Ok, i just need to let it out and move on..

[Nelly]

I haven't been happy in years..I'm finished school and haven't talked to anyone in months and i'm feeling so lonely and sad. I've made so many mistakes over the years, i came off the wrong way and i need help to forget about it all and move on. There is one particular incident that i'm feeling really really bad about it, i was depressed for a while just thinking about it and feeling so guilty about it! I feel i need to just let it out, i don't really have anyone i can tell this to, so if you could take the time to read this i really appreciate it!!

A few months ago i was at my debs (prom). I didn't have anyone to bring so my cousin suggested that i bring her other cousin Shane, i've known him for a few years when we were younger and so i thought why not!..We went to the debs anyways and i was kinda weird. I didn't make much of an effort with him or anyone else really, i was very odd..i suppose i was always like that and that's why i feel so guilty about the last few years. Anyways i was shy and nervous, he was talking away and i barely said anything and he was looking at me like is she ok?!..Even at the table i was just nodding away and said nothing, i was so rude to him! when were dancing for some reason i went into a bit of a daze just the song wasn't that good, he was looking at me weird and he put is hand out to dance and i just looked away..why did i do that i have no idea!..i don't know what was wrong with me!!!.. I was even very quiet with my friends and i felt like i was in a bit of a daze..He ended up getting with one of my friends!! He asked me if he could go dance with her and i couldn't really say no and since i was the worst date ever he might as well dance with someone fun! They ended up getting together..i got a bit jealous and had one too many drinks and may have said something really stupid to him, like talking to him about it and babling on like a right tool..he was so nice to me, too nice to me and i was a complete ass!! He made such an effort and i came off as ignorant rude and stubborn..the drink didn't help. I don't think my friends were too happy with me either..

I feel so bad and the worst thing is i don't actually mind because their actually really good together and they suit each other and all i can think is that i was such an idiot and that's how he is gonna think of me and i'm afraid if they end up together, he is gonna think i'm upset over it or jealous but i'm not!! I hate myself for it! I hate myself for being like that my whole life!! I would do anything to take it back!!
He hasn't talked to me since and i wanted to be friends but i don't deserve his friendship anyways!! I can't stop thinking about it..!!

I just needed to get that out and i know it sounds like nothing but the guilt is really eating me up and i realised how i acted the last few years in school and that adds to the guilt!!

 

[MikeyC]

Welcome to SPW, Nelly.

You seem to realise that your actions were not that great, so now is a good time to patch things up with this guy. Obviously you don't want him to break it up with the other girl he danced with, but if you're feeling guilty an apology would put the both of you at ease. Maybe even explain to him why you were acting that way.

Not going to lie - if I was with you I wouldn't be too happy with your actions, but if I got an apology and a small explanation later it would be okay, so try that with him and the two of you can remain friends.

Good luck.

 

[Nelly]

Thanks for your honesty..I think about what i would say and that but i keep thinking it's gonna sound stupid because i'm not a great speaker and i always sound stupid or childish when i'm nervous!! I just don't know anymore..!! I'm not happy..and i'm so lonely! I'm not a bad person i was just so nervous and anxious. I'm doing something about it but i need some advice..

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

what we think of ourselves and our actions is often nowhere close to how others view us

 

[Silatuyok]

Thanks for your honesty..I think about what i would say and that but i keep thinking it's gonna sound stupid because i'm not a great speaker and i always sound stupid or childish when i'm nervous!! I just don't know anymore..!! I'm not happy..and i'm so lonely! I'm not a bad person i was just so nervous and anxious. I'm doing something about it but i need some advice..

In delicate situations like this, it sometimes help to write a note instead of apologizing in person. I know it's not the best route, but it's better than not apologizing at all and agonizing over it, right?
As for regretting what happened, there's really no good use in worrying over the past. Think about ways that you could help yourself to improve and work toward that. A prom can be a really stressful thing to endure, and I think you are being way too harsh on yourself by judging your actions at a time when you were clearly overwhelmed. Apologize for the past if you must, but then you must start from now and move forward, not looking back.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Coyote's right. We, as sufferers of SA, tend to demonize ourselves, make our flaws more prevalent and minimize our achievements or what's good about ourselves.

As for what you did, Mikey's said it all: just tell him. Don't let this get any more worse than it can; you've still got time to turn this around. Your apology shouldn't sound like you've been practicing it in front of a mirror for an hour. Just convey your feelings to him, no matter how jumbled up it gets or how many times you pause, and he should understand. And don't hold anything back, okay?

 

[Pacific_Loner]

In delicate situations like this, it sometimes help to write a note instead of apologizing in person. I know it's not the best route, but it's better than not apologizing at all and agonizing over it, right?

In my opinion it's a better way to apologize by writing a note or e-mail in these kind of situation, because you can spend 5 hours editing your text to make sure it's properly said and it really says what you want to say, and the person can take the time to read it and also get the time to think about how he/she wants to react. And it's way less awkward than in person. I think if I was the guy and would receive a note saying basically what you wrote here, I would totally forgive you.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks for your honesty..I think about what i would say and that but i keep thinking it's gonna sound stupid because i'm not a great speaker and i always sound stupid or childish when i'm nervous!! I just don't know anymore..!! I'm not happy..and i'm so lonely! I'm not a bad person i was just so nervous and anxious. I'm doing something about it but i need some advice..

Well, obviously you want to mend the connection with this guy. What you will say will not sound stupid at all, even if you aren't a great speaker. You're getting an apology out there and that's great. If you really feel you can't talk, Marie's advice of a letter is the next best thing.

Your apology shouldn't sound like you've been practicing it in front of a mirror for an hour. Just convey your feelings to him, no matter how jumbled up it gets or how many times you pause, and he should understand.

It might sound trivial, but this is important. As long as your apology doesn't sound scripted in its delivery, he will recognise it's coming from the heart.