please help me..

[agoraphobickatie]

forgive me if this gets lengthy.. hopefully you're bored enough to read it, 'cause i could really use some hope/encouragement. =/

if you don't know me around here, basically, i have intense anxiety, and a strange super fear of throwing up and so that makes me agoraphobic and keeps me from leaving the house..

right now, i have so much crap going on in my life that it's insane. i have a great boyfriend, who understands my issues and has all intentions of helping me get through all this so i can be better and we can be completely happy. i live with my dad, who is getting married june 4th and will be moving out of our house into his new wife's house at that time. which means i have to find somewhere to go. i don't have a job because i can barely even leave my house to go seconds (yes, seconds) away to the store. i had to sell my car because i couldn't afford the payments. my mom/mom's family lives in tennessee, and my dad's family lives here in georgia. i don't feel comfortable at all going to live with any of my dad's family because we just aren't close, and it's hard enough for me to live comfortably in my own home (with all my panic attacks and stuff).. so i could move to tennessee and live with my mom and her family. i'm very close with my mom, my sister and my aunts, and this would be ideal.. but just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach, because how the hell am i going to move four hours away and ride in a car that long when i can't ride in a car for 30 seconds to the dr.'s office...

okay, so i have all of that on my mind at all times. i don't think i've ever been this depressed. i feel defeated, trapped, miserable and just.. fukked! by my own mind! ha.. lately, it's been extremely difficult for me to combat my negative thoughts. they race through my head and no matter how many times i "breathe" and tell myself it's all in my head, it's like they just take over.. i went to a new doctor's office a few weeks ago to start new therapy, see a psychiatrist and hopefully try something different to beat all of this.. the office is less than a mile from my home, i panicked and freaked out. of course i couldn't go alone, i'm almost 23 and my dad had to drive me and sit there with me the whole time. my heart was racing and i just felt so anxious and uncomfortable. when i'm away from home, all i want is to be at home in my room. i never ended up getting sick (which is always my ultimate fear, which also never happens.. wtf is wrong with me there?! lol) but i was panicky the whole time, and even after i got home, i was still in panic mode for a while... so now i have to go back on monday for a psychiatric evaluation.. now, i've never seen any psychiatrist or psychologist or been "evaluated", so i'm excited to have a doctor tell me wtf is going on with me and maybe learn something new (and maybe get my antidepressants upped and some xanax or something, which i've never tried because i've always been scared.. now i'm just desperate) ..but i'm freakin' scared to DEATH. i'm panicking right now just thinking about it.. i'm scared i'll get there and panic the whole time again, i'm scared i'll feel sick and feel like i have to go to the bathroom or throw up, and i just freak out about getting sick because it's miserable for me...

this is really long, i'm sorry =/ but i haven't gotten any of this out "on paper" so i'm spilling, lol... i even get anxious when my boyfriend comes over now. he lives 30 minutes away and i hate making him come all this way to sit on the couch with me and watch tv. i get scared he'll be here and i'll feel panicky or like i'm going to be sick (even though i know i could throw up in his lap and he'd love me just as much, lol)..

i've just been completely all over the place lately. i feel like i have this time limit (until i have to move out of my house) to get well enough to be able to go somewhere else, it puts ridiculous pressure on me and i'm just completely lost.. i can combat my fears with more rational thoughts, but i still have the fear and panic.. it's relentless. i feel completely helpless and hopeless, and i have never felt this way before. i used to always be so positive.. i've been through this anxiety before, i beat it and got a job again and lived my life again, but since the beginning of this year, it's all come back, and i feel like it's way worse... i know this has been long, and people hate reading novels on here, but please if you have anything you could offer, i really need the help from you all right now.. =/

thanks

 

[DeepBlueSea]

^ I agree with Tino

Changes always make me super anxious too

Can you live with your Dad and his new wife? I don't know how serious you and your boyfriend are but could he offer you a place to stay possibly?

 

[kihira]

Hi Katie, its good that you are going to see a psychiatrist, they will offer you two key things that will make it all bearable. 1. the right medication for you to take the edge off your anxiety and still leave you functional (hassle them if it isn't working so that they try different things) 2. therapy, so that you can understand what's happening and why, and start to recover from it.

In the mean time believe that you will reach a mental place where you reletively anxiety free and coping well, and that how you are feeling now wont last forever.

 

[Dark_Angel]

Hey Kat , from what i read i find inside ur post and inside ur toughts and feelings ur expressed the will and the wish to defeat / improve to ur agoraphobia and anxiety , u said that in past u was able to did many improvements but lately they just got back , in ur words there is still this hope and intentions to get better so u "just" need to find the strenght and to believe in ur self and convince ur self that u can really make it as u did some improvements in past , i know is not any easy but ur mum that u said that u feel good with and specially ur bf that from what i understood is a good guy and that u love him very much have to make u find again the strenght to improve =) im with u too , never stop fight , u can make it , do bit by bit and u will see that bit by bit can get very far =)

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

So moving in at your Dad's new wife's house isn't an option? When you finally decide where you're gonna live you should make you room look the same, like put things in the same spot so it will be eaiser to get used to!

 

[Nanita]

Hi Katie. Sorry that you are having a difficult time.

I have only a few times had so much anxiety that I couldn´t leave the house. Mostly it´s if I am expected to go somewhere specific, or see people.

I think it´s good that you are gonna see a therapist/psychiatrist, I hope she/he will do more than talk about only medicine

How about hypnotherapy sometime in the future? It can be magically helpful, though it isn´t at all magic but down to earth actually.

I hope the living situation will work out greatly.

 

[Lea]

I have read that . Your problem is really strange, but I have no experience with agoraphobia so I´m afraid I don´t have an idea about solution. The only thing that comes to my mind is that if I were you I'd try hypnosis and past life regression, it can be someting from past life or some supressed trauma from childhood? Or.. many other things. I actually have zero idea just as I have about the origin and causes of my own problem.

 

[Nanita]

As Lea wrote above this, hypnosis or past life regression can be really effective (sorry if I´m repeating myself here...) I have only tried hypnosis though. Past life regression just seems so interesting, and I will surely try that sometime.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

thank you all so much for your replies!! living with my dad and his new wife isn't an option because she has younger kids and i'm 23, and i'm not sure if there's room =/

i would like to try hypnosis, but i have never heard of anything like that being done around here, so i'm not sure where to go =/ and i dunno much about past life regression, but i don't really believe in reincarnation or anything so that might be null and void for me, lol..

i've just been hopeless and depressed so seeing your suggestions and kind words helps, thank you ::

 

[Lea]

Past life regression? You cannot be serious.

I can. (post 2 short)

 

[Nanita]

Past life regression? You cannot be serious.

Same old conventional box? You cannot be serious.