn't like your own. If you had had your own sexual exploits before now, you would likely be much more understanding of her actions.
You need to really think this through thoroughly and find the root of the problem here. It's not her problem, it's something going on in your mind that is setting you back. When you have found your issue and come to terms with it, you need to move on and put it out of your mind. Whenever you catch yourself thinking about it, stop. Redirect your thoughts. Stop asking questions about it. It's okay to ask her to stop volunteering information about it if it upsets you.

I used to have obsessive thoughts like this that caused me a lot of anxiety. My strategy was to pinch the skin on my wrist whenever I had a disturbing and obsessive thought. May not work for you, but it got me through some rough hours. Best of luck to you.

 

[Kiwong]

I contributed to a story in a book on sexual fantasies in the late 1990s. It seems that my anonymous authorship leaked into the world somehow. So bloody embarrassing, what was I thinking? I think I was going crazy at the time. Fortunately, the stupidity influenced by testosterone has declined with age.

 

[jc972]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. This year I got diagnosed with S.A.D. It's been a hard time.

Before been diagnosed, I had a long-term relationship for almost 7 years. She was my first girlfriend. The fact is, we never had sex.... She was scared of becoming pregnant, etc. I never had sex before too. I kept waiting for years and years, but we never did anything. Our relationship finally ended (mainly because there wasn't enough passion, love, etc...)

Like 2 months later, I started dating this girl, we made instant-click and things became really interesting. I found someone who understands my S.A.D., who gives me support, and most important: she is in love with me, and I am in love with her. We are now on a relationship.


Here's my problem: like I said, I never had sex until now. In her case, she had sex with 5 guys before me. We talk sometimes about this particular topic. She keeps telling me that I am, the best lover she ever had (including sex). She tells me that she is very surprised by my ''skills'' although I never did that before. She even says that she believed that I had sex with many people before her because of that. (In fact I'm not sure if I really believe what she says).

I get tormented because she had sex with 5 people before me. 3 of them were while being in a relationship. But the other 2 were just for the sex. And I keep imaging her doing sex with those guys. I get jealous because I never had the chance to had sex with more people before her. I get sick because I don't feel like a good lover.

Mostly, I feel inferior. Although she keeps telling me that I really impress her in the bed. I feel like I lost a lot of experiences that most people at my age had.

The worst thing is I feel this F...nG ideas will kill a wonderful relationship.

I am really trying to defeat those ideas, but they get worse.

Is there any mechanism for winning this war? Please help me people.

Thank you all...

I read your post last night and I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. I thought about it all day today at work about what to say that might help your situation. Capere, I've been in that situation myself before I was married and I understand how you must feel. I'm not trying to offend you or cause you to have doubts about your relationship but I have to ask, are you in love with her? Like she might be your wife one day? Or is she just a girlfriend? I ask because if she's just a girlfriend I'd keep dating her until you get a different girlfriend. And when you get a different girlfriend, tell the new one "Don't tell me about your sexual past, I don't want to know how many or who they were and don't ask me about mine." I know that sounds mean but I see absolutely no reason to know these things about each other, none of it matters and it only hurts the relationship. Before I was married I had a great girlfriend, I liked her quite a bit. She was a few years older than me. One day she started talking about her ex boyfriends and about them having sex. It made me mad but I didn't know what to say to her about it so I said nothing. A couple weeks or a month went by and she did it again. So that time I was really upset and I told her we needed some time apart. She very reluctantly agreed. In that whole time apart I was mad all the time because it felt like I was being compared to other guys she'd slept with, and I couldn't get over it. So I broke up with her. From that time on, I told every girl I dated "Don't tell me your sexual past and I won't tell you mine." If they couldn't go by that one simple rule, I didn't need them. Because when the conversation gets to how many sexual partners one has had, people get their feelings hurt and always feel like they're being compared to previous lovers and people get jealous. My wife was a virgin when we started dating and she was my best friend for a long time before then so she knew I had been with other women but she didn't know how many. One night she asked me. And I tried to change the subject and tried to avoid the question but she wouldn't stop asking. So I told her a number that I believed to be close. She got mad and said she was hurt. I said "You didn't need to know, I'm married to YOU, nobody else." She was upset about that for a long time and finally stopped mentioning it. It's never good when this conversation happens so I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't ever happen. I wish you the best and hope these feelings you have go away. If she supports you and loves you and all that stuff, that's great. I say try to forget about her past. But if you can't, then I suggest staying with her until you find another girl that loves and supports you and won't speak of her sexual past.

