KoolGenius
Member
Ok, First of I have always had sometype of OCD when I was a kid. It would usually just be minor and go along the lines of me doing something repeatedly. But as of recent I have been having these Intrusive thoughts. It first began when I started to have intrusive thoughts towards younger females which I found extremely disturbing because I wasn't ever attracted to them and would get to the point that just being around them would drive me insane because the thoughts would not quit killing me. I was still attracted to women and I could still get an erection but it wasn't the type of erection I was used to having before that even happened. Then that subsided for a bit.. Until I saw full metal alchemist and I started having thoughts about harming my mother which I very much love. That I would avoid her and avoid being next to harmful things but that just brought me back to the POCD. But one day I smoked some marijuana that I got from a friend mostly because I wanted to impress a girl I wanted to be with (I was dumb). But as soon as I smoked the first puff my mind began to tell me I was a homosexual. Everyday my mind would constantly tell me I was a homosexual even though I knew I was not. I have never been attracted to men nor have I ever want to have sex with them ever in my life. I always just wanted to be with women different types of women. As I kid I was so infatuated with them that I would at least masturbate 5 to 10 times a day eve just by looking at the ad for the genie bra. But it been almost a year since I had these homosexual thoughts But I was still very able to have an attraction to women. But Through out this past week. My mind has been telling I have always been a homo which I have not ever and now My penis does get semi aroused I say semi because I stop myself and I am constantly thinking about homo **** and my mind keeps saying accept it. I have never masturbated to gay porn or even want to watch it in my life. I also have never been with men. I have always loved being with women. My first sexual encounter with a women was amazing. I got to eat her out she sucked me off. I love eating a female out it just feels right. But as of the past year or almost a year my mind has not let me live I was able to cope with this because I knew deep down that I was going to get over this. The last couple of months I have been catching myself checking out dudes not because I like them but because I want to test myself but as of now every time I am with a dude hanging out I can't stop getting some what wood. (my **** doesn't get hard it just has some sort of tingling homo sensation) and I immediately start thinking gay ****. I was fine up until a few days ago when my mind pretty much said **** you your gay now. I haven't been able to get aroused when I see a female I even try to avoid them for some god damn reason and I catch myself checking out dudes to prove myself that I am not gay but as I do I realize that I get semi wood and my mind thinks they are attractive. When I have never in my life been attracted to another mail. This week has been so hard on me that I have lost ten pounds haven't been able to eat or get these thoughts out of my head. I have never been attracted to another male until now or at least I think I am since I have never jacked it to a male or tried to watch homo porn but my mind now is telling me to do it and its trying to convince me that I have always been like this which I haven't. Its even harder for me to fully accept this because I have not been able to get a full erection towards women since my first set of intrusive thoughts came in.
Side note every once In a while during this week I was able to forget about it like yesterday when I went to the gym the site of a man was not arousing me at all and I was getting my confidence up again towards women. But I went home and my mother and sister found some writing that I wrote in my journal about how these thoughts have been consuming me and they immediately thought I was a homo. Now mind is telling me to accept it which I can't.
And also today for a quick minute the site of a penis was not giving me any thought when I was watching regular porn but out of nowhere mind tells me that no you are gay and I lose all train of thought and focus on that.
I just want to know what the hell is going on with me and why me ? I never wanted to be a homo nor have I ever masturbated to gay porn or been aroused to a men in my 19 years of life. Now every time I see a show on tv with a male I have to avoid it because I get that penis tingle and my mind starts thinking I'm attracted to them which I have never been. I just want to be the normal confident me.
Side note, I wasn't able to get it up to a woman in the past year and a half I thought I had a limp **** but My **** would easily get up to the sight of a younger female. But now, I can't get it up towards anything even if I try my hardest I feel as if I want to by something in my mind does not want me to. I have gotten have chubs towards males only in the past week but I never want to have sex with them Its just mind that forces me to look at them at find something remotely arousing to get a chub from. When I mean half chub I mean that my penis isn't erect or fully erect its just feels like it is going to get erect.
Am I a homo now? I can not deal with life any longer. I have not been able to go to school because every sight of a male my mind forces me to look at them get a penis tingle from them.
I just don't want live like this.
Please if anyone could kindly help me I know this is a bit long but typing this has let my thoughts subside a bit.
I'm 19 and in my third and final year of community college and I just want to be able to get on with my life without being sexually attracted to men...Since I never was to begin with.
Side note every once In a while during this week I was able to forget about it like yesterday when I went to the gym the site of a man was not arousing me at all and I was getting my confidence up again towards women. But I went home and my mother and sister found some writing that I wrote in my journal about how these thoughts have been consuming me and they immediately thought I was a homo. Now mind is telling me to accept it which I can't.
And also today for a quick minute the site of a penis was not giving me any thought when I was watching regular porn but out of nowhere mind tells me that no you are gay and I lose all train of thought and focus on that.
I just want to know what the hell is going on with me and why me ? I never wanted to be a homo nor have I ever masturbated to gay porn or been aroused to a men in my 19 years of life. Now every time I see a show on tv with a male I have to avoid it because I get that penis tingle and my mind starts thinking I'm attracted to them which I have never been. I just want to be the normal confident me.
Side note, I wasn't able to get it up to a woman in the past year and a half I thought I had a limp **** but My **** would easily get up to the sight of a younger female. But now, I can't get it up towards anything even if I try my hardest I feel as if I want to by something in my mind does not want me to. I have gotten have chubs towards males only in the past week but I never want to have sex with them Its just mind that forces me to look at them at find something remotely arousing to get a chub from. When I mean half chub I mean that my penis isn't erect or fully erect its just feels like it is going to get erect.
Am I a homo now? I can not deal with life any longer. I have not been able to go to school because every sight of a male my mind forces me to look at them get a penis tingle from them.
I just don't want live like this.
Please if anyone could kindly help me I know this is a bit long but typing this has let my thoughts subside a bit.
I'm 19 and in my third and final year of community college and I just want to be able to get on with my life without being sexually attracted to men...Since I never was to begin with.
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