 

[dottie]

forget about her past and stop imposing your issues on her. she didn't do anything wrong and you are punishing her for your own inferiority complex. you are lucky to have found someone who puts up with this for so long.

 

[Silatuyok]

I read your post last night and I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. I thought about it all day today at work about what to say that might help your situation. Capere, I've been in that situation myself before I was married and I understand how you must feel. I'm not trying to offend you or cause you to have doubts about your relationship but I have to ask, are you in love with her? Like she might be your wife one day? Or is she just a girlfriend? I ask because if she's just a girlfriend I'd keep dating her until you get a different girlfriend. And when you get a different girlfriend, tell the new one "Don't tell me about your sexual past, I don't want to know how many or who they were and don't ask me about mine." I know that sounds mean but I see absolutely no reason to know these things about each other, none of it matters and it only hurts the relationship. Before I was married I had a great girlfriend, I liked her quite a bit. She was a few years older than me. One day she started talking about her ex boyfriends and about them having sex. It made me mad but I didn't know what to say to her about it so I said nothing. A couple weeks or a month went by and she did it again. So that time I was really upset and I told her we needed some time apart. She very reluctantly agreed. In that whole time apart I was mad all the time because it felt like I was being compared to other guys she'd slept with, and I couldn't get over it. So I broke up with her. From that time on, I told every girl I dated "Don't tell me your sexual past and I won't tell you mine." If they couldn't go by that one simple rule, I didn't need them. Because when the conversation gets to how many sexual partners one has had, people get their feelings hurt and always feel like they're being compared to previous lovers and people get jealous. My wife was a virgin when we started dating and she was my best friend for a long time before then so she knew I had been with other women but she didn't know how many. One night she asked me. And I tried to change the subject and tried to avoid the question but she wouldn't stop asking. So I told her a number that I believed to be close. She got mad and said she was hurt. I said "You didn't need to know, I'm married to YOU, nobody else." She was upset about that for a long time and finally stopped mentioning it. It's never good when this conversation happens so I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't ever happen. I wish you the best and hope these feelings you have go away. If she supports you and loves you and all that stuff, that's great. I say try to forget about her past. But if you can't, then I suggest staying with her until you find another girl that loves and supports you and won't speak of her sexual past.

I agree with this. I never understood why it is considered standard to have "that talk" with your new partner. Why would I want to know anything about it, and why would I want to share anything about my own sexual past? Unless, of course, it's something very pertinent, like telling your partner that you were physically abused, or cheated on in the past, or something like that. I always try to keep in mind the phrase, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."

 

[coyote]

i'm happy to provide a resume and references, but i really don't think it's a requirement for the position

 

[vj288]

You should watch the movie Chasing Amy if you get a chance, it very much addresses what you talk about here.

Here's one scene in particular you may find helpful "Chasing Amy": Silent Bob's Speech [HD] - YouTube

 

[Odo]

5 is really not so many.

I have met people who have slept with 100s and they also sleep with people who haven't slept with anyone... mostly because they know what to say and how to make people feel a certain way. It's actually kind of disgusting out there.

If she was honest with you about that, then you should be happy about it... I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone about their past, but again, 5 people definitely isn't out of the ordinary.

But personally, I would want to know if someone I liked had slept with a lot of people.

 

[Remus]

Leave the past behind, move forward or you will ruin everything.